My thoughts are contradictory, but this is who I am. Person

Once upon a time, in a village in a valley, there lived a young man named Contradiction. Contradiction had a strange nature. In the morning, he would think, 'I want to climb the mountain,' but as soon as he started climbing, he would change his mind and think, 'I want to see the sea,' and as he began walking toward the sea, his feelings would change again to, 'Actually, the forest is better.'
The villagers could not understand Contradiction. They wondered, 'Why don't you finish one thing to the end?' and 'Why do your opinions change so much?' Contradiction himself was troubled by the conflicting thoughts within him and would sometimes blame himself, saying, 'Why am I so contradictory?'
One day, Contradiction visited an old sage named Harmony who lived on the outskirts of the village. 'My thoughts are always full of contradictions. Is this a flaw that I must fix?'
Harmony looked intently at Contradiction and answered slowly, 'Look at the river. The river winds, flowing fast at times and slowly at others. But that is the nature of a river. A perfectly straight river does not exist in the natural world.'
Harmony continued, 'The human heart is the same. Various thoughts intersect, and at times, they contradict each other. It becomes painful because you try to force them into one. Having contradictory thoughts in itself is by no means a bad thing.'
Contradiction was half-doubting, but he took Harmony's words to heart and returned to the village. From then on, he began to face the contradictions within himself. Wishing for peace while sometimes feeling anger, loving people while sometimes wanting to be alone, seeking change while desiring stability—he began to accept all these contradictory thoughts.
Strangely enough, once he accepted his own contradictions, Contradiction gradually became able to understand the feelings of the people around him as well. Instead of thinking, 'Why did that person say such a thing?', he became able to accept it, thinking, 'People's feelings are complex and sometimes contradictory.'
At a village meeting, when a discussion became deadlocked due to two opposing opinions, Contradiction stood up. 'Perhaps both opinions are correct. Our thoughts are contradictory, but couldn't we move forward while acknowledging that?'
The villagers listened to those words and began to find solutions while respecting each other's positions. Contradiction gradually came to be relied upon as the village mediator.
Later, Contradiction told his disciples, 'My thoughts are contradictory, but this is who I am—it took me a long time to reach that state of mind. Contradiction is the richness of humanity; it is not in perfection, but in that imperfection that our humanity lies.'
And so, the proverb 'Harmony embraces contradiction' spread from this village.
And they lived happily ever after.
That is the preface to the 1052nd Nameless Interview, written at 8:54 PM on April 14, 2025, by someone who thinks so!!!!!

[Preface: qbc / Yasuhiro Kuribayashi (Writer / Organizer of Nameless Interview)]

The person participating this time is Kanaya-san!

Age: Early 20s
Gender: Female
Occupation: University student

Current status: As something important in life, I want to cherish my heart and mental state.

qbc:
What do you do?

Kanaya:
I am currently a university student. Yes.

qbc:
What are you doing at university?

Kanaya:
Since I'm a fourth-year student and graduating, rather than university stuff, I'm mainly doing freelance video editing.

qbc:
What kind of video editing?

Kanaya:
Is it? Rather than an editor, I'm on the management side, so it's like I'm the person who looks at things edited by others for business-related videos.

qbc:
What are you doing with that, are you doing something with videos?

Kanaya:
University is really just, like, I'm in the Faculty of Economics at a private liberal arts university, which is completely unrelated, but it's like the video editing I started as a part-time job developed into a freelance career as a sole proprietor.

qbc:
Besides that, is there anything else you do? Outside of daily life activities like traveling somewhere, bathing, or eating.

Kanaya:
Outside of daily life, since I've already graduated, I go out to eat or drink with good friends.

qbc:
Does that mean you've finished graduating?

Kanaya:
Yes. That's right, just waiting for employment now.

qbc:
Since you've graduated, that means you're not affiliated with anywhere right now, right?

Kanaya:
That's right. I'm not affiliated with anything until April.

qbc:
How do you feel?

Kanaya:
Right now, I feel like I'm 100% anxious.

qbc:
What are you anxious about?

