"Why am I so prickly today?" — The things I actually wanted someone to touch.

The "thorns" that rise up quietly might be a sign that your true feelings are trying to catch their breath.

"Why am I so prickly today?"

On days when I feel that way,
the resolution of the scenery before my eyes seems strangely low.

Even though it should have color and outlines,
somehow the information seems to be missing.
It feels as if my consciousness is being pulled more toward my internal "state"
than the world outside.

I can somehow tell
that my own senses are becoming dull.

And,
there is a part of me that has become somewhat aggressive.

A remark I would usually let slide gets stuck,
and to put it a bit dramatically,
I even feel like I'm bracing myself against the world.

But this phenomenon is
neither a "personality issue" nor a "whim."

Deep in my heart,
it is a sign that an emotion is quietly stirring.

That emotion is
"the feeling of being unrewarded."

Even though I've worked hard,
that feeling of not being acknowledged by anyone.
The sense that things I've built up in the shadows
are still left hanging in mid-air.

In truth, I just wanted someone to say,
"You're doing a great job,"
and for them to touch upon that feeling.

However, that feeling
is not near the surface.

Because I've been hiding it so hard for so long,
it lies deep down,
making it hard even for me to see.

The things that sank without being touched
quietly float to the surface one day.
That is the true identity of a "day when thorns rise."

A day when thorns rise
is not a day when kindness disappears.

It is a day when the desire to be rewarded
shows its face more strongly than kindness.

But because that feeling is buried deep,
even I cannot notice it.

I didn't want to see it.
Because I was trying to be strong.
As if I would fall apart
if I touched my true feelings.

It's as if I had been trying
to be a "hero" all along.

A hero does not complain.
Even when tired, they do not show it.
They cannot step down from the role of protecting others.
They must always be cool.

Strength is a "role," and
it is also a "mask."

When you wear that mask for too long,
you forget its weight yourself.
You even stop noticing that your true feelings
are lying in the shadows of what you have protected all this time.

When unrewarded feelings accumulate, a person's
"desire to be treated kindly"
comes out before their "ability to be kind."

However, those feelings lie in a deep layer.
That is why, when they surface,
they appear a bit twisted.

Becoming irritable,
seeming sulky,
or wanting to distance yourself.

In truth, all of these
are signs that you want someone to notice.

The voice saying, "I'm trying so hard!"
often seems directed at others,
but is actually directed at oneself.

——You wanted yourself, more than anyone else,
to acknowledge those unrewarded feelings.

But while wearing the hero's mask,
you cannot notice the existence of such true feelings.

Because in the shadow of strength,
the voice of your own heart is always pushed to the back.

So first,
I want to tell you just one thing today.

Wearing the hero's mask,
you have done your best to get this far.

There must have been days when you could only
protect yourself by appearing strong.

The feelings beneath the mask
are not weak.
They were just lying quietly in the depths.

When you yourself
can gently touch those feelings—

kindness does not "return";
it quietly breathes back to life.

And I believe that the days you can be kind to others
are the days when you feel rewarded yourself.

That is not a kindness chosen by others,
but one that begins with you touching yourself first.

Thank you for reading.
I write pieces that gently handle the things lying deep within the heart.

If today's words touched you in some way,
I would be happy if you came to read again.