The hardest part is before you go. The breakthrough I found as someone who can't make small talk without alcohol

It's not that I dislike interacting with people.

In fact, I actually want to interact with them properly. I want to reach out naturally. I want to enjoy small talk. I want to stay connected with the people there at a comfortable distance.

But in my case, things are always a little complicated.

I get tired before I go. I get nervous before I meet people. I overthink before I speak. As the scheduled time approaches, a simulation starts playing in my head on its own.

What should I talk about? Will I make them feel uncomfortable? Will I be able to join in smoothly? If I see someone I know, what should I say? What if I get ignored?

Nothing has happened yet, but I'm already exhausted.

I'm such a pain, aren't I...

April was a month where I felt shaken by the "distance between people." I felt jealous of my extroverted wife, participated in drinking parties with a specific purpose, and was taught by my son's small actions.

May was a continuation of that.

The theme was the nervousness before things begin.

Drinking parties. Baseball games. Sports days. Going to the office. Visiting clients. Handing over tasks before a transfer. Meetings with people I'm talking to for the first time.

Even though the situations are different, I feel restless every time.

But in May, I realized something important amidst that restlessness.

What I realized on the morning of the sports day

It was the same on the morning of the sports day.

Even though the purpose was to watch my children grow, my mind was only worried about meeting other parents I knew.

"What should I talk about?" "Will it create an awkward atmosphere?" "I don't have to force myself to talk, do I?"

While I was thinking about things like that, it suddenly occurred to me.

No, that's not the purpose.

Today is the day to witness my children's growth. Talking well with other parents is not the goal.

After having that dialogue with myself, I started to calm down a little.

This was the same for work.

When I talk to people I respect or people with a proven track record, I tend to shrink. The moment I think, 'This person is amazing,' a tension switch flips. I have to speak properly. I have to meet their expectations. The more I think that way, the more my body stiffens.

But I realized something in May.

If I can notice that I am nervous, there is a way to deal with it.

Prepare. Take a breath. Confirm the purpose. Look at the goal of the situation, not the evaluation of the other person.

Just by doing that, I can return to my own pace a little.

Maybe I don't have to get rid of the nervousness.

What's important is to have a place to return to when I feel nervous.

What I realized on the way home from drinking at home

In May, there was something I thought about so many times that I even laughed at myself.

I can't make small talk without alcohol.

I can say hello. I can talk about work. But when it comes to casual small talk, it suddenly becomes difficult. I feel embarrassed to reach out. I hesitate to join in on my own.

And yet, when I drink, I can talk.

When I was invited to drink at someone's house, I was quite nervous before going. I was nervous even though it was the second time. Maybe we don't have the same vibe. Will I be able to talk well? But once I actually started drinking, I was able to be myself. I could talk. I could laugh. I could be a little more relaxed.

That night, I thought about it on the way home.

When I have alcohol in my system, my guard is down a little. The pressure to 'talk well' has faded. I'm not worrying too much about how I'm seen by others. I'm enjoying the situation a little more.

In other words, I don't think the alcohol itself is what's important, but rather that there is a hint in the state I'm in when I have alcohol.

Perhaps in my daily life, I think of small talk too much as 'having to talk well'.

Then, one thing came to mind.

Perhaps my breakthrough is validation.

That was a nice play. You were really vocal today. Thanks for handling that earlier. That's a great idea. It's good to see you looking well.

I feel like I can manage saying things like that myself.

I don't have to force myself to be funny. I don't have to force myself to lead the conversation. I don't have to force myself to be an extrovert.

Just find something good about the other person or notice a change, and say a word about it. That's all it takes.

This is actually the same thing I do regularly as a coach. Draw the other person out. Keep my antenna up for their interests. Observe their words and expressions. I just need to apply the skills I use at work to my daily interactions.

The following week, I gave it a try.

At baseball over the weekend, I said to a parent I hadn't seen in a while, "Your son was really vocal today."

That was it.

The other person's face lit up a little, and they replied, "Really? That makes me happy."

The conversation continued a bit from there.

I didn't say anything profound. But compared to last month when I couldn't say anything at all, it was definitely progress.

People who are bad at small talk don't need to aim to be the life of the party. First, just start with validation.

For me in May, this was a major discovery.

Only by over-preparing can I finally return to my own pace

In May, there were many nerve-wracking situations at work as well.