Kanaya:
I'm starting a job in the IT industry. About half of the people joining the same company have already been involved in IT, like having gone to university or graduate school for it. When I, someone with no experience, join, I wonder, whether I'll be able to perform well, and even when working as a freelancer, I've really come to realize that I'm not exactly the type who can get much work done on my own.

I have this feeling of, 'Will I be able to make it?' Also, my friends are currently within a 5 or 10-minute distance where I can meet them easily, but since I'll be living alone, I'll be far from that place, so I'm a bit anxious about losing the environment where I can meet friends casually.

qbc:
How strong is this anxiety?

Kanaya:
It's not like I get depressed all day thinking about it, but when I do think about it, I get this sinking feeling, so maybe a 7 or 8 out of 10.

qbc:
What would the situation be like if it were a 10 out of 10?

Kanaya:
Well, I guess it would be like being depressed and down about it all day long. I might become unable to move or end up crying a little, but it's not quite that bad yet.

qbc:
What do you find fun right now?

Kanaya:
What I find fun right now is, for example, going out for drinks with friends.

qbc:
When you go out for drinks, what parts of it do you find fun?

Kanaya:
Part of it is that I've always liked alcohol, and the friends I go out with are a fixed group. Since these are people I feel I can tell everything to, even my true feelings, without any issues, and since there are so few people I can speak honestly with in the first place, I think the fun of going out for drinks is that I get to experience both the sense of security in being able to speak my mind and the enjoyment of drinking.

qbc:
Do you have any hobbies?

Kanaya:
I don't really have any hobbies. I guess things I vaguely like are watching comedy, listening to music, or watching anime and reading manga.

qbc:
What is something you absolutely don't want to do, or something you avoid?

Kanaya:
Do you mean in my private life?
qbc:
Either in your private life or at work, anything is fine.

Kanaya:
Something I dislike... in terms of work, it's being forced to do things that anyone can do, like simple repetitive tasks. I'm definitely, or rather, quite bad at that. When I'm told to do it, I think, 'Why do I have to do this?' and I feel like I'm probably worse at doing that than other people.

qbc:
Is that what you dislike?

Kanaya:
Yeah.

qbc:
But what if the pay was three times the average salary?

Kanaya:
I'll try it and think about it, but I don't think I'll be able to keep it up.

qbc:
What if the pay was triple? Like, 8 hours a day of Excel data entry, with frequent breaks since it's repetitive work. It's not about finishing a task, but being time-bound, with triple the pay.

In that case, I might do it if I could make it 4 or 5 hours of actual work and use the other 3 hours for a side job.

qbc:
What if you were monitored on your desktop? What if you were being watched by a camera?

Kanaya:
Then I wouldn't do it. No way.

qbc:
Even for five times the pay?

Kanaya:
That's irrelevant.

qbc:
Not even for a limited time?

Kanaya:
Maybe if it were just for a month.

qbc:
I see. How did you come to realize that feeling?

Kanaya:
Oh, I wonder. As for what I value in life, I have this desire to cherish my own heart and mental well-being.I have this desire to cherish my own heart and mental well-being.

While doing repetitive work, I can clearly see myself falling into a negative loop, wondering why I'm doing this, if there's anything else I should be doing, or if this will be useful for my future. It's not good for my mental health, and even if I could earn money in a short time, I wouldn't be doing that job forever, and it's hard to say if that work would ever be useful.

The pay would probably go down, too. When I think about it that way, I wonder if it's better not to do it from the start.

qbc:
Was there an event that made you realize that sensitivity?

Kanaya:
When I took the university entrance exams, I spent a year as a ronin. While I was a ronin, I had many opportunities to face myself, and I think that's when I started to sense what makes me feel deeper distress.While I was a ronin, I had many opportunities to face myself, and I think that's when I started to sense what makes me feel deeper distress.

qbc:
Regarding your hobbies, what kind of works do you like?

Kanaya:
In terms of manga and anime, titles like 'Blue Period,' 'Left Hand Layla,' and 'Assassination Classroom.' I like seeing the famous quotes that are born while characters are struggling and giving their all for something.I like seeing the famous quotes that are born while characters are struggling and giving their all for something..

qbc:
What do people say about your personality?

