[HSP x International Dating] What the first “rejection” I mustered the courage to say taught me.

One weekend afternoon, my partner and I were enjoying some shopping. Then, he got a message from a friend. After checking his phone, he looked at me and said this.

“Sam’s birthday party is tonight, so let’s go to the pub together!”

In an instant, I felt my body stiffen with tension. A birthday party for a friend of his I’d only met once. A crowd of strangers, an unfamiliar pub culture. The invitation was packed with culture that HSPs (highly sensitive people) find difficult.

Even so, usually I would have just given a half-smile and replied immediately with an “Okay.” But today was different—.

The conclusion of the brain meeting

During those few seconds of silence, the cells in my brain began a meeting all at once.

The 'Should' cell: 'It’s impossible not to accompany him to Sam’s once-a-year birthday party! As his girlfriend, you should go!'
The 'Negative' cell: 'If you don’t go, he’ll think you’re unreasonable!'
The 'Fatigue' cell: 'But I don’t want to go. I can’t try any harder today...'

Seeing me standing there like a frozen robot, his smile gradually turned into a look of concern. At the same time, I remembered a video by that YouTuber I’d seen just recently.

I forced my brain meeting to end and mustered the courage to reply.

“I’m tired today, so I’m going home!!”

I got carried away and ended up using a louder voice than I intended (lol), which was super embarrassing. Being able to remember that like it was yesterday is also a special ability of HSPs!!

A moment that felt like an eternity, and then

Hearing a response he probably hadn’t imagined, there was a slight pause before he replied. Was he angry? Was he sad? The time I spent waiting for his next words felt so, so long. And then he said this:

“Okay! I’ll call you when I get home.”

Huh?? Is that how it is??? He accepted it that easily??? While I was left feeling deflated, he continued:

“Of course I’d be happy if you came with me, but I was just expressing my own wish. So if you don’t want to go, I respect that.”

When I heard those words, I felt like my field of vision had suddenly opened up.

“I-is this what they call ‘assertive communication’...!”

Assertive Communication

His words contained both his own feelings of wanting me to come along and his desire to respect my decision. I remembered the term “assertive communication,” which I had read about in the interpersonal psychology books I’d been devouring around that time.

Assertive communication = communication where you exchange opinions while respecting each other

The word “assertive” has the meaning of “self-assertion.” While self-assertion can sound a bit aggressive, it has a stronger meaning of not just unilaterally conveying your own claims, but saying what you want to say while respecting the other person’s position and thoughts. It is said that once you master assertive communication, you can

exchange opinions without making the other person uncomfortable and without feeling stressed yourself. In international relationships, because there are various differences in language and culture as a premise, there are many moments where

the “equal relationship” is prone to collapsing. Also, depending on where you live, I often hear that you have no choice but to rely on your partner just to go about your daily life. So, I think this communication method is truly one of the skills necessary for international dating.

I’m fine just as I am

After parting ways with him and heading toward his house alone, I found myself skipping without even realizing it. Before getting home, I stopped by my favorite conveyor-belt sushi restaurant, ate as much as I wanted, and after getting home, I lounged around watching Netflix... While doing all that, I got a call from him, tipsy after returning home. He told me about how the members of his Japanese language school gathered and everyone sang Happy Birthday to Sam, and how the pub manager went out of his way to buy a cake from a nearby shop... I was able to listen to his excited, never-ending story

with a positive mindset. And perhaps because I was listening to his story with such keen interest, he seemed very happy too. The version of me that used to force myself to accommodate him. The version of me that used to fake a smile during conversations I didn’t find fun. I’m sure he noticed that version of me. But today’s conversation made me realize. That who he fell in love with was

not “the version of me playing the ideal girlfriend,” but “the real me.”

Conclusion

On the way home that day, after parting with him and walking alone. Far from being crushed by guilt, my heart felt so light I wanted to skip, because I had gained the peace of mind that “it’s okay to say no.”

In international dating, HSPs tend to easily feel the pressure that “I have to accommodate the other person.” But once you learn to treat yourself with care, strangely enough, the conversations with him also changed into something much more enjoyable. Without forcing myself, but with sincerity. The things I let go of and the new things I started in order to remain “two equals.” If you are currently feeling the same way, I introduce methods for getting along with yourself without forcing it on my blog, so please take a look.