I want to get back together. But I don't want to return to a relationship where we can't get married. The reason I started 'sharing to organize our future'

Nice to meet you.₊˚⊹♡
I'm Mirai.₊˚⊹♡

I currently share content for women who are thinking,

I want to get back together. But I don't want to return to a relationship where we can't get married.
I myself once broke up with my long-distance boyfriend, then got back together and married him.

We have now been married for 18 years.

However, just because we got back together didn't mean all my anxieties disappeared.

That's why I don't try to guess his true feelings or the likelihood of reconciliation, but rather focus on:

What kind of future do I want?

What do I want to confirm with my partner?

Is this a relationship where we can talk about our future together?

I share content to help organize, one by one, the things that cannot be decided by feelings of love alone.

In this article, I would like to write about why I started sharing on this theme.

In our fourth year of long-distance dating,
I asked him about our future.

At the time, we were in a long-distance relationship.

By our fourth year together, I was feeling anxious about continuing to live apart forever.

One day, I asked him.

"What are your thoughts on our future?"

He replied that he was busy with work and couldn't think about it right away.

I took those words to mean,

"He isn't thinking about marrying me."

If the long-distance relationship was going to continue and he couldn't think about marriage, I couldn't keep dating him.

Thinking that, I unilaterally broke up with him.

I still had feelings for him.

Even so, I was afraid of waiting without knowing when we could get married.

I was torn between the desire to wait for the person I loved and the desire not to leave my own life ambiguous.

I was only looking at his answer.

Looking back now, I barely asked about the context behind his words.

Why couldn't he think about it right now?
What was worrying him about his work?
Did he not want marriage itself?
Or was he just unable to make a light promise right away?

Without confirming that far, I concluded that

being unable to answer with a timeframe
equals
not thinking about a future with me.

I reached that conclusion.

At the time, he was in a job where he couldn't be contacted for certain periods during training and had regular transfers.

Furthermore, as I learned later, it was a time when he was also thinking about changing jobs.

Inside him, there were many hesitations:

Should I continue my current job?
Should I change jobs?
Can I bear the responsibility of having a family?
How should I balance the time to work hard and the time to get married?

He had various doubts.

On my part, I was prepared to quit my job as a nurse and go to where he was if we were to get married.

I thought that as a nurse, I could find a way to work even if I moved.

However, before we broke up, we hadn't even talked enough about how much each of us intended to change our lives.

Without putting my own resolve or his circumstances into words, I decided our future based on a short reply.

After we broke up, he contacted me.

After we broke up, he contacted me saying, "I want to talk again."

But I couldn't go back easily.

If we got back together, wouldn't the talk about the future become ambiguous again?
Wouldn't I be worrying about the same things?

That's what I was thinking.

After that, we actually met and talked.

He told me:

Why he couldn't answer 'marriage' right away.
What he was thinking about work and changing jobs.
What kind of responsibility he felt about having a family.
What he was thinking about our future.

It was only then that I learned he hadn't been ignoring our future.

It was precisely because he was thinking about everything, including work, changing jobs, and the responsibility of having a family, that he was in a state where he couldn't give an easy answer.

I realized that I had judged his feelings without hearing his circumstances.

And I felt his sincerity in his attitude of not making empty promises and honestly telling me what he had been thinking.

We shared our hopes and anxieties with each other.

There were parts where our ways of thinking differed.

Even so, instead of just conforming to one person's wishes, we discussed how we could reach a form that both of us could accept, and we got back together with the premise of marriage.

Even after getting back together, not all of my anxieties disappeared.

Even after we got back together with the premise of marriage, I felt a different kind of anxiety.

“Did he really think about marriage of his own free will?”

“Did I just pressure him into marriage because we broke up?”

If we get back together, I'll feel secure.
If I get the promise of marriage, I won't be lost anymore.

At the time, I might have thought that somewhere deep down.

But in reality, even after the relationship returned, differences in feelings and values still emerged.

That is why what I needed was not to get the answer I wanted just once.

It was to build a relationship where we could talk things over as many times as needed whenever differences arose.

Even after marriage, our life timing was out of sync many times

After getting back together, we got married.