Kanaya:
People I've been interacting with lately often say I'm 'pure' or something like that.

qbc:
What do you mean by 'pure'?

Kanaya:
I wonder, maybe it's that even when doing anything, I want to be sincere to the people I want to cherish, so I think about that, so maybe that's it.

I don't think this kind of thing is very good for me. That's because, perhaps, it's often just empty platitudes.

qbc:
Can you explain what you mean by empty platitudes?

Kanaya:
I don't know, like saying it's better not to speak ill of people behind their backs.

I'm saying it, and I totally think there are times when I say it myself, but recently, in my freelance work, I really hated that my boss was saying various things about me behind my back. I've been feeling strongly about that lately, so maybe that's why I'm speaking up more.

qbc:
What kind of personality do you think you have?

Kanaya:
What am I like? I'm twisted, I cherish the people I want to cherish, but I have no interest in those who aren't. I keep things superficial. I'm like a twisted person who has clear likes and dislikes.

qbc:
What kind of people are the ones you want to cherish?

Kanaya:
What kind of people? Hmm, people who like me to some extent, and what else,
people who have a fairly deep past, people who have been through a lot. I think I end up cherishing people who are good at putting things into words. Also, people who listen to me when I'm feeling down and give me the words I want to hear.

qbc:
Is there a side to your personality that is mentioned by people close to you, like family, partners, or best friends?

Kanaya:
They say I actually observe people quite well.

qbc:
When is that?

Kanaya:
When someone asks me, 'What do you think of this person?' and I tell them what I think, they say, 'I didn't realize you thought about things like that.'

qbc:
What do you do to blow off steam?

Kanaya:
To blow off steam, I just hole up at home alone and watch videos, or maybe go out for drinks with friends, that's about it.

qbc:
What is your favorite food? What is your favorite snack to have with drinks?

Kanaya:
As for favorite snacks, when I go to an izakaya, I often eat liver and heart, and recently I've been hooked on pickled firefly squid.

qbc:
What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

Kanaya:
Sake, beer, and highballs, those three.

Past: If I hadn't spent a year as a ronin, I think I probably would have gone to some random university, gotten some random job, and just become a person who felt depressed about being that way.

qbc:
What kind of child were you when you were young?

Kanaya:
When I was a child, in elementary school, I was an active kid who played outside, especially with the boys. Since I had middle school entrance exams, when I got to be about 5th or 6th grade, I started staying home or going to cram school more, and I started to learn what it was like to be alone. From then on, I was the kind of person who liked both being outside and inside—sometimes going to the library during elementary school lunch breaks to read books in the corner, and sometimes going outside to play.

qbc:
Do you remember what games you liked to play?

Kanaya:
What games did I like? I don't know. I would make up my own rules and have the boys follow them while we played on things like the jungle gym. I guess I would make the rules a bit advantageous for myself.

qbc:
Did they actually follow them? Really?

Kanaya:
I was still in the lower grades, so I guess they were all a bit silly and just followed along.

qbc:
Do you remember why you did that at the time?

Kanaya:
Hmm. Why did I do that?

I don't know. I think my thinking was that, rather than just wanting to create something advantageous for myself, at first I just wanted to have fun, and I thought, 'Isn't it more fun if there's a game-like element?' But because I wanted to win, I felt like I had to add things that were advantageous to me.

qbc:
What kind of child were you in elementary school?

Kanaya:
In elementary school, I laughed a lot. So, I think the image people had of me was that I was a bright child.

qbc:
How about your relationships with others?

Kanaya:
Relationships were the same. At first, I was close with the boys, but then I started to think, 'Wait? Maybe the girls don't like me,' so I started trying to fit in with the girls by trading stickers and letters. Yeah. I guess I was the type of person who was close with everyone, regardless of whether they were boys or girls.

qbc:
How about in middle school?

Kanaya:
In middle school, I went to a combined middle and high school for girls. It was an all-girls school. Let's see, in class, I joined the soccer team, so in terms of the school caste, I think I was probably near the top. I don't think I was bullied or anything, but around the second year of middle school, girls really like to exclude people, so yeah.

