My Bipolar Life: The Time I Got Angry (Part 1)

I am writing about the ins and outs of living with bipolar disorder as a personal account. I hope you will read this casually, thinking of it as just one example of how things can be.

When I tell my doctor during a consultation that I am feeling irritable, they sometimes reply, 'That is not the irritability of mania.'

The doctor seems to believe that irritability in someone without the illness is an emotion that reacts to external stimuli, whereas irritability as a manic symptom overflows from within the body, so they want to treat them as separate things.

Today was a day I was scheduled to go to the facility, but for a certain reason, I was feeling angry. I worked for the full duration of the time, but I think I spent more than half of my time at the facility feeling angry.

As for the reason I felt angry, to put it simply, it was because I found the work environment difficult and frustrating. I asked the support staff to reconsider the work assignments so that things could proceed without delay from next time onwards. I intended to leave it at that, but my anger was greater than I had anticipated, and I remained angry for quite a long time.

Suddenly, my doctor's words crossed my mind, and I wondered which type of anger this was.

It is true that I am currently reducing the medication that suppresses manic symptoms (to improve depressive symptoms), making me more prone to irritability. However, I feel that at the beginning of my time at the workshop, I was behaving as I usually do.

My challenge is to understand the irritability caused by manic symptoms, so I kept thinking about which type of anger this was even after I got home. I still don't know which one it is, but I think if the anger persists tomorrow morning, it is likely the irritability of a manic symptom.

What I gained today was a sense of guilt and shame for being emotional in front of others. However, unusually, I had a sense that although I was angry, I must not let it get any worse. I feel like that is my only salvation.

I have written this in a rambling way, but today was a day spent entirely in anger. It was painful. Feelings of anger make those around you feel unpleasant and also make your own existence feel miserable.

I hope today ends quickly.
I hope tomorrow morning will be normal.