Remembering the beauty of 'holding hands' ♥ Happy Wedding Anniversary to ME ♥

Today is our 38th wedding anniversary.
That is, if my husband were still alive.

I never dreamed on this day last year that it would all end after 37 and a half years 😅. They say life is 'fleeting,' and I am feeling that from the bottom of my heart.

Since it is our anniversary, I will look back a little at 38 years ago.

It was so long ago that my memory is hazy, but I do remember some old guy at the wedding (probably an acquaintance of my father's) giving a cliché speech comparing life to a voyage.

He said things like, 'Obey your husband silently, follow him quietly from behind, overlook his occasional infidelity, and keep being a good wife and wise mother in mind...'—a speech that would make people today say, 'Give me a break!' If I just say, 'That was the Showa era,' that's the end of it, but the old me, raised by Showa-era parents, just nodded along obediently.

In fact, the home I grew up in was the embodiment of a 'good wife and wise mother' household. My father was a company executive and my mother was a full-time housewife. My father would declare, 'Smart women are insufferable' and 'A woman's grades are just fine being average,' and my mother would almost never offer an opinion to my father, let alone defy him. It was a household that seemed to say that devotedly serving him, no matter what, was the way a wife should be.

My mother would seriously preach to her daughters, 'Since a woman is fed by a man, she must put her master first.' As a result, I grew up to be the 'average, inconspicuous, obedient, and kind girl' my parents wanted. It makes sense that I was loved by a husband who liked the phrase 'the virtue of a good wife.'

I married at 22, had a daughter at 23, and then had three sons in quick succession, becoming a mother of four and racing through the rest of my life.

Perhaps the reason we were able to walk through life together—building a house in the countryside right after marriage, moving to a southern island, and then moving to America—was because I believed without a doubt that it was right to run alongside my husband, even if it was wild, without thinking too deeply about it. (...That's what I think now.)

If I had been a career-driven woman, I never could have thrown that career away to do those things.

I don't intend to deny the concept of a 'good wife and wise mother' itself, as it is certainly better to be a good wife than a bad one, and a wise mother than a foolish one, but demanding it only of women is a problem. I think this phrase also contains a patriarchal way of thinking, as can be seen from my father's past remarks.

The nuance of 'good wife and wise mother' implies that it is good to serve one's husband devotedly no matter what, and even that a wise mother should obey her children in old age. Since I have never heard a phrase like 'good husband and wise father' with the same nuance... (Come on, Japan, with your low gender gap index!)

Looking back at that background, I feel that the reason I was able to spend 37 and a half years of married life with a Showa-spirited husband was because I myself never questioned putting my husband before me, and my family before me, always putting myself last, and I believed that was what happiness was.

That said, due to the changing times, living in the U.S., and traveling the world together as a couple, I gained new perspectives, and I feel that our relationship had evolved dramatically over the last 10 years or so.

Seeing different forms of couples was very stimulating.

In the autumn of 2015, we visited a town called Alcalá de Henares near Madrid, Spain. It is a wonderful university town where the cityscape is registered as a World Heritage site. After strolling through the town, we sat on the terrace of a bar on the sidewalk, enjoying Spanish beer in one hand and people-watching the couples walking through the town. We watched not only young people but also elderly couples walking arm-in-arm, holding hands, and dating affectionately.

Young people aside, it is rare to see elderly couples being affectionate in public in Japan.

'Actually, this is how it should be, isn't it? Age doesn't matter. It's a good thing to be able to express that you love each other honestly. If we had a society where this was possible, maybe there would be fewer 'mask' marriages,' we said, while watching people walk by holding hands for a long time with mugs in our hands.

As we had more experiences like that and watched people on the world stage, we started talking about adopting the things we thought were wonderful.

In the meantime, this 'Showa-era good wife' started saying what needed to be said and clearly stating yes and no. We started discussing things we didn't agree on and tried to find compromises.

Even so, there were things we couldn't understand because we were different people, but I think I learned the art of letting things go, thinking, 'A person's character, once formed, isn't easy to change,' or just accepting those things as 'differences.'

Anyway, it is deeply frustrating that he passed away just as we, a 'Showa couple' in the bad sense, had started making pleasant efforts to aim for a better relationship over the last few years.

No matter how much I regret it, I cannot change the end of those 37 and a half years. In that case, I will accept that the fact that we stayed together until the end has become immutable.

For me, my husband and my family are irreplaceable. Since I can think that meeting my husband and building a family in the time I lived was the greatest happiness of all,

Today, I thank myself for marrying my husband 38 years ago ♥

Thank you also to my husband from that day, who cried tears of joy in front of the gold folding screen while I was completely calm 💗

We can no longer celebrate our wedding anniversary together, but from now on, I will change 'good wife and wise mother' to'good woman and wise mother'.

And I will live with the goal of becoming the 'master of a home where everyone can smile' with my daughter, son, daughter-in-law, and son-in-law.

Without forgetting a heart of gratitude 💖