Goals, Achievement Levels, and Current Standing

Lately, I often feel that my days are heavy.

There hasn't been any one particular major failure. That is precisely why small wounds, or perhaps stumbles, or tiny, tiny misunderstandings resonate so heavily.

Fatigue that won't go away.

Tension that won't dissolve.

Stiff, unyielding stress.

A repetition of disappointment, thinking, 'Here we go again.'

Setting goals.

Estimating benchmarks.

In anything, these are necessary to some extent.

But it seems I have a tendency to overthink those goals and their achievement levels, and by binding myself, I end up self-destructing.

More and more, faster and faster, I have to do better, I have to try harder.

I haven't done that either. This is no good, too.

Even writing this now makes me feel suffocated, but my days are always being chased by something.

Some people say their hearts break when someone else revises their work, but in my job, that is an everyday occurrence. I don't have time to have my heart broken over every little thing, and if having it revised leads to a better result, I think that's cause for celebration.

If anything, rather than being directly corrected, it is more painful when someone else is indirectly (secretly) discussing my work with another person.

I wonder if that depends on the person.

I feel like I have to do my best every day, so my shoulders are tense, and I can't find any rest.

What is the reason I have to do my best?

Because I have to do my best.

Because I cannot stand my own incompetence.

Because I feel pathetic for being a disappointment forever.

Because I don't want to become a useless person.

Useless, pathetic—compared to what? Who is doing the judging?

I feel like I'm the one judging, but in reality, I'm just worrying about what others think. I'm just worrying too much.

Even though no one has told me directly that I'm useless, I'm the one telling myself that I'm useless and pathetic. It's become second nature, and it's very painful.

For me, physical exhaustion is directly linked to my mental state, so when I think I'm tired, my negative thoughts are already spinning at full speed.

This is no time to be dragged down by my feelings and turn negative! I have to try harder!

I tend to enter a reckless mode like that.

And then I get even more tired, and my feelings fall apart.

I've been like that since around the second half of October.

I think I did well to survive November.

I've been doing coloring, reading, and trying out Postcrossing. I'm doing various things, but it's painful.

My current status cannot be called a very good state.

But I feel like I'm alive right now.

I'm alive, having barely managed to prevent Thomas from visiting.

My goals, my achievement level, and my current status—I can only give myself a negative and poor evaluation, but well, there are times like that, aren't there?

Or rather, they happen.

Eventually, this state will (probably) end, and if I keep thinking 'eventually, eventually,' maybe a path will open up naturally.

Nothing stays the same.

Because everything is in a state of flux.

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes yet.

[Today's English Composition]
"In for a penny, in for a pound." I tried translating it literally.
I tried translating 毒を食らわば皿まで literally, if you had poison, you should eat up the dish.

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