We have been married for 18 years to this day.

Even after we married, we didn't agree on everything.

The biggest issue was the gap in when to start trying for a baby.

When we first married, we talked about cherishing our time as a couple for a while.

Four years passed, and I started to become conscious of the timing for pregnancy and childbirth.

Meanwhile, my husband still wanted to spend time just the two of us.

I felt a huge difference in temperature regarding that statement.

“Maybe he isn't thinking about children as seriously as I am.”

That was how I interpreted it at the time.

However, as we continued to talk, I realized that it wasn't that my husband had decided he didn't want children.

He had little knowledge about pregnancy and fertility, and he hadn't yet been able to concretely imagine a life with children.

So, instead of trying to reach a conclusion immediately, we started by learning about pregnancy and fertility together.

As we kept talking, I gradually put into words what my husband was confused about and why I was in a hurry.

From this experience, I learned again the importance of confirming the background of our differences instead of judging the other person's feelings based on a single answer.

What is needed when opinions differ is not to persuade the other person and immediately reach the same answer.

It was about confirming why they think that way and whether we could continue to think about it together.

I visited a gynecologist and experienced timed intercourse and treatment using medication.

However, I am not an expert in the field of gynecology.

In this content, I do not make individual judgments about pregnancy possibilities or treatment methods.

What I want to convey is not a medical correct answer, and of course, I don't think that trying for a baby is everything.

It is the experience of how I organized my own feelings and talked with my partner when our thoughts on an important period of life differed.

Thoughts after 18 years of marriage

Now, I think again that the fact that opinions differ is not the problem itself.

Timing of marriage.
Work.
Where to live.
Children.
Family.

If you live together, differences in thinking will emerge in various situations.

What is important is not having the same answer from the beginning.

Can you listen to the other person until the end?
Can you talk honestly about your own circumstances and feelings?
Even if opinions differ, can you try to think about it together?
Even if you can't reach an answer immediately, can you decide when to talk next?
Can you value your own wishes as well as the other person's?

I feel that continuing to make these adjustments is one of the reasons why our marriage has lasted.

I like to organize complex things.

I have worked as a nurse for 15 years, mainly in the operating room.

In the operating room, you need to organize a lot of information in a short time and think about what is needed next.

I have organized procedures, role assignments, precautions, and surgical flows into manuals and lists.

I have even had colleagues and newcomers ask for the manuals I created.

Through this experience, I realized that I am good at:

Organizing complex information into questions, procedures, lists, and checklists.

There is no fixed correct answer in love or marital relationships like there is in surgery.

Even so, you can organize:

🌷 What do I want?

🌷 What can be confirmed as a fact?
🌷 What am I supplementing with my own imagination?
🌷 What do I want to confirm with the other person?
🌷 How long can I wait?
🌷 What kind of relationship do I want to continue?
I will use my own experience and the organizational skills I cultivated as a nurse to put into words things that are difficult to decide based on emotion alone.

What I will cover in this content

On this account, I will not make definitive statements like:

“If you send this LINE, you will get a reply.”
“If you wait X days, you can get back together.”
“He hasn't really forgotten you.”

This is because it is impossible to accurately guess the other person's true feelings or the possibility of reconciliation from the outside.

Instead, I will mainly share three things:

🌷 Organizing the future you desire.

🌷 Separating the facts you know about the other person from your own imagination.
🌷 Thinking about whether you have a relationship where you can discuss your future together.

Including my own failures and realizations, I will organize and share them in questions, judgment criteria, and checklists.

Getting back together was not the goal

I broke up without talking things through enough.

And I got back together by talking.

Even after we married, I struggled with differences in opinion many times, and each time we adjusted our feelings.

Because I have this experience, I think this now:

It is important to look at whether they are a person you can think about the future with together, rather than whether they will say the answer you want.
I want to get back together.

But I don't want to return to a love where we can't get married.
I want to cherish my feelings of love.

But I don't want to leave my own hopes and time ambiguous.
I want to make this a place for such women to organize their feelings and think about choices they can be satisfied with.

I would be happy if this could be an opportunity for you to organize your own feelings and future. ✧˖°