Things I want to look at before asking, "What should I do?"

When deciding something with others or talking with people close to me,
I sometimes find myself trying to steer the conversation toward a "good landing spot" without even realizing it.

How should I respond?

What should I say to make sure the other person understands me properly?

Which way of thinking is correct?

What kind of conclusion would satisfy both the other person and myself?

I want to avoid mistakes as much as possible, and if possible, solve the problem.

I often find myself talking while thinking these things.

I don't think there is anything wrong with searching for the right answer itself.

If there is a problem, I want to solve it.

If the conversation is tangled, I want to untangle it.

I think it is also natural to want to move in the best possible direction.

However, recently, I thought there was something I wanted to look at before that.

What am I doing right now?

Before coming up with an answer, I try to look at what I am doing right now.

I thought that might actually bring me closer to a solution.

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"Let's do this" looks positive at first glance

Until now, whenever something didn't go well,

"I'll do this next time"

is what I often thought.

Let's try not to blame the other person.

Let's try not to get emotional.

Let's try to think a little more calmly.

Let's try to put ourselves in the other person's shoes.

Let's try to take a step back and look at the big picture for once.

All of these seem like positive words at first glance.

In fact, I think there are times when thinking that way is helpful.

However, there were times when those words were doing something else within me.

Trying to move myself from a self that blames others to a self that does not.

Trying to move myself from a self caught in the middle of things to a self that can see the big picture.

Trying to move myself from a self whose emotions are wavering to a self that is calm.

I was deciding on a state that seemed correct and trying to lead myself there.

It was almost as if I were giving instructions to my current self.

Thinking "let's do this" does not always mean manipulating oneself.

However, if you use those words without knowing what you are doing right now,

"You are not good enough as you are, so move over here"

can sometimes become close to a command.

Even when using positive words, there are times when you are trying to force yourself into a desirable shape.

When I think about it that way, perhaps I was trying to manipulate myself not only when I was looking for the right answer, but also when I was trying to change in a positive way.

What am I doing right now?

So,

"What is the right thing to do?"

instead of that,

"What am I doing right now?"

try looking at it that way.

Then, apart from the content of the conversation, you will gradually begin to see what you are doing.

I am trying to solve the problem quickly right now.

I am trying to steer the conversation until the other person is convinced.

I am being humble so that I don't get a dirty look.

I am withdrawing my own thoughts and trying to accommodate the other person.

Conversely, I am trying to summarize the conversation from a position of superiority, saying, "In short, this is what it is, right?"

I am adding more explanations so that I won't be blamed.

I am trying to reach a conclusion quickly because I want to end my anxiety.

I thought I wanted to make the conversation go well.

I thought I was considering the other person.

However, deep down, there were times when I was trying to move the other person or myself in a direction that seemed like the correct answer.

When you are in the middle of the vortex, it is hard to see.

I am just doing what is necessary.

I am trying to solve the problem.

That is because I thought so.

There are times when it is hard to acknowledge what you see.

Of course, even if you see what you are doing, it does not necessarily mean you can acknowledge it right away.

"I might be pandering to the other person right now."

Even if you think that,

there are times you want to think, no, I am just respecting them.

"I am trying to wrap up the conversation from a position of authority right now."

Even if you are about to see that,

there are times you want to say, no, I am just organizing the conversation.

It is difficult to acknowledge actions that are not very favorable to yourself.

Sometimes you feel like if you acknowledge them, you will become a bad person.

However,

"I am a person who panders"

is a bit different from

"Right now, I am trying to pander"

which is looking at your current action.

Instead of judging yourself as "I am a condescending person,"

"Right now, I am trying to take the side of summarizing the other person's story"

is how you try to look at it.

I wanted to treat it as a confirmation of what I am doing now, rather than a judgment of my character.

I feel like at that distance, it might be possible to see it.

When you can see your own movements, you step slightly out of the vortex.

'I am doing this right now.'

When you see that, a small distance forms between you and the event.

Until then, you were caught up in the story.

You were chasing the other person's reactions, searching for the right answer, and
continuing to move toward that answer.

However, when you notice your own movements,

the self that is doing and the self that is watching become slightly separated.

I think this is probably what it means to step out of the vortex.

It is not that I told myself to 'take a bird's-eye view.'

As a result of looking and asking, 'What am I doing right now?', I have stepped slightly outside.

Instead of trying to become someone who can take a bird's-eye view,
by seeing your own actions, a bird's-eye view occurs as a result.

I feel this difference is greater than I had thought.

From there, 'So, what now?' is born

When you can see what you are doing now, after that,

So, what now?

is born.

If you realize you are pandering, will you continue to go along with the other person?

Will you try expressing your own opinion a little?

Will you say nothing today and think about it later?

If you realize you are trying to solve a problem,
is a solution really necessary right now?

Is the other person just wanting to talk?

Am I rushing to a conclusion because I want to feel at ease quickly?

I think what you choose from there will differ from time to time.

There are times when you cannot change your actions immediately.

Even while knowing you are just going along with it, you might choose to conform today.

I think there are also times when you cannot voice your own opinion and remain silent.

Even so, I believe that being moved without knowing what you are doing is not the same as choosing to do something while being aware that "I am doing this right now."

When I was looking for the correct answer, I was trying to follow what seemed to be the right answer.

When I decided, "I will do this," I was trying to move my current self into a shape that fits that answer.

However,

"What am I doing right now?"

When I looked at that, I gradually returned to the side that chooses.

To me, it seemed that recognizing the current situation was not the same as stopping there.

"I see. So this is what I am doing right now."

I understand.

From there,

"Well then, what shall I do from here?"

is born.

Before trying to move yourself in the right direction, know what you are doing right now.

Just by doing that, the self that was caught up in the conversation can sometimes step out a little.

And perhaps, from that position, you might be able to choose what comes next for yourself.

If this article has served as a small catalyst for organizing your thoughts, I would be happy if you could let me know you received it by clicking the like button or following me.

▼ Recommended reading

The more you think, "I must choose the right answer," the more you may find yourself unsure of which one to pick.

I wrote about finding an answer that fits you now, rather than trying to guess the one correct answer.

When you notice what you are doing right now, a brief pause can emerge before you fall into your usual reaction.

This is an article about stepping outside of your usual reactions when you find yourself repeating them.

[Postscript | PR]

For those who want to learn more about writing, I think Shin-en Miyamoto's "Five-Star Writing Technique," which I am studying, will also be helpful.
Writing is not just about sense; it also changes with design.
This course was one of the triggers that made me think so.
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