Resolving the feeling of 'I don't know what I want to do'
I am Iwai, the representative of UTSUWA Publishing.
'I don't know what I want to do'
When you hear that the number of people saying this is increasing, or if there are people around you who say this...
Don't you think things like, 'Is that really possible!?' or 'Doesn't this person really have any will of their own?'
Excuse me for saying so, but I used to think that way.
However, I believe this can happen to anyone under 'certain specific circumstances' (at the very least, it happened to me, even though I was critical. It definitely came back to haunt me).
Writing 'certain specific circumstances' might sound a bit dramatic, but to put it simply, it is 'when talking to other people'.
If someone close to you, someone you trust, or someone you respect looks you in the eye and asks seriously,
'What do you want to do?'
don't you feel a jolt of nervousness?
The reason for that jolt is a kind of pressure to answer that question seriously.
And a kind of sense of responsibility to convey your own will and ideals to someone you trust or respect.
I think that by feeling that pressure and sense of responsibility, you end up imagining 'the reactions of those around you if you fail'.
What if I disappoint them?
What if they lose faith in me?
What if they think I'm incompetent or useless?
The pressure and sense of responsibility invite anxiety about the future.
Thinking about such risks makes it scary to speak of dreams or ideals, and before you know it, you keep them hidden in your own heart.
However, this is what is scary.
At first, it starts as something you just didn't tell those around you, but gradually it becomes perceived as 'hiding it from others,' and as time passes, it changes into 'something that is realistically difficult'.
'I'm changing jobs, so now isn't the right time.'
'I'm getting married (or having a baby) soon.'
'The economic situation is bad right now.'
'I'm tired right now.'
I truly understand the feeling of wanting to say those things.
But what is most terrifying is that while you are aware when you lie to others, hide things, or make excuses, you are unaware when you lie to yourself, hide things from yourself, or make excuses to yourself.
When you lie or make excuses to escape from pressure, responsibility, or 'how others will react if you fail,' those lies and excuses eventually stick firmly to your true feelings, and those stuck-on lies and excuses start to look like your true feelings.
I was exactly like that.
Before I knew it, I couldn't tell if my lies and excuses were 'calm judgments' or if they were 'coming from the fear of challenging my ideals.'
That is precisely why 'speaking your true feelings and saying what you think honestly' is important.
Even if you say it out loud and wonder what the other person might think of you—even if they feel expectation or disappointment—it is still your true heart.
Also, just because you state what you want to do or your ideals, you don't have to feel any pressure or sense of responsibility.
It is okay if it changes along the way, because people are constantly evolving (though, of course, it is not good to constantly change what you say).
If you are someone who says, "I don't know what I want to do," please start by writing your true feelings in a notebook that no one else will see.
Include not only what you want to do or your ideals, but also the fears and reasons why you think they might not come true.
Once you get used to putting your true feelings down on paper, try talking about them to someone else.
You will surely be surprised by how unexpectedly casual their reaction is!
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