At first, it was a group of about 10 people, but then one by one, people started getting excluded. In the end, only about four people were left. When not being excluded became the minority, I thought about whether I should stay in this group. I started thinking about how I had to fake my personality and stay put, so I think the parts of me that were cynical or twisted were shown to others less and less.

qbc:
You stopped showing your cynical side?

Kanaya:
I stopped saying everything I was thinking.

qbc:
How long did that last?

Kanaya:
That was how I felt until my third year of high school.

qbc:
Is that a good thing or a bad thing in your life?

Kanaya:
I suppose once you enter society, saying things you don't really mean is important, so I think it was necessary. Also, since I was in a combined junior and senior high school, that was my only community, so I don't know.

I wasn't exactly going out of my way to find people to be honest with. So, I think it was just unavoidable at the time.

qbc:
I see. How were you raised by your parents?

Kanaya:
Yes. Honestly, I don't feel like I inherited the good parts of my personality from either of my parents, so I don't really think about that much.

My father was quite quiet originally, but he started acting out quite a bit when I was around my third year of high school. So I started staying in my room. I wouldn't come out of my room when I was at home, something like that.

qbc:
Who acted out?

Kanaya:
My father.

qbc:
The reason?

Kanaya:
Well, I don't know. Maybe something bad happened at work, or his relationship with my mother wasn't going well, but anyway, it felt like it was better not to talk to him.

qbc:
Yeah.

Kanaya:
That was the atmosphere, and as for my mother, she had an academic inferiority complex, so she insisted that I absolutely had to go to university. She kept telling me to go to Waseda University, but I didn't actually want to go, my grades wouldn't improve, and even if I studied, I wouldn't make progress. I was struggling in my own way, but she wouldn't accept that at all. She would constantly ask me why I wasn't studying, which is normal, but it was probably stronger than in a typical household.

qbc:
Yes.

Kanaya:
So, I developed a habit of blaming myself, and I started blaming myself for things my mother didn't even say. This is one of the factors that made my thinking deeper, so I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it doesn't leave a positive impression.

qbc:
Are you at your parents' house now?

Kanaya:
Now, at the time of graduation from my third year of high school, my parents divorced, so I live with my mother and grandmother.

qbc:
And you started living alone after you became a working adult?

Kanaya:
Yes.

qbc:
I see. What was high school like for you?

Kanaya:
I really don't have many memories of high school, but I wonder what it is.Maybe it's that I was finally able to enjoy soccer from the heart.

qbc:
Is that about all you remember from your high school days?

Kanaya:
Well, I suppose so. Some of my good friends were in the science track, and since I was in the humanities track, our classes were absolutely never going to be the same. I didn't have any close friends in my class either.

I might not have many memories. Just that I was struggling with entrance exam studies.

qbc:
What was the landscape like where you were born and raised?

Kanaya:
I moved around the time I was in elementary school or second year of junior high. When I was in elementary school, there were parks and benches along the route to school, and I liked the atmosphere; it felt natural.

qbc:
Did you move when your parents divorced during high school?

Kanaya:
That's right. It seems they waited until graduation. We moved right at the same time as graduation.

qbc:
You moved.

Kanaya:
Yes.

qbc:
I see. What criteria did you use to choose your university?

Kanaya:
The criteria for choosing a university was that I had chosen the private humanities track, so I aimed for the top one, Waseda. It was just an unspoken understanding. I didn't have any particular cram school or university I wanted to go to, and later on, when I was a ronin student, the more time passed, the more it became less about a specific university and more about getting into a decent one to win a ticket to job hunting.

qbc:
Is that fun?

Kanaya:
No, being a ronin was truly the hardest thing in my life.

qbc:
How was it after you entered university?

Kanaya:
After entering university, it was incredibly fun. During my time as a ronin, I had so many things I wanted to try once I got into university, and I basically went through all of them. I was able to do what I wanted, I was blessed with good friends, and I think it was a university life without many regrets.

qbc:
What was the most fun thing about your university life?

Kanaya:
What was fun? Hmm. I wonder. Specifically.

Well. When I was a freshman, I went to places like the Dome with seniors from my second and third year, had drinks at home, went out for drinks, and experienced the fun of being a college student, like being pampered by seniors. Also, in my seminar, I went to Indonesia and participated in presentation competitions. I also know what it's like to be with friends in terms of academics.

qbc:
Yeah.

