A Social Structure That Validates No One: A Record of a Life Where You Can Give Yourself a Bouquet

*This article is Chapter 8 of the Structure Hub
[Definitive Edition] The Reason You Can't Be Happy Even When You Try Your Best: The Social Structure Where You 'Can't Feel' Success
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I have probably
always been a person who is 'bad at navigating things'.

In company meetings,
when I point out a problem that is being ignored in the flow of the discussion
but is clearly not adding up,

even though no one argues back,
the atmosphere just suddenly drains away.

The pens that were moving a moment ago stop,
and gazes briefly escape to the desk or the wall.

And, it is always said like this.

'I understand that, but
under the current company rules, that's not how it is.'

I am not told that I am wrong.
But I am excluded from the subject of further consideration.

After the meeting ends,
I am almost never blamed directly to my face.

What comes back instead is

'You're strong,'
'You're amazing,'
'I can't believe you can say things like that.'

These kinds of words.

'I won't stand there,'
'You can do it because you're special.'

That is how,
I feel a line being quietly drawn.

The same thing happened at the municipal office.

Regarding the system for using the nursery school,
I explained the contradictions that have been left unaddressed for years,
not as an emotion, but as a structure.

At the counter, I am politely told this.

'Your opinion is very reasonable,'
'I can understand your feelings,'
'but this has already been decided, so...'

The situation ends calmly.
There is no shouting, nor is there any rejection.

But a few days later,
from an acquaintance in the government office,
I am warned behind the scenes.

"Please stop that kind of attitude."
"It makes things difficult for the staff on the ground."
"I wish you wouldn't stir up trouble."

It is not a formal protest.
It does not even remain on record.

Only
the pressure of being someone who disrupted the atmosphereis what
reaches me afterward.

Every time that happened, I felt depressed.

Why did I say that?
If I had stayed silent, it would have been much easier.
I should have just backed down.

Within myself,
I held reflection meetings over and over.

Even so,
when it came to situations where I would betray myself or my essence,
I simply could not stop.

This is not courage, nor is it a sense of justice.
My body refuses first..

"If I break here,
I will no longer be myself."

That feeling alone was strangely certain.

That is why I,

became someone who couldn't read the room,
became someone difficult to deal with,
and have been thought of as a scary person.

"You're strong."
"You're amazing."
"You really can say those things, can't you?"

They were in the form of compliments,
but they had a somewhat distant ring to them.

Including my trembling and my hesitation,
I was almost never validated.

But that,
was not a question of right or wrong.

I was simply standing in a place that couldn't be measured by the same yardstick.
That was all.

Even now, I don't know if that was the right answer.
But it is a fact that I didn't leave myself behind.

It doesn't result in achievements.
It doesn't result in efficiency.
It isn't even collected as a correct answer.

Yet, strangely enough,
in the deepest part of me,
I had never abandoned myself.

Even while denying myself.
Even while doubting myself.
Even while being afraid.

At the very end, I would always say this.

"That was scary, wasn't it?"
"You did well."
"You worked hard."

The words that no one else gave me,
I, and only I, gave to myself.

Clumsy,
unable to read the room,
unable to conform,
unable to just let things slide.

While laughing a little, saying,
"You're doing something stupid again."

Even so,
"I'm glad I could be with a version of myself like this."
I've come to be able to think that.

So now, if, for instance,

I were to get into a traffic accident,
and suddenly die.

There would surely be regrets.

I wanted to do so many more things.
I wanted to see my children grow up more.

That, without a doubt, is true.

But in heaven, I think I can say this to myself:

"Maimai,
you were always doing stupid things (laughs).
But, thank you for your hard work.
You did your best."

Saying that,
you can give yourself a bouquet for your resignation.

This is
not a story about how it was okay to be disliked.

It is a record of how,
even with the possibility of being disliked, you did not abandon yourself.

With just that, I think you can say that this life
was lived properly.

🔁 The overall structure is here
[Archived Version] The Reason You Can't Be Happy Even When You Try Your Best—A Social Structure Where You Can't "Feel" Even After Succeeding

💡 This note is for those whose senses move before they find answers.

If, after finishing reading, something remains more than just a "I see"—
that might be a sign that your inner self is beginning to move.

🌱 Reclaiming your own judgment axis from the feelings before they become words 🌱

I conduct one-on-one co-creation sessions where we observe the hesitation, discomfort, and wavering currently happening within you
not as "emotions," but as a "structure" together.

It is okay if you cannot speak well.
It is okay if things are not organized.
Please bring your current state just as it is.

▶What is the quiet structural change that happens in this place?

※It is okay to remain in a state of hesitation.