How to find your own "want" (For those who don't know their own emotions, let's talk about collecting stars)

I thought about putting this in the "Monthly Self-Esteem" magazine, but lately, there are so many people around me suffering from this problem of "not knowing their own true emotions," so I decided to write it in a regular note so that everyone can read it.

Let's feel as we feelI wrote in that note as well, but I have been talking in the magazine for a long time about how rebuilding self-esteem is about reclaiming your original emotions.


And, I'm just kind of scribbling back and forth with Saku-chan about how we can actually do that.

A little while ago, I listened to a girl who said she "doesn't know herself."

She ends up in a position where she listens to various complaints from others, but she actually finds it painful and dislikes it, and she was sad, calling herself a "cold person who can't really empathize with others."


I thought, that's probably not the case.
Because if you don't know your own emotions and feel the anxiety of having nowhere to put yourself, there's no way you could have the capacity to accept someone else's negative emotions.


Without self-esteem, it's easy to develop a habit of "acting out" emotions for someone else's sake.

It has become a "decided matter" within her that she must listen to complaints thoroughly and show an empathetic attitude. She is convinced that otherwise, she has no value.


In that, her own emotions—"I don't want to hear this right now," "I can't empathize," "It's painful"—are not considered at all.
She has become too accustomed to acting out emotions for others, and she has lost track of her own original emotions.

Such a person isnot living their own original story.


"I understand that I am very anxious and feel like I'm falling apart.
But I don't know why that is, and I don't know my own feelings, so I don't know what to do."

She said that while crying.


She probably left her original emotions behind at a very early stage in her life and has left them that way.


And so, the unidentified emotions that have been suppressed are swelling up, and the pressure is rising to the point where she feels like she's going to break.

Besides her, there are many people who say they "don't know their own true emotions."


There are people who, after taking a bird's-eye view of their surrounding human relationships, think about what they should say and how they should behave among these people to best meet everyone's expectations and be optimal.
By doing so, as if they were a piece on a board, they only think about the optimization of the situation, and communication lacking subjectivity has become a habit.


Such people are very good at their jobs and are highly regarded by those around them.
But there is no room for their "true emotions" to intervene there.

"People live by clinging to their own stories."

This is a quote from Dr. Tadaichiro Takagaki.

Conversely, if there is no story to cling to, people cannot live.

I believe that living happily means being able to wholeheartedly accept the story you have spun for yourself without harboring doubts or deception, and being able to honestly and fully commit to that story.

If you can live your own "story" that you can cling to until you die, you are very lucky.

But that is quite difficult. Because human intelligence is constantly improving.
They call it self-deception, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to deceive yourself.

There may be a situation where, triggered by information you happened to see one day or a casual remark from someone, you can no longer fit into the story you had been fully committed to until then.


There is always the danger that your story will suddenly fade, as if you had suddenly woken up from a dream, and you might think, "Wait, what have I been doing until now?"

The world we live in is changing that rapidly, the information coming in keeps increasing, and we are too blessed with opportunities to glimpse other people's lives (even if we don't want to) through social media and the like. We are forced to relativize whether we like it or not.

Therefore, it is necessary to maintain and re-edit your story at key points to make it something that can withstand the changes of the times and stimuli from the outside world and allow you to continue committing to it.

How can you build a story of yourself that you can love?

That can only be done by"being honest with your own emotions."

It is emotions that spin a person's story.
If you lie to yourself there and don't know your true emotions, you cannot tell a story that you should wholeheartedly cling to.


What is especially important is "want."
If you spin emotions that lead to "want," you will gradually be able to grasp the center of yourself. That becomes the fundamental framework of your story.

However, there is one big problem.
That is,finding "want" is incredibly difficult.Especially for those who have left their own emotions behind, the difficulty level is even higher.

Still, there are hints to finding it.
I'd like to introduce a method I personally call “star collecting”.”

When you encounter people or works of art, there are moments when your heart is moved, whether for better or worse. Emotions are born from that impact or friction.


Pay special attention when you feel psychological resistance or some kind of discomfort.
At that moment, your heart is "bumping into" something.
That is why there is friction, and conflict is born.
Though, fundamentally, that is a painful thing.

However, the fact that you feel "pain" means that behind it lies a fragment of a "want," such as "I actually wanted to live like this" or "I wanted it to be like this."
Therein lies the hint to reclaiming your original emotions.

In short, it means “bump into things.” It is “sumo-style collision practice.” (I am aware that I am saying something quite Spartan.)

In manga or anime, when characters bump into each other head-on, stars often pop out of their heads, right?

<Reference image: 'Ants and ants bumping into each other'>

When these stars are born, waves of emotion ripple there.
By observing them, you will surely come to understand many things.
It is even better if you write down the insights you gain there on paper or Twitter.


For now, if you collect about 100 of these stars, you might get a 1-up, something like that.
That is the image.
(And if you can truly discover a new you through that, it is a real 1-up. Because from there, you can start living a new life.)

If you accept everyone's claims like "pushing against a curtain," no stars of resistance will be born there. Whether that is truly good or bad for you—
there must be something you feel fuzzy about. Let's try putting that into words.

There is no way you have had no opinions since you were born.
When you were a baby, you must have asserted yourself with all your might by crying, saying things like "I'm thirsty" or "I'm sleepy." You just don't remember.

You are simply going back to reclaim what you had to leave behind somewhere in order to survive a harsh environment.

By the way, I believe that "dialogue" is a mild form of "collision practice" where you respect each other. A dialogue partner who gives you insights into various emotions is a lifelong treasure, so cherish them.

Well then, see you later.

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My magazine with Saku-chan, “Monthly Self-Affirmation,” is run with this kind of vibe. If you are a little curious, please come take a peek.

If you want to try it out, there is also “Monthly Self-Affirmation (February),” which I accidentally created (lol) and only contains the 9 articles from February.

And tonight, I will be talking with Saku-chan and Suisui-san at cakes×note FES. I wonder what kind of content it will be; I'm looking forward to it.

Please feel free to reach out.