Kanaya:
In terms of making close friends, I had about three people I could talk to about anything, just pointlessly from 12:00 AM to 5:00 AM. There were many moments where we could just be silly.

Kanaya:
My work included freelance stuff, cram school teaching, telemarketing, writing LINE articles, freelance video editing, and being a video editing instructor, so I really just did everything I wanted to do. It might be that I enjoyed being able to do what I wanted to do.

qbc:
I see. When you say what you wanted to do, was it something you could keep doing in every single moment, or what was it like? Why did you feel like you wanted to do those things?

Kanaya:
I categorized the things I wanted to try into genres like play and learning. When I categorized them that way, for the learning side, my desire was to try and gain the ability to earn money on my own, even if it was just one yen.

The reason I thought that was, well, just because I became a university student, when I became a working adult right after university, I didn't have the confidence to do my best once I started working, so I thought if I acquired even a little bit of that skill while in university, I wouldn't have trouble with job huntingand even if I tried to do it after becoming a working adult, I could think, 'I have the ability to earn this much on my own,' so I wouldn't have to get depressed. It was quite a bit about, trying to avoid getting depressedmaybe.

qbc:
How did you feel when your parents got divorced?

Kanaya:
Wow, I found out they were going to divorce when I was in my third year of junior high by snooping on my parent's phone. So when they told me they were divorcing in my third year of high school, I was like, 'Finally, thank goodness.'

qbc:
Why were you thankful?

Kanaya:
Well, it was just too uncomfortable to be at home.Like, why do I have to hole up in my room so much when I'm at home? I really hated it when my mother would open my bedroom door.

qbc:
Yeah.

Kanaya:
My father's room was right across the hallway from my room, so I kept thinking, why do I have to sleep while listening to this guy's screaming?

qbc:
Screaming?

Kanaya:
Something like, 'Ugh, die!' I wondered if something bad happened at his company.

qbc:
I don't really know, but he was just screaming.

Kanaya:
Yeah, exactly.

qbc:
I wonder, if there is a turning point in your life, where do you think that turning point is?

Kanaya:
My year as a ronin, I suppose.

qbc:
Why is that a turning point?

Kanaya:
Up until middle and high school, even if I thought things through by myself, I would just get depressed on my own. It wasn't like I was falling into darkness, but there was no final destination. I was just depressed.

qbc:
Yeah.

Kanaya:
During my ronin year, I became able to think about things like what I should do from that point on.

qbc:
I see.

Kanaya:
I became able to think about how to control myself, my emotions, and so on. So, I think I've become a bit better at dealing with myself.

qbc:
Why did you become able to control yourself like that?

Kanaya:
That's because during my ronin year, instead of a big cram school like Kawaijuku, I went to a private tutoring school, and I would complain to the staff there almost every day.

I'd say things like, 'I can't do this,' or 'I hate this.' I kept venting, and each time, they would correct me by saying things like, 'But there's this way of thinking, right?' Plus, I started to branch out from that and think for myself on paper, like, 'Why am I feeling depressed about this?' or 'Is this a problem I can solve right now?'

I started talking to people and, on top of that, organizing my thoughts myself. Until then, I didn't really talk to people, and even when I did, I didn't get good feedback, but there were several people who gave me good responses. And I might be able to organize things on my own now.

qbc:
How old were they?

Kanaya:
They were like 27 or 25, there were about three of them, so I was talking to someone.

qbc:
Why do you think it got better? Isn't it just talking?

Kanaya:
I don't know. There was a sense of security. My mother is in education and she was the type to push me, saying, 'You can do it,' but they were the opposite, saying, 'No, you can't, right?' and they didn't have those expectations of me. When I said, 'No, I don't think I can do it,' they would say, 'Yeah, you can't,' and it made me incredibly happy that they were looking at my current situation.

I felt a sense of security because I felt like they were evaluating me fairly and that it was okay to talk about my parents. Until then, if I talked about it, people would ask, 'Do you want to die?' and I'd be like, 'No, I don't want to die.' They would just laugh it off, saying, 'Oh, she's having another mental breakdown,' and I was really grateful that they laughed it off. For me, it provided a sense of security, so my foundation became a little more solid.

qbc:
I see. I have two questions: in your life so far, what was the most fun thing and what was the most painful thing?

