Why is 'It's okay' counterproductive? A 40-point IQ gap reveals the 'way to deliver data' that a sensitive child's brain craves — [Helping a sensitive child regain their smile: Episode 2 / 10 episodes total]

"It's okay, it'll be over soon."
"Look, everyone is having fun. Shall we go together?"

When we see the anxious look on a child's face, we instinctively say things like that.
It is a very natural feeling as a parent to want to reassure them as quickly as possible.

However, for my eldest son, who has the temperament of High IQ x HSP (2E), this word "okay" was surprisingly ineffective.
On the contrary, the more I encouraged him, the more he would panic, crying out as if he were on fire or freezing up like a clam, insisting, "Mom, you don't understand anything!"

Why do heartfelt words fail to reach him?
The reason lay in the numbers recorded in a file from 10 years ago and the way his brain "receives information."

1. Clogging a narrow port with a '4K camera' brain

The results of the WISC (intelligence test) from 10 years ago, which I found in the back of the closet, were marked with surprising "peaks and valleys."

The areas of strength (perceptual reasoning and processing speed)are the ability to catch information from the eyes and instantly see through patterns. According to experts, it is like the performance of a state-of-the-art high-resolution camera.

The areas of weakness (verbal comprehension and working memory)are the ability to explain in words or process instructions from the ears. I was told that this is, by contrast, like a narrow and cautious communication port.

(Detailed numerical values from the WISC psychological test results are kept private from the perspective of personal information protection.)

This gap turned his daily life into a "hell."

The moment he was placed in an "unknown state" where the future could not be predicted, his brain would begin to project the "worst-case scenario" as a vivid image inside his mind.

If we were going to the hospital, it would be "an image of being given many painful injections and bleeding uncontrollably."
If a school event was mentioned, it would be "an image of panicking in an unfamiliar place and trembling alone."

What is terrifying is that they perceive the images created in their brains with the exact same realism as if they were experiencing them right now.
His heart would race, cold sweat would break out, and his throat would tighten. His body in this very moment would react violently to the fear of a future that had not yet happened.

2. Instructions from the ears disappear into a 'sandstorm'

Furthermore, the low value of his working memory (short-term memory from the ears) meant a physical "capacity overload."

The psychologist's findings noted the following:
"He seems to struggle with short-term memory of information received through the ears. Especially when there is too much information, he becomes confused."

As a parent, I tended to give instructions verbally, one after another, like "do this, do that."
However, his small notepad (working memory) would already be overflowing by the time the second word came in.

"Why won't you say anything?"
"What happened?"

When I pressed him, a data compression error was simply occurring inside his head.
It wasn't that he was ignoring his parent.
I understand now that the exit for words was experiencing a massive traffic jam, and his brain had chosen to shut down to prevent overheating.

3. The one and only prescription to calm the brain

It was only natural that saying 'it's okay' to a brain in a state of panic wouldn't work.
While their internal mental screen is filled with despair, not a single piece of concrete evidence explaining 'what is okay and how' is getting through to them.

So, how can we stop their brain's internal screening?
The conclusion I reached was an approach of 'avoiding emotions and providing only physical steps.'

By feeding the brain the correct data about 'what will happen next' in advance, the brain no longer needs to create its own anxious predictions.
Once they have a clear outlook, the excitement in the amygdala, which governs emotions, subsides, and logic can regain control.

There are only three tips for specific rephrasing.

• Discard all emotional words like 'it's okay' or 'don't be scared'

• State only the sequence of actual physical actions that will occur

• Limit the steps you convey to three at a time
  
  

4. Examples of rephrasing you can use starting today

When going to the hospital

✕ 'It's okay, it'll be over soon.'
○ 'You'll check in, get your name called, the doctor will take a quick look in your mouth, and then it's over.'

Regarding anxiety about school events

✕ 'Everyone is going, so it'll be fun!'
○ 'We'll do this in the morning, this in the afternoon, and lights out at 10 PM. There will be no surprises other than this.'

The point is to never lie.
If you say 'it won't hurt' and it does, the brain will start to reject those words from then on.
I feel that telling them honestly, 'It will sting for just the time it takes to count to ten,' is what sincerity means to these children.

Conclusion: Saying 'I'm sorry' and 'Thank you' after 10 years

While looking at the WISC scores, I apologized to my eldest son in my heart.

'I'm sorry for questioning you when you couldn't explain it well in words. You were the one struggling the most because you couldn't keep up with words spoken to you.'

But at the same time, a great sense of relief welled up.
His difficulty in living was not due to my parenting, nor was it due to his own selfishness.
I felt the numbers proved that his brain simply processed information in a way that was more unique than most.

Just by changing my words from 'empathy' to 'presenting steps,' the tension in my eldest son's shoulders would suddenly melt away, and the moments where reason returned to his eyes gradually increased.

Next is Episode 3: The gap between HSP sensitivity and 2E. The day I let go of 'verbal conversation' and shifted to visualization