For those who want to reconcile, but don't want to return to a relationship where marriage isn't possible | 7 questions to help you sort out your feelings

What I wanted to sort out before reconciling after being told, "Marriage is two years away" and breaking up

I think there are some of you who are considering reconciliation while carrying such anxieties.

Even if time has passed since the breakup, if your feelings remain, you might find yourself wondering how you can reconcile, when you should contact him, or if he still loves you.

I also have experience breaking up while still in love.

So, I have no intention of denying your desire to reconcile.

However, looking back now, there is one more thing I wanted to sort out before considering reconciliation.

That is,

Do I want to go back to him?
What kind of future do I want to build with him?

That is what I mean.

I want to talk to him again.

I want to be with him once more.

While I wish for that,

“Won't we just break up for the same reason even if we reconcile?”

“I don't want to return to a relationship where I love him but can't feel secure.”

“What if time just passes without us being able to talk about marriage or the future?”

I think there are some of you who are carrying these anxieties.

I want to reconcile.
But I don't want to return to a love where marriage isn't possible.

When you have these two feelings at the same time,
you might want to find an answer quickly, asking yourself,
“Should I wait because I love him?”
“Should I leave if I can't see a future?”

However, if you try to decide whether to wait or leave by looking only at one thing the other person said, you might lose sight of what you really wanted to confirm.

When I was 23, I asked my 24-year-old boyfriend, who I was in a long-distance relationship with,

“What are you thinking about our future?”

The answer that came back was,

“I'm thinking about marriage in about two years.”

When I heard those words, what I felt first wasn't relief, but anxiety.

Does he really intend to marry me in two years?

Is there a possibility that he won't marry me even after waiting two years?

In the first place, why two years?

Many questions came to mind.

Even so, without asking enough about the reason, I told him,

“I am thinking about a future with you. If you aren't dating with the intention of marriage, I want to break up.”

It wasn't that I broke up because I stopped loving him.

My feelings of love remained.

Immediately after the breakup, I even had some regrets.

Still, I tried to convince myself by saying,

“If our ways of thinking about the timing of marriage are different, it can't be helped.”

Now I understand.

What I was afraid of wasn't the two-year period itself.

I was afraid of entrusting my future to him without knowing the reason why two years were necessary.

But at the time, before I could convey that fear to him, I reached a conclusion by looking only at the answer of “two years later.”

What the other person actually said and the meaning I received are not necessarily the same.

What he said was,

“I'm thinking about marriage in about two years.”

But I replaced that with the meaning of,

“He isn't thinking about marrying me right now.”

“I don't know if I can get married even if I wait two years.”

Of course, that anxiety wasn't wrong.

I think it's natural to feel anxious about waiting while the future is vague.

However, there were things I could have asked before deciding to break up.

Why are two years necessary?

What do you want to get in order during those two years?

What needs to be in order for you to think concretely about marriage?

What will we do together during that time?

I decided his feelings for myself without confirming those things.

He wasn't not thinking about marriage; he just couldn't say it lightly

Even during the month or so we were broken up, emails arrived from him.

Among them was an email telling me what he had thought about our future.

Based on my memory, the email at the time wrote about his lack of self-confidence, his anxiety about his job and savings, that he couldn't take the responsibility of marriage lightly, and that he wanted to get married after he reached a state where he could have some leeway.

It wasn't that he hadn't thought about marriage at all.

Rather, I learned that he couldn't easily say “I want to get married” precisely because he had been thinking about it.

That was when I first thought,

“Maybe he didn't not want to get married, but was hesitant because he was thinking about it seriously.”

Knowing the reason why his answer was slow, I thought I would try talking to him directly one more time.

However, I don't think you should always wait if the other person has circumstances.

Anxiety about work.

Anxiety about money.

Lack of confidence.

Even if you can hear those reasons and understand them, whether you can accept those conditions is another story.

Just because there is a reason doesn't mean you have to wait for years.

Respecting the other person's circumstances and continuing to put off your own wishes are not the same thing.

What is important was to think about what I wanted to do after knowing the other person's reasons.

I didn't think about reconciliation just because he contacted me.

We met in person, triggered by the email.

I heard again from him that it wasn't that he hadn't thought about marriage, his desire to work hard, his anxiety about savings and income, that he didn't want to treat the responsibility of marriage lightly, and that he wanted to get married after he had some leeway.

I also conveyed my feelings.

Why I decided to break up without asking for the reason.

What was scary about waiting two years.

That I felt anxious about time just passing without the future being decided.

And that if we were to reconcile, I wanted to date with the intention of marriage.

While talking together, we confirmed how to bridge the gap in marriage timing, not to end important conversations after just one time, not to reach conclusions based only on emotions when opinions differ, and not to leave the future vague.

I didn't think about reconciliation just because he contacted me.

It wasn't because he said “I want to go back.”

It was because he put his own anxieties and hesitations into words and tried to discuss our future together.

