What is needed before speaking to a child
There was an article that said, 'Rather than saying, "If you do this, I will give you that," saying, "If you don't do this, such and such will happen" leads to a child's independence.'
I think this is true.
Explaining the meaning of actions to a child and confirming how the world works together—the idea that this forms the foundation for long-term independence is consistent with findings in developmental science.
However, based on my experience interacting with children in childcare settings, there is one thing I would like to add.
No matter how correct the words are, they will not function if there is no 'relationship where they can be received.'
Words are received based on the relationship
'If you don't brush your teeth, cavity bacteria will increase and your teeth will hurt.'
Why do these words reach a child's heart?
Is it because the content is correct? That is not all.
It is because the child trusts the adult who is saying those words.
The words of an adult one trusts resonate. One can think, 'If this person says so, it might be true.'
Conversely, even if the same words are said by someone with whom there is a weak relationship of trust, it may just end with the child thinking, 'They are saying something.'
Before thinking about the 'quality' of what you say, consider whether the 'foundation' for those words to be received exists. I believe this is actually the most important thing.
Where does a relationship of trust come from?
So, how does a relationship of trust with a child grow?
It is nothing special.
They came when I was in trouble. They accepted me when I was anxious. They helped me when I couldn't do something well. They stayed by my side when I was crying.
These are the accumulation of small experiences.
By accumulating experiences where the child thinks, 'This person responds when I am in trouble,' a basic sense of trust in the other person grows within the child.
This is exactly the 'experience of having one's dependency needs met' that I have written about in the previous series.
What grows by having their needs for affection met is not "selfishness." It is the sense that "this person is reliable".
And only when that sense becomes the foundation will an adult's words reach them.
There is another depth to trust
The trust that "they will respond when I am in trouble" is trust in actions. It is the peace of mind that you will be helped when something happens.
However, there is another depth to trust.
The trust that "even if I fail, this person will accept me".
This is not trust in actions, but trust in existence. It is the sense that you are accepted just for being here, not because you achieved something or did something.
These two may seem similar, but their meaning to a child is different.
"They will help me when I am in trouble" is peace of mind regarding the results of actions. "They will accept me even if I fail" is peace of mind regarding one's very existence.
And when "trust in existence" grows, not only does it become easier for your words to reach them, but something even greater happens.
By accumulating experiences of "even if I fail, I will be accepted," the child gradually cultivates trust in themselves that "I am okay even if I fail." Furthermore, this expands and leads to trust in the world that "this world is a place that welcomes me."
Trust in people becomes trust in oneself, which becomes trust in the world.
This is what developmental psychologist Erikson called "basic trust"—the most fundamental sense that he placed at the foundation of all human development.
This sense cannot be taught. It is not something that can be explained in words. It is simply something that grows little by little through the accumulation of small daily experiences.
What is happening when your words don't reach them
"They don't listen no matter how many times I say it," "They don't understand at all even when I explain," "They don't move no matter how much I tell them the reason."
I think many parents are troubled by these situations.
In these cases, many people think, "Maybe my way of speaking is bad." They look for ways to communicate more effectively.
But there is one more thing I want you to consider.
Perhaps something is missing "before" you speak to them.
When your words don't reach a child, it is often not a problem of the words themselves, but a problem of the relationship.
If a foundational relationship of trust has not been sufficiently nurtured, no matter how carefully you choose your words, they will be difficult to get across.
Conversely, if a relationship of trust has been firmly established, children will accept your words even if they are somewhat imperfect.
There is an order
Here, too, there is the “order of development” that I have written about repeatedly in this series.
Accumulating experiences of having your needs for affection met
↓
Developing a basic sense of trust in adults
↓
Becoming able to receive the words of those adults
↓
Understanding the reason behind why things are done
↓
Developing the ability to judge and act on one's own
Refining how you speak to a child is a matter for the “third stage” and beyond in this sequence.
If you try hard at the third stage while the first and second stages have not yet been nurtured, it rarely goes well.
“Being in such a hurry for results that you skip the process”—what I wrote in the introduction to this series is happening here as well.
What comes before “making them listen”
In parenting and childcare, “how can I get my child to listen to me” is a pressing question.
But what we think about every day is what comes before that.
Does this child trust this adult? Is there an adult there whom they can rely on with peace of mind when they are in trouble? Do they feel that even if they fail, they will be accepted?
Only with that foundation in place does speaking to a child become effective.
The desire of Sora no Machi Nursery School to “be the best friends of the children” is not about wanting to make children listen to adults. It is a wish to be the kind of presence that they can rely on when in trouble and that will accept them even if they fail.
Within that relationship, words will begin to reach them. Within that relationship, children will gradually cultivate the feeling that “it is okay for me to be here.” That feeling becomes the foundation, and only then does the ability to act on their own develop.
Refining how you speak to a child is a matter for after that.
Before that, I would like you to first give that child a big hug.
Rather than how to convey something, it is about how to accept them. The feeling that “it is okay for you to be here” reaches them through the body before it reaches them through words.