Being told 'It's okay because you can hear with one ear'

I became hearing impaired 28 years ago.

I developed sudden sensorineural hearing loss and became deaf in one ear.

It is not visible from the outside.

However, inside my ear, there is a sound like static on a television playing all day long.

The side that cannot hear is not quiet; it is a state where noise continues without interruption.

Because of this, my hearing ear is constantly picking up surrounding sounds to compensate for the side that cannot hear.

I have become very sensitive to sound.

Even now, when I tell people I meet for the first time that I have single-sided deafness,

I am sometimes told,

'It's okay because you can hear with one ear.'

Of course, there is no malice in those words.

I myself have tried to think that way too.

But real life is not that simple.

Dining out.

Meetings.

Conversations with multiple people.

Sometimes I cannot tell who is speaking.

I sometimes have to guess the words I couldn't hear from the context of the conversation.

Because I keep my nerves on edge so as not to miss anything, I am exhausted by the time I get home.

It feels more like my brain is tired rather than my body.

I used to be able to talk to people more naturally.

I was also able to enjoy conversations.

When that became difficult, I felt a great sense of loss.

It is not just my hearing that I lost due to my disability.

The way I interact with others has also changed.

I have started going out mostly by myself.

I have started choosing quiet places.

People around me sometimes think I am quiet or unsociable.

But that is not really the case.

I don't want to mishear things.

I don't want to be unable to keep up with conversations.

I don't want to be a burden.

Those feelings come first.

When I go out, I wear a sign indicating that I have a disability.

There are people who see that and are considerate toward me.

I am grateful for that.

However, sometimes people speak to me in a loud voice.

Actually, it would be more helpful if they spoke to me from my hearing side rather than just speaking loudly.

But I also feel guilty about making that request.

I am grateful for the consideration shown to me, so I hesitate to ask for anything more.

Through this experience, I have come to think about it.

For a long time,

"It can't be helped since I can hear in one ear"

is what I have been telling myself.

But in truth,

I was sad that I could not hold conversations as I used to.

It was also lonely that I started avoiding places where people gather.

And above all, it was painful that my suffering was not understood.

Perhaps grief is not something that only occurs when you lose a loved one.

Due to illness or disability, you become unable to do things you once took for granted.

The way you live changes.

The way you interact with others changes.

I have come to think that this suffering,

too, might be the sorrow of loss.