I think what I wanted wasn't just the words “I want to reconcile,” but an attitude of discussing our future together.

“About a year and a half later” was decided by adjusting our lives together

When we reconciled, we confirmed that we would date with the intention of marriage, and decided to get married in about a year and a half.

However, we didn't just decide on a date, saying “Let's get married in a year and a half.”

At the time, we were in a long-distance relationship.

To get married, one of us had to move, and we had to combine the lives we had been living separately.

Because we had been living separately until then, we had two of everything, including furniture and appliances.

What to keep and what to let go of.

When to start organizing our belongings and how to transport them.

I had work that I had to hand over before I could resign.

He also had plans to change jobs, and we needed to consider the timing of moving and greeting our parents while looking at when his work would settle down after changing jobs.

When we talked, there were more things to think about before marriage than I had imagined.

When to greet each other's parents.

When I would quit my job.

Around when would his work settle down?

When would we end the long-distance relationship and start living together?

How to organize our belongings, furniture, and appliances.

As a result of talking about each of those things, the guideline of about a year and a half was decided.

The words “Let's get married someday” gradually changed into a realistic plan.

Even so, not everything went according to plan.

My moving timing and his work timing didn't match, so I couldn't start living with him immediately after I resigned.

There was a period when I returned to my parents' home and lived there.

When the schedule shifted, I would sometimes feel anxious,

“Is it really okay to proceed like this?”

However, instead of deciding “Maybe he lost the desire to get married” just because things went off the plan we first made, we made sure to talk about why the schedule changed and how to proceed after that.

The reason I was able to feel relieved little by little wasn't because everything went according to plan.

It was because even when the schedule changed, we were able to confirm the situation together and think about the next action.

When looking at the other person,

separate “answers, reasons, and actions”

From this experience, I came to think about the other person's words by dividing them into three parts: answers, reasons, and actions.



🌷AnswersWhat did the other person actually say?

“I'm thinking about marriage in two years.”
“I can't get married right now.”

“I want to think about it after work settles down.”

“I want you to wait a little longer.”

First, confirm the words the other person actually said without mixing them with your own expectations or interpretations.

🌷Reasons

Why is that the answer?

Because work is unstable.

Because there is anxiety about savings.

Because there is no confidence in married life.

Because it's scary to repeat the same problems as last time.

Because feelings haven't been sorted out yet.

By asking for the reason, what the other person is thinking becomes a little more concrete.

However, even if you can be convinced after hearing the reason, you don't necessarily have to wait.

You need to think about the other person's reason and whether you can accept that situation separately.

🌷Actions

How are those answers and reasons changing into actions?

In our case, there were actions like:

Aiming for about a year and a half later.

Thinking about the timing of greeting parents.

Proceeding with moving and organizing belongings.

Adjusting the timing of resignation and work.

Talking about when to start living together.

Re-planning after the schedule changed.

The actions referred to here are not just about following the plan perfectly.

There are things that don't go according to plan just by the power of the two of you, such as work, family, and where you live.

What is important is, when the schedule changes,

can they explain why it changed?

do they not leave it vague?

can they talk about how to proceed after that?

can you re-plan together?

That is the part.

Just because things didn't go according to words doesn't necessarily mean the other person's feelings are gone.

On the other hand, if words about having circumstances continue and nothing becomes concrete, you need to see if you are in a state where only you are continuing to wait.

Even after marriage, there were times when our answers were different

Even after we got married, our opinions didn't always match.

There was also a big gap regarding the timing of starting fertility treatment.

At the beginning of our marriage, we talked about,

“Let's cherish our time as a couple for a while.”

However, as I turned 27 and saw friends' pregnancies and births, I started to worry about the time until pregnancy and birth.

I started to think,

“I want to start fertility treatment soon.”

On the other hand, my husband still wanted to cherish our time as a couple.

When my husband said to me during our discussion,

“We decided together to cherish our time as a couple, didn't we?”

I became strongly emotional.

I think for my husband, it meant he wanted to cherish what we had decided together before.

But I took it as,

“He doesn't understand that my feelings have changed.”

“He doesn't understand my anxiety about pregnancy and birth.”

My husband was looking at the promise we made together.

I was looking at the anxiety of time passing.

Even though we were having the same conversation, what we were looking at was different.

At first, it looked like “me who wants to start right away” and “husband who doesn't want to start yet” were in conflict.

However, while discussing it about 10 times, we realized that we were afraid of different things.

I was afraid of the time until pregnancy and birth passing by.

My husband was afraid of starting child-rearing without leeway in savings and life.

It wasn't that only one of us was thinking about the future.

It wasn't that what we were hoping for was completely opposite.

Because each of us was looking at different anxieties, the superficial answers were different.

While repeating discussions, my husband learned that starting fertility treatment doesn't necessarily mean getting pregnant immediately, and that there aren't always the same opportunities every month.

I also understood that my husband didn't not want children, but wanted to start child-rearing in a state where he had increased his savings a little more and had economic leeway.