Kanaya:
The most painful thing was definitely my ronin year.

qbc:
What was the most fun thing?

Kanaya:
The most fun thing was my entire time in college.

qbc:
I see. But you think your ronin year was good, right?

Kanaya:
That's right.

qbc:
Right. And in terms of it being the most painful, what kind of year was it?

Kanaya:
A year where I fully faced myself and my parents?

qbc:
If you hadn't had that ronin year, what would have happened?

Kanaya:
If I hadn't spent a year as a ronin, I think I probably would have just gone to some random university, gotten some random job, and become the kind of person who just gets depressed about being that way.

Future: I want to keep clinging to my own potential

qbc:
If you imagine 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now, and even the point where you eventually die, what kind of future do you imagine now? Can you imagine it?

Kanaya:
In terms of the future, I don't know. But I think I'll keep living while worrying, while struggling and getting lost, wondering what it is I want to do or what I like.

qbc:
Don't you feel the possibility that you might stop worrying?

Kanaya:
I don't.

qbc:
In terms of what you're worried about lately? Like finding a job?

Kanaya:
That's right, like what I'll do when I get a job. What about my friends. And also things like marriage. I'm about 23 now, so in 5 years I'll be 28, and when people around me start getting married, I don't really have any desire to get married, or I'm just like, I guess I could if I wanted to. I seriously don't want children.

I guess I'm a bit afraid of the idea that everyone around me will settle down and I'll lose my friends.

qbc:
What do you think is the reason for your worry? For example, is the anxiety about whether you can keep up with those around you, is it simply about losing the fun times with friends, or is it about being different from everyone else? Is there a common thread? The root of your worries.

Kanaya:
It might end up being based on past experience.

I ended up getting a job at a major company, but back in junior high and high school, I went to a school with a deviation score of about 73 and I was at the bottom. When I was a dropout, I ended up being a ronin, so I couldn't make a comeback during my junior high and high school years.

qbc:
Yeah.

Kanaya:
So, I get scared that I'll end up in the same situation again, wondering if I can really make it in an environment where everyone is so amazing.

It's like the image that my past experiences are directly linked to my current anxiety.

qbc:
What about being separated from your friends?

Kanaya:
Yes.

Kanaya:
Being separated from friends, too—a friend I was close with in high school went to a different university in Tochigi, and we drifted apart because of that. It was like, 'Here we go again.'

qbc:
I see. What about marriage?

Kanaya:
As for marriage, I struggled quite a bit during my high school ronin years and the beginning of university because I'm not the type to hold conventional views. I'm worried that those worries will just swell up again. Now, I feel like I can understand the general consensus while still having my own thoughts, but when that general consensus actually forms all around me, I'm not sure I can say with confidence yet whether I'll be able to establish my own firm thoughts and be confident in them even then.

qbc:
Now, as we're talking, I feel a bit of a contradiction within you.

Kanaya:
Did I contradict myself somewhere?

qbc:
There is always a gap between ideals and the reality of what you're thinking, but it's a contradiction that you're trying to jump into an environment where you're likely to fail again, even though you failed in high school in the first place. What is it that makes you do that?

Kanaya:
Is it, in the end, an ambition for success?

qbc:
Is it ambition? This way of thinking is the same as what your mother had, but is that just your personality, or did it come from your mother?

Kanaya:
I really feel that. I wonder why.

qbc:
If the gap with general thinking isn't actually general thinking, then you can just ignore the general talk in the first place. You have this anxiety about what to do if that gap appears, or how to cover it up.

There is no one without contradictions, but how do you think about it?

Kanaya:
I hadn't really noticed that I was being contradictory.

qbc:
It's natural to worry. Like, what if the same thing happens again?

Kanaya:
I'm jumping into the same environment.

qbc:
It's understandable to fail once. But why did you make the same choice again, or why are you trying to do something that has the potential to turn out the same way?