People I was meeting for the first time. People with proven track records. Visiting clients. Handing over tasks before a transfer.

Especially in front of people with more experience than me, I tend to shrink. But I realized once again that preparation is crucial in those moments.

Even with preparation, I still get nervous.

But when I am prepared, I have a place I can return to even amidst the nervousness.

After preparing many times, I take a breath on the spot. Then, I felt a sense of my own pace returning a little.

You don't need to become someone who never gets nervous.

You just need to become someone who can recover even if they get nervous.

The strength of an introvert lies in preparation, not momentum. Rather than breaking through on the fly, I prepare in advance, confirm my purpose, and then enter the situation. That suits me better.

When I showed my weakness, we became a little closer

In May, I got gout.

It was so painful I couldn't walk. It was pathetic. It was embarrassing.

When I contacted them to say I might have to miss the training the next day, I was honestly embarrassed.

"I might have to take time off because of gout."

Saying that carries an indescribable sense of patheticness.

But at the same time, I thought a little.

Perhaps by exposing this kind of weakness, someone like me, who is usually seen as cool, might create a sense of familiarity.

In baseball terms, it's like the change of pace between a fastball and a changeup. Always precise. Always calm. If that's all there is, it can sometimes be hard to approach. A little bit off. A little bit pathetic. By showing those parts, the distance between people can sometimes shrink.

The more you try to appear perfect, the further away people feel. Perhaps when people see a slightly flawed side, they can feel at ease approaching you.

Weakness can be a changeup in relationships.

To be strong, it might be necessary not to hide your weaknesses too much.

What I learned from my children as a father

In May, I also spent a lot of time with my children.

Driving them to the pool. Two movies in a row. Baseball games. Sports day. And a trip just with my second son.

Usually, weekends revolve around my eldest son's baseball. I'm sure my second son has to endure things sometimes. So, for a change, I made it a trip where the two of us just focused on making everything he wanted to do happen. I'm glad he seemed satisfied.

In baseball, I felt encouraged by the children's games.

Even when losing, they never give up until the end. When the momentum is bad, that's when you speak up. When you're not playing well, that's when you stay energetic.

When the team's momentum is bad, what really matters is the attitude you show in that moment. When in a pinch. When losing. When the momentum is bad.

As a father and as a professional, I wanted to keep showing that attitude.

It was a month where I was pushed forward by the children.

Conclusion for May: Get yourself ready before engaging.

Looking back on May, I think about it once again.

I tend to get tired before things even start.

I get nervous before going. I brace myself before meeting people. Just having plans to meet someone I know makes my mind start racing.

But when I actually go, things often work out. If I meet them many times, the nervousness gradually decreases. Once I experience it, it helps my future self a little.

It's not that I'm not suited for it. Maybe it just takes me time to get used to things.

Introverts are not good at closing the distance all at once. But if I get myself ready first, I can get closer.

This is the conclusion for May.

Get yourself ready before engaging.

Prepare. Take a breath. Look at the purpose. Start with validation. Show a little bit of your vulnerability too.

To the words I found in April, I added one more in May.

I want to keep these words with me for a while.

Come to think of it, I wrote at the beginning that I am a hassle to myself.

I still think so now. And I probably will continue to think so.

However, the fact that you feel restless before going, simulate the situation, and realize that you are tired means that you understand yourself a little bit.

You just need to gradually find ways to get along with that troublesome side of yourself.

I think that is enough.

In June, I will experiment with "getting prepared before engaging"

In June, new environments and roles will start moving even more.

I will surely be nervous again. I will brace myself again. I will get tired before going again.

But that is okay.

Instead of blaming myself for being nervous, I want to increase the ways I can prepare myself.

People who feel restless before going. People who get stuck at the entrance of small talk. People who shrink in front of new acquaintances or bosses. But people who actually want to connect with others.

I think there are quite a few people like that.

From now on, I want to put into words the things I have felt, the stumbling blocks I have encountered, and the tricks that have made things a little easier as an introvert interacting with others.

You don't have to force yourself to be cheerful. You don't have to force yourself to be an extrovert. But you don't have to close off your own potential either.

I hope to one day create a place where people who carry similar restlessness can quietly talk about their true feelings.

If you have similar feelings, please let me know in the comments.

In what situations do you feel that "the hardest part is before you go"?