A university student who took a leave of absence during job hunting because they 'could no longer tell the difference between their own thoughts and those of others, and whether what they were thinking was truly coming from themselves'

Are you familiar with the music work titled "How uncool it is to be cool"? You don't know it? I'll post the Spotify link here.
Well, the music itself is unrelated, but being cool is, in fact, uncool.
As the saying goes, "I think of this world as my own, like a full moon that lacks nothing," it's "The Rise and Fall of the Great Powers"! Everyone experiences prosperity and decline. Popularity-based businesses have their ups and downs, after all. I think people who know what it's like to lose are strong. People who can stand up again even after losing are much stronger. It's called resilience. Toughness. Toughness.
Just like laughter at the end of sorrow or love on the other side of hatred, this interview (personally) became one where I reflected on the hope held by those who have known resignation. Still, job hunting is really tough, isn't it? Scary.
"How uncool it is to be cool." Rather than the sparkle of this very moment, perhaps a sustained, certain stride of constantly moving forward is cooler.
With that said, please enjoy this edition of the Unknown Person Interview!!

Our guest this time is toki!

Current status: Whether what I am thinking right now is truly coming from myself

qbc: What are you currently doing?

toki: I'm currently a fourth-year university student, and I'm in a state where I'm about to take a half-year leave of absence starting this spring. I'm preparing for things like writing my graduation thesis, looking for work during my leave, and a program where I'll go to a rural area for a month starting next month to experience country life and do an internship.

qbc: I see. If I may ask, what is the purpose of this leave of absence?

toki: It's a leave of absence to think about my future. If I take half a year off, I'm scheduled to graduate next September. As of now.
To put it in one word, I want to redo my job hunting. I was doing job hunting normally until this past March, but I wondered if it was really okay to continue like this, so I decided to take a leave of absence, try various things, think about it, and then do job hunting again. That's how I ended up taking the leave.

qbc: How long were you job hunting?

toki: I had been job hunting since June of last year, so about 10 months.

qbc: Wait, did it start that early?

toki: It seems job hunting starts early these days (laughs).

qbc: What was it about job hunting that you didn't like?

toki: For one thing, I had always been aiming for venture companies, but I wondered if that choice was really the right one. For example, there are various options like large corporations, foreign-owned companies, or civil service, but I didn't compare and consider those options before deciding on venture companies; I just vaguely thought from the beginning that venture companies were good.
I felt regret that perhaps I had just convinced myself that venture companies were good because it was too much trouble to consider other options.

qbc: Yes.

toki: And another reason I wanted to redo it was that I had many opportunities to talk to various interviewers and working professionals during job hunting, and as I talked to many people, I lost the boundary between other people's thoughts and my own, and I couldn't tell if what I was thinking right now was truly coming from myself or if I was thinking it because someone else had said it, and that was another reason why I couldn't see what I wanted to do.

qbc: How did those around you react to that decision?

toki: They were a little surprised, of course. However, I think many people reacted positively, saying that if I was able to decide for myself, then that's good.

qbc: Did the reactions differ between your family and friends?

toki: My family was like, "That's fine." It was quite casual, or rather, they said they thought I should do as I pleased.

qbc: It's like, 'I'll be home late today,' and they're like, 'That's fine' (laughs).

toki: That's right (laughs). When I said, 'I think I'm going to extend my time as a student,' they were like, 'Well, that's fine, isn't it?'
For friends I'm not that close with—the kind where we don't really go out to eat together—they were quite surprised and said, 'Oh, really?' But the friends I'm usually close with were the ones who said, 'If that's what you've decided, I'll support you.'

qbc: Why do you think the people who know you best were the most supportive?

toki: The people who know me well knew that I was quite lost during the job hunting process and they watched over me during that time, so I think their reaction was more like, 'I'm glad you were finally able to decide on a path for yourself.'

qbc: What kind of big decisions have you made in the past?

toki: In terms of big decisions, deciding to apply to an art university as my first choice was probably the biggest one.
I didn't get in, so now I'm attending a regular comprehensive university.

qbc: What did you want to do at the art university?

