To the me who could only find my worth by working hard🪽✨
Good evening♪
Do you ever find that the things you are working desperately hard at start to become painful?
I do theater as a hobby, but as the performance date approaches, the atmosphere becomes tense, and when I get tied up in practice and can't make time for myself, I lose my peace of mind.
Recently, I've been able to look at myself from a bird's-eye view, and I noticed "myself, who is no longer able to work hard".
When I consulted Hana-san's mentor about this, they said these words to me.
"I think that up until now, Akari-chan, you have unconsciously chosen the path of pushing yourself hard.
Now that you've become able to notice that, isn't that why you're feeling distressed?
Even though you truly had a desire to spend your time peacefully, working hard had become a habit, and you couldn't see your own feelings."
Those words struck me.
I think that until now, I have been unconsciously pushing myself to keep being the "me who works hard."
In the past, I continued doing theater, believing that if I participated in many practices and worked harder than anyone else, even when the teacher was strict, I would be recognized.
When I was young, I was rarely praised by my parents, but after I started theater, I began to be praised, and the reactions of those around me changed.
I was happy about that, and I began to have confidence in "myself doing theater".
There was a time when I took a break from the troupe to step away from theater, but I felt that "I have no value if I am not doing theater", so I chose the path of continuing.
When I stand on stage, I sometimes feel a sense of superiority, as if I am doing something special.
Every time I see the audience's reaction, I feel a sense of accomplishment and joy, as if all the effort I put in has been rewarded.
But now, I have started to think about whether I can make my relationship with theater a little easier.
I think that is because I am gradually starting to believe that I have value even if I have nothing.
Even so, I like being involved in theater itself, so
I have come to think that perhaps I can be involved in a way that supports it behind the scenes, even if I don't stand on stage as an actor.
And as I looked at myself, I also realized that what I truly wanted was
"
free time to spend peacefully as a couple".From now on, I want to continue my hobbies in a relaxed way while cherishing my own feelings.
Lastly✨🕊️
Up until now, I have tried to "prove my worth by working hard".
But I think that was also me continuing to run while leaving my true feelings behind.
The fact that I can notice this pain now might be
a sign that it is okay to let go of that way of working hard.
From now on, not to be recognized by someone else, but valuing whether I can be at peace with myself
, I want to face theater in a way that suits me.
Thank you for reading until the end😊
I am filled with gratitude🫶
I would be happy if my words could be a trigger for someone who is unconsciously working too hard and suffering to notice themselves, even just a little.
