What you can do for a child who throws a tantrum when they lose a game is to become an immature adult

"That's not fair!! Why can't I win!?"

Throwing the controller on the floor,
while throwing a tantrum on the sofa,
the first-grade boy
said that with tears in his eyes.

I look after a friend's child
a few days a month.
I pick him up from after-school care in place of his parents,
and heat up the dinner
that his parents prepared for him to eat.

After that, I wait for my friend to come home
while playing with him.
At first, we played with toys or
cards,
but recently we've been hooked on a game
called Mario Party
on the Nintendo Switch.

Although there is a game console in that house,
the child says he has almost never played it.
My friend doesn't really play
games to begin with,
and her partner, that is,
the child's father, likes games, but
he told the child, "I don't play games with you because you get angry right away."

To an adult who came along
and was okay with playing games,
he would say every time,
"Let's play games after we eat!"
with his eyes sparkling.

At first,
I would intentionally lose
so that he could win the game.

I thought that was the mature thing to do.

However, after a while,
when he won,
he started saying mean things like,
"You're so weak lol,"
"Yes! I win!"
and "You suck!"

What kind of attitude is that when I'm being considerate!

"Don't say things like that.
It hurts my feelings and it's annoying."
"But it's the truth."

Huh? It was my fault for being considerate.
In the next game, I'll be immature and crush him completely.

Then,
"That's not fair!! Why can't I win!?"
he cried loudly.

"You're so weak lol."
When I threw his own words
right back at him,
his face turned bright red and he got even angrier.

"You're an adult, so why
are you saying things like that!!!"
"Then is it okay if a child says it?
I had the same thing said to me by you, didn't I?"
"You're annoying!"
"I told you not to say that because it's annoying to me too,
and you said it was the truth."
"~~~~!!!!"
The boy rampages with wordless anger.
I retort immaturely.

The games for that day ended there.

When we met next time,
while reflecting that I had acted immaturely last time,
he said, "Let's play games today too,"
so I said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, okay?" and played with all my might.

And he throws a tantrum every time he loses.

It's such a hassle.
It has nothing to do with early childhood education, childcare, or being an adult.
Dealing with a child who throws a tantrum
drains my energy.

It's tiring to hear the crying,
and even if I try to talk to him, it just comes back doubled,
but if I say, "I'll step away until you calm down,"
he chases after me and says, "Don't ignore me."

I don't feel like coddling him either.
After all, he isn't a two or three-year-old in the 'terrible twos'.
I want him to sort out his feelings and recover on his own.
But he doesn't know how to recover by himself.
That's why he can't talk about it even though I want to.

In that case, I can understand why his dad
would say from the start
that they won't play games.
But if we run away here,
he will stay like this forever.

What should I do...?

The next time we met,
he had completely forgotten about throwing a tantrum,
and innocently said,
'Let's play a game.'

I honestly said, 'No.'

'Why!?'
He hadn't expected to be turned down,
and his eyes went wide with surprise.

'Because it's not fun.
You get angry when you lose, right?
And you take it out on me or on things,
and even when you win, you say mean things,
so lately when I play games,
I end up feeling bad.
That's why I don't want to.'
'I promise I won't get angry!'
'Oh, really?'
'Really!'

I believed his words and started the game.
As expected, he lost the first round and got angry.
'Wait, didn't you promise not to get angry?'
'I can't help it!! I just get angry!!'

See?

I almost said that, but then I thought,
I told him 'don't get angry,' but
I haven't talked to him about
what he should do instead of getting angry.
That's whyhe doesn't know what to convert this feeling of losing into.
He has nowhere for his emotions to go.

In the first place, telling him 'don't get angry' is strange.
Even adults sometimes can't stop emotions that naturally well up inside them.
I've been talking about Finnish emotional education
in workshops constantly,
yet I'm not practicing it myself!

'Wait a minute, I'm sorry!
It's okay to be angry.
You're right.
It's frustrating when you lose, isn't it?
I feel frustrated when I lose too...
But if both you and I are always angry,
it's not fun, is it?
So I'll think about it by next time.
A way to play games and have fun.'

That conversation ended the day.

When I worked at a nursery school,
there were children who were obsessed with being number one or winning and losing,
and would throw tantrums.
But I had never really thought about
how to deal with that.

However, I remembered the
friendship skills I learned a while ago
in a Finnish early childhood education course.

It was written there that children who are obsessed with winning
need to learn fair play skills,
and I thought that was exactly the skill they needed.