toki: I wanted to study music. Not performance, but things like using music for town revitalization—I think it's called arts management—there was a department where I could study that, so I was planning to go there.

qbc: Do you still have that interest now?

toki: Not really anymore. My current thinking is to keep music as a hobby.

qbc: Are you the type to make big decisions quite easily?

toki: When it comes to big decisions, I often don't really think of them as big decisions at the time I'm making them. I'm actually quite indecisive in my daily life.
So, even for really trivial things, I'm the type who can't decide without consulting someone,but for decisions that others might call 'big,' I feel like they just naturally fall into place for me—not necessarily because they were inevitable, but more like, 'This is how it is.'

qbc: I see. That's interesting. How are you spending your days now? Gathering information?

toki: I go for walks, read literature for my graduation thesis, and I've been thinking about starting a blog. I have a lot of small things I want to try, so I'm thinking of giving those a go. It's like I'm doing a little bit of this and that.

qbc: If you had to give this half-year a name, what would you call it?

toki: I hope it becomes a period where the direction I want to go becomes clear and I can gain some insights.

qbc: Is there anything you feel you need to clear up in order to achieve that?

toki: To achieve that, hmm, it might be a little different from 'clearing things up,'
but I want to broaden the world as I see it, so for that, I hope to experience as many things as possible in this half-year that I've never done before, or things I've wanted to try but for some reason haven't.

qbc: Specifically?

toki: For example, living in the countryside. I've been wanting to try living in nature.

qbc: Have you always lived in Tokyo?

toki: Oh, yes. I've always lived in Tokyo, but I've always thought I wanted to do that someday. However, I felt like I never had the right timing to do it.

qbc: Well, I think it's quite impressive that you were able to actually carry out living in the countryside as a university student. Did you think you wanted to do it right away when you were a student?

toki: I had thought it would be nice to go to the countryside in the future, and I thought I'd do it someday, but then I wondered when that 'someday' would actually come. When I suddenly thought about it, I realized that if I tried to do it while having a job in the future, I wouldn't be able to move around easily. At that moment, I thought that doing it now as a student would have the fewest disadvantages, so I thought now might be the best time.

Past: There are definitely things I think I really messed up on.

qbc: What kind of child were you when you were little?

toki: When I was a child, I was basically a show-off and hated losing.

qbc: What kind of competitions did you win?

toki: In school plays, I absolutely wanted to play the lead. We had three opportunities to perform plays over the six years, and I volunteered for the lead role every time and won the auditions.

qbc: What was your personality like?

toki: I was cheerful. I wasn't shy at all, and I would raise my hand constantly during class; I was the kind of kid who just wanted to be called on.

qbc: What kind of games did you like to play?

toki: As for games, I liked playing tag outside with everyone, and since I was an only child, when I was at home, I would play by moving dolls around or doing other things I could do by myself. Like crafts.

qbc: Did you prefer playing outside or playing at home?

toki: I think I liked both. Oh, but I think I played outside more often.

qbc: What kind of outdoor games?

toki: I only have memories of playing tag. I only ever played tag and rode my unicycle.

qbc: Did you have many friends, or were there few?

toki: When I was in elementary school, I'm not sure if I had many, but I felt like I treated everyone equally.

qbc: Did you have any worries when you were a child?

toki: There's a section for daily life on our report cards, with ratings like 'Good,' 'Very Good,' and 'Excellent.' For everything else, I got 'Excellent,' but for the 'Can get along with friends' section, I only got 'Good.' I remember my teacher actually called my parents about that.
I don't really remember how I felt about it, but I do remember thinking that perhaps my headstrong behavior might have been affecting others.

qbc: How old were you then?

toki: I was either in second or fifth grade of elementary school.

qbc: So, your homeroom teacher called your parents, right?

toki: Yes, they called my parents, and the fact that my parents told me about it is what really sticks in my memory. It was either second or fifth grade, I've forgotten which. I've kind of forgotten.

qbc: I feel like the difference between second and fifth grade is pretty big, but the fact that you've forgotten it means you didn't really care about it (laughs)?

toki: Maybe the me back then didn't really care.

qbc: How about now?

toki: Now, when I look back at how I behaved in elementary school, I wonder why I did those things. Like in first grade, I hid a friend's backpack to surprise them and they ended up crying. I wanted to play a prank, so I left a friend I usually played with behind, acting like I wouldn't play with them that day, and when I went back to say 'Just kidding,' they were crying while reading a picture book.

