"Why do I have to be spoken to like this?" — How to keep your judgment from being clouded by words thrown at you with emotion

"Couldn't you have said that in a better way?"

Even though I thought that, I couldn't say it well in the moment.
I felt like it would only cause more trouble if I talked back, so I had no choice but to swallow it.
But even though I swallowed it, it didn't end at all.

I keep replaying it in my head over and over,
Was I in the wrong?
Should I have just stayed silent and taken it?
No, but that way of speaking was wrong, wasn't it?
My mind just keeps buzzing with these thoughts.

Sometimes, right after someone speaks harshly to you, it doesn't end even when the situation is over.
Even if your body has left the scene, your heart is still being dragged along.
Today, I'd like to write about what I've recently decided to do when that happens.

Thank you for always reading.
I am truly happy for your likes, comments, and follows.
I read every single one with care.

In truth, I would like to take each of your hands, look you in the eye, and say "thank you."
That is how happy I am that my words are reaching you.

A harsh tone is not proof of being right

When someone speaks to you harshly, it can sometimes sound like a "valid point" just because of the intensity.

But now, I think a little differently than before.
A harsh tone and being right are not the same thing.

When the other person is being emotional, what they are conveying isn't just the facts.
Irritation, impatience, a lack of composure, a desire to dominate, a need to have things go their way.
Sometimes these things are mixed in when they are thrown at you.

Harsh words can sometimes represent the person's emotional volatility or the magnitude of their reaction rather than a valid point.

Perhaps there was something that triggered such a strong reaction in them.
That is why I try to see the intensity itself not as "the correctness of the content," but first as a sign that "this person's emotions are currently very stirred up."

I don't think this is just about the other person, either.
Because I know that when my own emotions are running high, I sometimes say things that I regret when I look back on them later.

So, in reality, it is better to separate the content from the heat.
But when someone speaks to you harshly, that separation becomes difficult all at once.

Fear.
Freezing up.
Increased heart rate.
Excuses running through my head.
At that point, my judgment is already starting to become clouded.

Deciding beforehand, rather than trying to "avoid getting caught up"

I used to think,
I should try not to get caught up,
I should stay calm,
I should try to take it in properly,
and so on.

But that just means I end up struggling in the moment, doesn't it?

While the other person is being volatile, I am the only one trying to keep myself together.
That effort itself is quite draining.
Moreover, the more serious you are, the more likely you are to internalize it, thinking, "I need to take this properly" or "I must have done something wrong too."

That is why, recently, I have started deciding things beforehand.

Do not listen to what an emotional person says.
To be precise, do not accept words thrown at you with emotion at face value.

Just having this rule has significantly changed how I am affected.
I still get caught up in the atmosphere sometimes.
It doesn't mean the fear disappears entirely.
But knowing that I don't have to use the "other person's heat" as part of my own decision-making criteria allows me to avoid swallowing everything.

Not accepting is a little different from ignoring

What I mean here is not that you should ignore everything someone says to you.

If you look back at it later when you are calm,
and there are points that need to be corrected as a matter of fact, then you should look at those.
I don't want to reject things that are actually necessary.

But you don't have to take everything to heart, including the volatile way they spoke in the moment.

A high-handed attitude.
A rough way of speaking.
The way they throw their emotions at you.

It means you don't have to include those things as "information I accept."

I use this as a "rule to avoid reaching a conclusion on the spot."

Records are a tool to help you return to a bird's-eye view

Another thing I find quite useful is keeping records.

What was said.
What the situation was like.
How I felt.

Writing these things down makes it easier to step away from the pressure of the moment.
Of course, it might serve as evidence if something happens later.
But that is not the only benefit of keeping records.

Being able to confirm, "The distress I felt wasn't just in my head."
And being able to review it in the form of facts, rather than the other person's momentum.

When you are affected by an emotional person, your own perspective tends to narrow.
I think of records as a handrail that helps me return to a bird's-eye view.

It is okay to step away to protect your own judgment

It is okay if there are days when you cannot talk back on the spot.
It is okay if you cannot respond well.
It is okay if you cannot provide an answer immediately.

Changing the location.
Changing the timing.
Not receiving it alone.
Taking distance.
Keeping records.

I believe that moving in those ways is not running away, but rather a way of preparing yourself to protect your own judgment.

The more you take an emotional person's words seriously, the more your own judgment is likely to be clouded.
That is why I have decided not to accept words thrown at me with emotion.

It is not about being cold.
It is a rule to ensure you do not hand over the role of judge to the heat of someone treating you poorly.

If you are currently feeling distressed because you are being pulled in by a harsh tone or rough words,
perhaps the first thing you can do is decide one thing for yourself.

"The heat was conveyed. But I will not adopt the content as it is."

I believe that even just doing that can create a small shelter within your heart.

If any part of this resonated with you, I would be happy if you could leave a like. It lets me know that my message reached you.
If you would like to read more, please feel free to follow as well.

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When the fear of "what if I get blamed" is strong, your body may freeze up before you can even think about talking back.
This is a piece that digs into why we become unable to move in environments that lack safety and security.
Freezing up at the thought of "what if I get blamed."—Why we can't move without safety and security

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