There were four points that left a particular impression on me.

・In the first place, games are meant to be enjoyed, and winning or losing a game is not everything about a person.
・If adults coddle children, they will misjudge their own abilities and feel that winning is a given. The role of an adult is not to let them win on purpose, but to teach them what kind of attitude to have when they lose.
・Boasting about winning or belittling those who lost is against fair play. If you win, try sharing the good points of the game with each other, such as 'That was a good game' or 'Thanks to you, I had fun playing.'
・It is not fair to blame the other person or make excuses when you lose. Try to put your frustrated feelings into words, such as 'I lost! That's frustrating! I'll win next time!' and have the desire to try again.

These are skills that I myself am lacking,
and aren't they skills that are necessary
not just for children,
but also in the adult world of competition?

It's an eye-opener.

Letting him win for the sake of the child
was actually not for the child's sake.
First, I will play the game with all my might, and when I win or lose,
I will become a role model.

I will become an immature adult without hesitation

Next time we met, I talked to him while he was calm before starting a game.

“It’s fine to play games, but why do you want to play?”
“Because it’s fun.”
“But lately, you’ve just been getting angry and don’t look like you’re having fun, so do you still want to play?”
“It’s not fun when I lose, but I play because it’s fun when I win.”
“But you can’t always win at games, right? Sometimes you lose. I’m not going to go easy on you anymore, so you might end up losing a lot. Do you still want to play?”
“Hmm... I think I’ll get angry if I lose.”
“Then, when you feel like you’re going to get angry after losing, if you throw the controller, it might break and you won’t be able to play games anymore, you know? What will you do?”
“

I won’t throw it

”
“But what if you still end up wanting to throw it? Should we prepare something else that’s okay to throw?”
“Oh! Then I’ll use the soft ball I used when I was a baby.”
“That’s a great idea! Also, I get hurt when you say I cheated when I didn’t, or when you say mean things, so I’d like you to stop that, but what will you do?”
“

I won’t say it. I’ll hold it in”“Then, I’ll leave some tea out, so why don’t you try swallowing those words along with the tea?”“I’ll do that! Eating a snack might make me feel better!”
“Then, I’ll leave some chocolate a little way off, so if you can’t hold it in with the ball and tea, let’s go there, eat the chocolate, and take a break.”
“Yeah! That sounds good!”
“Also, one important thing. When you lose, try saying ‘I’m so frustrated!!’ out loud first. That might help you feel refreshed.”

What I realized from our conversation so far is that whenever a problem occurred, he only had one option: to “hold it in.”
“If you want to throw the controller,” “I won’t throw it.”
“If you want to say something mean,” “I’ll hold it in.”
It was all or nothing—either he could hold it in or he couldn’t.
There are plenty of other ways.
It is also important for adults to show other paths as a role model.

And so, when I play games with him, I don’t lose on purpose.
When I win, I honestly rejoice by saying “Yay!”
or I give him subtle hints on how to win next time, like “If you had jumped there, I might have lost. I barely won!”
And when I lose, I intentionally roll around on the floor, shouting “I’m so frustrated!!! One more time!” and “I won’t lose next time!”
I play the part of an immature adult with all my might.
Seeing that, he also smiles and plays the game, saying “I won’t lose next time either!”

He still gets angry sometimes, though it doesn’t reach the level of a tantrum.
But now, he can go drink tea by himself, or when he’s prone to irritation due to how tired he is that day, he can understand that he’s becoming easily angered and ask for help, saying “This is no good! I’m going to get angry today! What should I do?”

So I don’t get irritated either.
I think about how we can solve it together.
However, it took a year to reach this point.

There is no magic that changes a child in an instant.
It takes a lot of practice for both adults and children to try and fail together, and to maintain a comfortable relationship without holding things in.

At first, it’s a hassle.
Just when I think it went well, he throws another tantrum, and I sometimes get irritated along with him.
There were times I thought maybe it was impossible for him and me.
But now, the time I spend playing games with him is fun.

Games are meant to be enjoyed.

yakko

At the Finland Workshop omena, we hold irregular workshops on Finnish early childhood education and well-being.
↓ Click here for details ↓

2022.1.22
I am surprised that so many people have read this unexpectedly.
To those who purchased it via support, thank you very much.
I didn’t think I would receive money for my articles, so I am happy.
It will take some time, but I will send messages in order.
Thank you to those who wrote comments. I no longer have the capacity to reply to each person individually, so I will send a “like” instead.