I definitely have moments where I think I really messed up.

qbc: You didn't have any malicious intent, but why do you think things turned out that way? Do you like doing things like that?

toki: I don't think I really thought deeply about how other people would feel at the time.

qbc: Is it different now?

toki: That's right. Now, on the contrary, I've become someone who thinks about it a lot.
If it were me now, I'd realize that being the lead in the school play three times in a row would mean taking opportunities away from others. So I'd be able to think, 'I'll hold back this time,' but back then, I couldn't think about that at all. I didn't consider others.

qbc: Is that because you've learned to suppress your desire to be the lead? Or has the desire to be the lead disappeared?

toki: I think it's a big part of it that the desire to be the lead has disappeared. It gradually faded away starting around middle school.
My middle school was a public school, so kids from various elementary schools gathered there, and the kids from other schools were much more energetic. I was overwhelmed by that energy, and I gradually became quieter.

qbc: What were your club activities like in middle and high school?

toki: I was in the brass band the whole time. In middle school, it felt like I was going to school just for the club.

qbc: What are the things you enjoy doing, toki-san?

toki: In a broad sense, I often find it very fun when I'm creating something. For example, drawing pictures or making things, and I also include music in my definition of 'creating.' It's exciting to think about how I want to do things and then bring them closer to the ideal I have in mind.

qbc: What is the creation you've made so far that you feel you made the best, or that you're most proud of?

toki: For a school play in junior high, I made a milk carton costume. A big milk carton. There was a role for 'milk,' and I made the costume for it. The milk character only appears for about five minutes in the play, though.
However,I spent many times longer than that making the milk carton, and the kid who played the milk character and wore it got a huge laugh. I was so happy about that, so I think the milk carton is a creation I can't forget.

qbc: I see. What do you think was good about that?
Was it because you were satisfied with the quality of the work, or because the audience enjoyed it, or because you were happy to see the kid who played the role happy after receiving cheers from the audience?

toki: As for why I thought it was good,I think there's something truly beautiful about spending a lot of time and effort on something that only appears for a moment.That might have been the biggest factor.

qbc: Is the fact that the appearance time was short also a big factor? Would it have been different if it were the costume for the lead role?

toki: That's right. I don't think the audience would even know who made the milk costume, but I thought that was also a good thing.

qbc: I see. You were a show-off as a child, but you awakened to the instantaneous brilliance of a minor role that lasts about five minutes. Did something change significantly?

toki: In elementary school, I probably wouldn't have been satisfied with that at all, haha. I wonder what changed.
I feel that being the lead and gathering attention in elementary school and working behind the scenes as the milk in junior high are probably fundamentally connected; they are consistent in that attention is gathered on something I created.
It's just that when I became a junior high student, I learned that there is this way of shining too.

qbc: Oh, I see. Variations in how to stand out, huh.
Do you like enjoying things in the moment? Or do you like building things up continuously?

toki: I think I like building things up.
I suppose practicing an instrument is a form of building things up.

qbc: How about your university life?

toki: University life was fun, but I do have some regrets.
In high school, I was so focused on music that I even thought about going to an art university, and when I think about whether I had an experience in college like that time whereI could do what I was passionate about with all my might without thinking about anything else, I can't really think of one.
That is a bit of a lingering regret.

qbc: I see.

toki: To myself, I was working hard back then, but I still feel like it doesn't quite reach the level of that time in high school.

qbc: Why do you think that is?

toki: Well, somehow,somewhere in my heart, I started thinking about whether it would be useful, or what's the point of just playing an instrument when I'm not going to be a musician in the future, and things like that.

qbc: What is the thing that went best in your life so far?