Kanaya:
That's true, I wonder. In the end, the desire to be evaluated by society and, what else, I think that my actions after getting into a good middle and high school were just a show, and I don't think it was a big problem until I got in. I just slacked off on my studies after getting in, so I was left behind by six years of accumulation. I think if I had studied properly there, well, I don't think I would have gone higher, but I think I could have stayed at an average level, so I think I can act differently if I get in again.

qbc:
Has your anxiety been resolved?

Kanaya:
Indeed. It has been quite resolved.

qbc:
That feeling of wanting to make an effort or wanting to be recognized, have you looked back and found anything similar? Within yourself.

Kanaya:
Regarding wanting to be recognized, well, since elementary school, my parents, especially my mother, were in education. Like, 'Do your best!'

In that environment, I got too used to being told 'You're amazing' after putting in effort reluctantly and eventually getting results, so I don't really care about being evaluated by my parents. But when it becomes a boss, or when a boss says 'You're doing great, you're talented' when I'm a freelancer, I feel happy. So, even if I decide to do a side job for my own sake, no matter how hard I try, I can't put in the effort, and it's only when I interact with people that I know that I'm the type who can only put in proper effort when I decide to work hard for the sake of others, so that's how it feels.

qbc:
I see. I'm asking a 'what if' question about the future. If you had won, I don't know in what situation, but if you had won, what would you want to do? What kind of life would you want to have?

For example, if you had studied in high school, or if you were a person who had achieved results in your life? What kind of person do you think you would have become?

Kanaya:
As a premise, I don't like 'what if' stories, so I think about how even if I think about it, the current me won't change, but if I put that aside for a moment and think about it, if I hadn't failed my university entrance exams, I don't think my university life would have been this fulfilling, and I don't think I would have developed these current thoughts or made these friends.

I think I played a different life, but I'm reasonably satisfied with my current life, so I don't really have an image that if I had won, the future would be better than it is now.

qbc:
I want to know what kind of person you want to be.

Kanaya:
What do I want to do?

qbc:
So, for example, if it were university entrance exams, and you were studying for them, and you succeeded in the university entrance exams, then you wouldn't need to worry or spend time on things like that—that's the way of thinking.

Kanaya:
Oh. So you mean if a version of me that doesn't worry was completed? In that case, I feel like I would go as far as I could and earn money. I was earning about 150,000 yen as a freelancer, so I wonder if I would be making the effort to earn up to about 2 million yen.

qbc:
As a result, what kind of person did you think you were?

Kanaya:
As a result, I wonder. Someone who kept clinging to their own potential.

qbc:
This is a simple question, but if you were in a situation where I gave you 1 million yen and a month off right now, what would you do?

Kanaya:
Man, I wonder what I would do. I used to say I would start a business, but no, I would do my senior year of college again. I feel like I would just end up doing the same things I did as a senior.

Travel or something? No, I hate traveling, so it's not travel, and I don't have a desire to live in a mansion or own a nice car. I don't really have a desire to play around either. I really don't. If I were to start a business, I could do that now anyway.

1 million yen for a month, yeah. I would go eat at a nice place with my favorite friends.

qbc:
I see. As a final word, it could be a will, a message to the readers, or just a monologue, but if you have anything left to say, please do.

Kanaya:
Yeah. My thoughts are contradictory, but this is who I am.

qbc:
Thank you.

Afterword (Editing)

I sometimes find myself thinking back to my own ronin days, and I do feel like I saw hell a few times; the pain of facing problems you can't solve while in solitude is perhaps similar to the feeling of a craftsman polishing their skills until they become a master.

Then, one day, a few years after my ronin days ended, a boss at a workplace told me, 'When you're creating a project, don't suffer or obsess over it so much; try to enjoy it.' It was only then that I realized I had been obsessing over things. Yes, what I had unintentionally cultivated during my ronin days was a numbness to suffering. Whether this is good or bad is another matter.

In any case, I think the 'ronin' underworld, which is shrinking year by year, has a huge impact on personality formation and thinking habits (sometimes correcting them, sometimes twisting them). Although there are some who only acquire skills in mahjong and pachinko...
[Interview/Editing: qbc]

[Editing/Afterword: Ikkyu Daree]

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