[Diagram 1917-1919] Pointing out behavior can feel like 'your thinking is also being rejected'

[Pyramid Model] At the foundation of a person's behavior lies the thinking and personality that form its basis.

Behavior is visible to those around you, but the thinking and personality at its foundation are not directly visible to others.

[Pyramid Model] When the communicator points out a problem regarding the 'behavior' part, the receiver tends to feel that not only the behavior but also the thinking at its foundation has been rejected as a set.

Pointing out behavior easily leads to a 'feeling that one's thinking is also being rejected,' so it is important for the receiver to separate the behavior from the thinking when processing the feedback.

[Pyramid Model] Also, the communicator often tends to assume and reject not just the behavior, but also the thinking at its foundation, jumping to conclusions like 'they must have had such a naive way of thinking'.

While that may sometimes be correct, the thinking is ultimately just a guess, and it is surprisingly common for the communicator to be mistaken. When pointing out issues with the thinking part as well, it is important to first confirm the thinking (intent) of the person receiving the feedback and align on it before providing the critique.

This is a diagram of what I felt when I made a mistake and received feedback on the problem areas.

Since no one is perfect, we often experience both sides—being the one receiving feedback on problems and being the one giving it—in our daily lives.

When pointing out problems, the principle is to 'point out the issues with the behavior and convey the request for how you would like them to act'.

However, even when it is conveyed appropriately in that way, I think the person being critiqued still tends to perceive it as 'not just the behavior, but the thinking as well, being rejected as a set'.

In my experience, if the results were lackluster after taking action based on my own careful consideration, it is easier to feel that 'the thinking was also rejected as a set' because of the effort I put in.

Since emotions are involved here, if the content of the feedback itself is something you can accept, you just have to switch your mindset to 'it doesn't mean my thinking was rejected as well' (recalling this pyramid diagram might also be effective).

Conversely, when I am in the position of giving feedback, I sometimes find myself guessing the thinking behind the behavior and rejecting that as well.

From the perspective of preventing recurrence, there may be cases where it is necessary to have the other person change not only their behavior but also the thinking behind it.

However, even in that case, I think it is easier to get them to accept it if you don't jump to conclusions immediately, but instead include a confirmation step like 'I assume this was the result of thinking about it this way, but is that correct?', and then convey the desired line of thinking after that.

'Pointing out actions can feel like your thinking is also being rejected'—please keep this in mind, whether you are the one being corrected or the one doing the correcting.

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