When I am looking at someone, where am I?

When I was talking to someone, I was observing their state.

However, at the same time, I was also observing myself.

What am I trying to do right now?
Am I trying to change their mood?
Am I trying to steer their reaction in the direction I want?

By watching my own actions from a slight distance like that,
I gradually began to see what I wanted to do.

Rather than trying to do something about the other person, what do I want to do?

I was able to bring my consciousness back to that.

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Observing what I am doing

When something happens, our consciousness tends to turn toward the person or event in front of us.

What is the other person thinking?
Why are they acting that way?
How can I make them understand my thoughts?

I think it is necessary to look at the other person.

In relationships with others, there are times when I choose my words while observing their demeanor.
There are times when I compromise a little or adjust things so that the situation does not become chaotic.

There is also something to be gained from trying to please others.

The situation might settle down peacefully.
The relationship might continue smoothly.
It can sometimes lead to protecting oneself in that moment.

Therefore, I do not think that trying to please others or sacrificing a little of oneself
is unconditionally bad.

However, what am I doing at that time?

Whether or not I can see that far is a slightly different matter.

I am currently concerned about the other person's mood.
I am trying to change their reaction.
I am actually tired, but I am trying to go along with it a little more.

And there is one more thing I want to keep an eye on.

Am I being worn down at that time?
Am I pushing myself a little?
Or am I able to do it without much burden right now?

Even when I am adjusting to someone in the same way,
what is happening within me differs depending on the moment.

Just because I have recognized this, it does not mean I need to stop immediately.

I might still choose to continue.
There are times when I judge that it is better to adjust to the other person for now.

I think what is important is not choosing the right action,
but not losing sight of what I am doing.

To see myself, I also need space.

At least in my case, I realized that even to observe my own movements like this,
I need a little bit of space.

When I am filled with anger, sadness, anxiety, or fatigue,
it becomes difficult to see what I am doing in that moment.

When I am angry at someone, only their bad points appear large.
When I am blaming myself, it feels like everything is my fault.

When emotions are running high, it is not easy to see myself fairly.

It is not that I am not trying to see myself,
but I think there are times when the space to see myself
is not really left right now.

At such times,
I must see myself objectively.
I must become calm.
I must be more neutral.

If I think like that, it becomes a new burden as well.

It is not that I must always be calm.
It is not that I must not be swayed by emotions.

I just wonder, where am I right now?

Am I more down than usual?
Am I a little excited?
Am I being pulled quite a bit by the other person's words?
Is there almost no room left to think?

Instead of returning to a neutral state,
I learn how far I am from that point now.

I use it like a scale to check my current location.

Even just doing that can sometimes keep me from treating what I am feeling as an absolute fact.

Things I want to keep to protect myself

When my remaining strength decreases, it is not just that I become grumpy.

Feeling that something is unpleasant.
Pausing because something feels wrong.
Deciding that it is better to keep your distance.
Refusing or asking for help.

I think it takes strength to pause or say no in order to protect yourself.

If you have almost no energy left,
you will be doing all you can just to get through what is in front of you.

You end up accepting things that you would normally find problematic.
Even though you really think it is too much, the words to refuse do not come out.
You even lose track of what you feel is unpleasant.

There are times when you have already used up even the energy you were supposed to use to protect yourself.

Therefore, paying attention to your own state
is not just about keeping yourself in a good mood.

How much strength do I have left right now
to think, to choose, and to protect myself?

I think it is also to know that.

Can you see it before you try to change it?

I must keep myself in a good mood.
I must stop trying to keep others in a good mood.
I must value myself more.

When you immediately set new goals,
even things that were supposed to make you feel at ease become tasks.

So, perhaps it is okay not to try to change anything at first.

What am I doing right now?
Whose state am I looking at?
How much of myself am I using for that?
How much margin do I have left right now?

After you can see that,
you can think about whether to continue as you are,
or to step away a little.

Recognizing things is not the same as changing yourself immediately.

I think it is about returning from a place where you were being swept along unconsciously
to a place where you can choose for yourself once again.

If there is anything in this article that feels close to your current situation, I would be happy if you could let me know by clicking the like button or following me.

▼ Recommended reading

I wrote about how reading other people's feelings became second nature, and how I adjusted my own words and attitudes accordingly.

Another thing is the story of how I was gradually wearing myself down without realizing it, because I kept myself available to respond whenever I received a message.

[Postscript | PR]

For those who want to learn more about writing, I think Shin-gan Miyamoto's "Five-Star Writing Technique," which I am studying, will also be helpful.
Writing is not just about sense; it also changes with design.
This course was one of the triggers that made me think so.
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