The day my body stopped in my 50s.
Honestly,
I still don't really know how to process this event.
I still don't really know.
I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation and hospitalized.
If you ask me if it was a life-threatening condition,
I don't think it was a matter of 'something happening right away'.
But,
if you ask if I was fine, that wasn't the case either.
I was anxious.
The reason is clear.
I didn't know if I would be able to work normally from here on out.
When I was hospitalized,
all I had on hand was cash.
I didn't have a mobile phone.
It might be rare these days,
but that situation took a greater toll on me than I had expected.
I couldn't contact anyone.
I couldn't look up things I wanted to know.
Only time seemed to pass by strangely slowly.
'Oh, I'm completely stopped right now.'
I was thinking about things like that, vaguely.
As a common story,
there are phrases like
'I was hospitalized and my outlook on life changed' or 'I decided to rethink how I work'.
But, to be honest,
I wasn't that positive at the time.
I couldn't get work off my mind.
Can I rebuild at this age?
In the first place, was what I've been doing correct?
I was just repeatedly thinking about things
that had no answers.
It's not that I wasn't aware that I was pushing myself too hard.
Not being able to shake off fatigue,
or my concentration dropping,
those small signs had been there for a while.
But,
'I can still do it,'
'I can't stop here.'
I think that's how
I had been telling myself.
Whether this hospitalization
was some kind of 'turning point' or not,
honestly, I still can't judge.
The only thing I can say is
the fact that my body applied the brakes first.
Before my feelings could catch up,
my body stopped.
How do I accept that?
What will I do from now on?
I haven't sorted things out yet.
This text is not meant to provide answers.
When my body stopped in my 50s, I simply laid out what was in my head at that time.
If there is anyone else who is feeling overwhelmed by their body, work, or future,
I hope you can just read this and think, 'Oh, so there's someone else in this state, too.'
As for me right now, I am still in the middle of thinking things through.
#50s
#AtrialFibrillation
#HospitalizationExperience
#ThinkingAboutWorkStyles
#TurningPointInLife
#HealthManagement
#WhatImThinkingAboutNow