We were the type to easily become silent or emotional when we were tired or sleepy.

Therefore, we became conscious of not forcing ourselves to talk on days when we were tired from returning from work, not trying to reach a conclusion when we were sleepy, stopping once when emotions became strong, and deciding on a day to talk again.

I think not trying to decide everything in one discussion was also necessary for us.

After that, we decided to record the menstrual cycle, share the timing, for my husband to also cooperate, to tell each other in advance when it's inconvenient, and not to blame each other in months when we couldn't have timing.

Not to be in a state where only one person is trying hard.

However, to try not to make asking for cooperation too much of a strong pressure on the other person.

We searched for that balance together.

From this experience, I came to think that a relationship where you can discuss things is not a relationship where opinions match from the beginning.

It is a relationship where, when opinions differ, you don't judge by looking only at the other person's conclusion,

but can continue to confirm,

“Why do you think that?”

“What are you feeling anxious about?”

7 questions to sort out before reconciliation

From here on, these are 7 questions to sort out within yourself when considering reconciliation.

Please try using them not to find the correct answer, but to know what you desire and what you haven't been able to confirm.

1. Why do I want to reconcile with him?

Don't end it with just “because I love him,” but try to think about your current feelings by dividing them.

Because I love him himself.

Because I have loneliness from being alone.

Because I regret how we broke up.

Because I want to regain the sense of security I had when we were together.

Because I want to spend the future together too.

It's fine if multiple reasons are mixed.

First, write out the feelings inside you just as they are.

2. Am I satisfied if we can reconcile, or do I desire the future beyond that?

Do you want to contact each other again?

Do you want to return to being lovers?

Do you want to become a relationship where you can think about marriage and the future together?

Think about reconciling and the relationship you desire after reconciliation separately.

3. What kind of relationship do you want to build after reconciliation?

Think concretely not only about marriage but also about your daily relationship.

Frequency of contact.

Frequency of meeting.

Period of continuing long-distance.

Where to live.

Way of thinking about work and money.

How to discuss when opinions differ.

Try writing out not just “I want to get along,” but what kind of state would make you feel secure.

4. What is it that would be a problem if it were the same as last time?

Don't end the cause of the breakup with just words like,

“Our values were different,”

“Our personalities didn't match,”

but look back to the actual scenes.

He avoided talking about the future.

I endured without being able to say my dissatisfaction.

I became anxious every time contact decreased.

After we fought, we couldn't discuss it.

Only one of us was adjusting the schedule and distance.

Make what would be a problem if it remained the same after reconciliation as concrete as possible.

5. What have you heard from the other person as a fact?

Separate what the other person actually said from your own expectations and interpretations.

It is a fact that you were told, “I can't think about marriage right now.”

But,

“He must not want to marry me,”

“Maybe he has someone else he likes,”

those parts are your own interpretation if you haven't confirmed them.

Sort out whether facts and imagination are mixed.

6. What have you not yet confirmed the reason for with the other person?

When you were told,

“It's impossible right now,”

“After work settles down,”

“I want you to wait a little longer,”

“I don't know,”

how far have you been able to hear the background?

Think about whether you have been able to confirm what is necessary for you to judge, without forcing the other person to talk about things they don't want to talk about.
7. How long can I accept a state where discussion is not established?


Thinking about a deadline is not to rush the other person.

It is to protect your own time and life.

The period to wait for contact.

The period until you can talk about the future.

The period to watch over words changing into actions.

The time to review when the same state continues.
Respecting the other person's circumstances and continuing to put off your own wishes are not the same thing.

Is reconciliation the goal, or can you build a relationship where you can discuss things?

Should you reconcile, should you wait, or should you leave?

I cannot decide that correct answer.

I also cannot conclude the other person's true feelings or the possibility of reconciliation.

This note is also not for judging whether he is the right marriage partner.

But you can think about the feeling of wanting to go back to him and the future you desire after going back separately.

Listen not only to the other person's answer but also to the reason for it.

After hearing the reason, watch to see if those words change into actions.

When things don't go according to plan, confirm why it changed and what to do after that.

And think about not only the other person's circumstances but also how long you can wait.

Not just whether you can reconcile, but can you build a relationship where you can continue to discuss your future together even when opinions differ?

I want to cherish that point.

Among these 7, which one did you feel you wanted to sort out the most right now?🍀

・Cause of the breakup
・Relationship desired after reconciliation
・Things I want to confirm with the other person
・The other person's words and actions
・The deadline I can wait

If you could give me a like or your impressions within the range you can write, I would like to use it as a reference for the sorting notebook I will summarize in the future✨✨

Furthermore,
for those who, before discussing the future, feel strong anxiety about being left on read or having messages ignored, and want to organize their feelings and situation before reaching out, we have also prepared a "Reconciliation LINE Blueprint."
This is not a guarantee of a reply or reconciliation, but a workbook designed to help you reflect on the purpose of sending a LINE message and your last exchange, so you can decide whether to "send or wait."