toki: Probably the club retirement concert in high school.I had been practicing the instrument for a long time, and at that final concert, I felt like I had reached a kind of endpoint where I was finally able to perform in a way that I could be satisfied with myself.

qbc: How many points would you give your university life? Even though it's not over yet.

toki: About 60 points, I guess.

qbc: How many points for high school?

toki: High school, hmm. Maybe about 78 points.

qbc: Oh, so high school wasn't that high either. When was your peak?

toki: Let's see. My peak might have been when I was in elementary school.

qbc: So it didn't just keep getting more fun as you went along.

toki: That's right. In elementary school, I felt like I was giving everything my all and was completely absorbed in it. I think elementary school was probably the time when I was best at doing what I wanted to do without worrying about what others thought.

qbc: How do you spend your days off?

toki: On my days off—well, lately every day is like a day off—I usually wake up in the morning, go for a walk, and eat. I don't really have much to do other than maybe going for a walk.
Other than that, it changes depending on the day.

qbc: What do other people say you are like?

toki: People often say that I seem calm but actually have a core, or that I'm surprisingly strong-willed and have a competitive side.

Mirai: Working while feeling a sense of purpose, I think that's really cool.

qbc: Let me ask you about the future. What kind of image do you have for your future—five years from now, twenty years from now, or even when you're on your deathbed—how do you want to be perceived?

toki: For the future, I hope I'm working happily.

qbc: So you are working.

toki: Yes, I hope I'm working.

qbc: What does 'happily' mean to you?

toki: It's not about 'fun' or 'enjoyment' in that sense, but more about 'fulfillment.' I think there will be painful and difficult times, but I feel like it's fun including all of that. I can't explain it well, though.

qbc: You're still a student, right? Where do you get that image of working from?

toki: I think the reason I have an image of working, or rather, the reason that image changed, is because of my internship. Before that, I often heard my mother complaining about her job, so I wondered if working was even fun. But when I went to the internship, the people working there seemed so lively and happy.

They were working with a sense of mission and purpose, and I thought that was really cool. I learned that it's possible to work like that.

qbc: Why didn't you want to join that company directly?

toki: Things were just too disorganized. It was a startup, so it was a fairly young company, but for example, regarding the training system—it's not that I wanted a lot of training, but I felt like, 'Isn't this just dumping all the work on me?' There were a lot of things that bothered me. The business itself was great, but that part really weighed on me, so I decided not to join as a new graduate.

qbc: I see.

toki: When I had interviews at startups and venture companies, they would tell me that since they are young companies, I have to go out and get work for myself. That made me start thinking about whether that's the kind of work style I want.

qbc: Do you want to make work the center of your life?

toki: That's right.

qbc: Why did you choose that company for your internship in the first place?

toki: It was partly the business content, but I had originally wanted to try working as a designer. At first, I didn't care what I did as long as I could do design work, but the first company I applied to happened to have good-looking business content, so I thought, maybe I'll go with this one.

qbc: You want to do design?

toki: I thought so at the time. When I first applied, I didn't get any replies from any companies, so I spent about half a year building my portfolio, and that's how I finally got it.

qbc: What about the further future? Like 20 or 30 years from now?

toki: 20 or 30 years from now, hmm, I hope I have a family.

qbc: Is there anything you want to fulfill most right now?

toki: It's not exactly courage, but I want to fulfill that feeling of believing in myself and moving forward, like I'm going to carve out my own future.

qbc: I see. When you mentioned earlier that you couldn't tell the difference between yourself and others, when was the moment you felt that most strongly?

toki: When I applied to a company where new graduates are responsible for launching new businesses, the selection process went quite far. When I got to about the third round, I started wondering why I wanted to create a new business in the first place. When preparing for the interview, I would work backward with an agent, thinking about things like, "What kind of skills do you think are necessary for this?" and they'd say, "Well, it would be good to have marketing skills," and I'd say, "Yes, that's right," and then I'd find myself thinking, "I'm going to do marketing."
Then, when I suddenly realized it, I wondered why I said I wanted to do a new business, or if I had ever actually wanted to do marketing. It was moments like that. I wondered if this was really what I wanted to do.

qbc: If it came down to being a company employee or a freelancer, which would you choose?

toki: I want to be a company employee.
Rather than being a freelancer or a company employee, I think it sounds fun to create something together with everyone, so in that sense, I think being a company employee is closer to what I imagine.

qbc: Then, what are you looking forward to most right now?

toki: Well, I'm going to the countryside for a month next month, and while I'm anxious about it, I'm also looking forward to it.

qbc: If someone had told you, "No, please graduate as planned," what would you have done?

toki: Even if they told me to graduate as planned, I might have gone to the countryside anyway. Even if I was told that, I think I would have taken a break from job hunting at least once.

qbc: Ah, I see. You still have a year until graduation even without taking a break, right?
Was the goal of going to the countryside simply to go to a rural area?

toki: That's right. The goal was just to go to a rural area.

qbc: What kind of internship is that? Agriculture?

toki: There's agriculture, too. It's a program where you can go to your preferred sector among primary, secondary, or tertiary industries, so there's also the option of working part-time at a roadside station.

qbc: Oh, I see. Interesting. So, does that mean there's a possibility of working there permanently?

toki: If I really like the region, I suppose that possibility isn't zero.

qbc: toki-san, what are you doing when you feel the happiest? I got the impression that you are someone who likes many different things.

toki: I feel happy when there is something I can be passionate about and I'm fully immersed in it.

qbc: I see. Have you been immersed in anything lately?

toki: Not really, not lately. The last time I felt like, 'Oh, I'm really into this,' was probably design. But since then, I haven't really experienced that feeling of being immersed in something.

qbc: So, are you going to go find something you can be passionate about from now on?

toki: Yes. I'm going to go find it.

qbc: You haven't found it yet. But there are cases where people go through life without ever finding something they can be passionate about, right?
Are you prepared for a life without such a passion?

toki: Yes. I am prepared for that.

qbc: You are.

toki: I think that, for example, even if I go to the countryside for a month, I might end up just thinking it was fun but not really understanding what it was all about. But if it ends that way, I think that's just how it is. That's how I'm trying to think about it now.
Once, the president of an internship company told me, 'There's no such thing as something you want to do. You'll never find it in your whole life.' I remember that very clearly, so if I really don't find anything, I'll just assume that something I like a little bit is what I want to do, and if I move forward even a little bit, maybe I'll encounter what I really want to do later. And if I don't, well, I'll just accept that that's how it is.

qbc: That is a challenge taken on by someone who knows how to give up. Thank you.
Lastly, if there is anything you left unsaid, please let me know.

toki: Anything left unsaid... I don't think so (laughs).

qbc: That's fine (laughs).
It seems like being a university student these days is tough. Working with agents to build strategies and deciding to go in a certain direction like that.

toki: When I'm doing it, it's incredibly painful, but looking back, I think I've learned a lot from it.

qbc: Thank you very much!

toki: Yes, thank you!

Afterword

I quietly uploaded this interview article, but in fact, toki is someone who is becoming a 'Namumeijin' (unknown person) interviewer.
I think it's amazing that a student would want to be an interviewer. After all, talking to strangers for 60 minutes without running away—including business owners, people suffering from mental health issues, and people who have had completely different experiences from oneself—is a unique experience that one doesn't necessarily have to go through, yet they chose to dive into it voluntarily. I think that's amazing.
I don't think I could have done it.
This was an interview with someone who possesses that kind of mysterious decisiveness. The power to make decisions is irreplaceable.
Still, job hunting, huh. I brought this topic up with an acquaintance, and they said, 'Well, of course, you worry about your first marriage, but you don't worry about the second.' Ah, that's true. If you've experienced changing jobs a few times, or if you've tried out a few different professions, you don't really need to worry that much, but if it's something you've never experienced before, well, you're going to worry, aren't you?
Well, for now, if they can find conviction within themselves, they will make their decision.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments section!

Interviewer: qbc

Editorial Cooperation: toki

#NamumeijinInterview #Interview #SelfIntroduction #UniversityStudent #JobHunting #LeaveOfAbsence

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