What I thought about after watching 'I Can't Cry With Your Face' on Amazon Prime in my 50s

When I watch movies in my 50s, they inevitably become a set with a reflection on my own life, not just the story itself.
The night I played 'I Can't Cry With Your Face' on Amazon Prime Video was no exception.

Although it starts with the classic youth movie premise of high schoolers 'swapping bodies,' this work depicts the weight of '15 years' of time.
If I had watched this movie in my teens or 20s, I probably would have focused on the sparkle of romance and youth.
But watching it in my 50s, I can't help but focus on the 'time that has piled up' and the 'choices I couldn't make again.'

Work, marriage, relationships with parents, children, health.
Even though the phases of life change before I know it, there are moments when the feeling of 'living as myself' becomes even thinner.
Watching the two of them grow older while still swapped in the movie, a feeling slowly rose from deep within my chest: 'Wait, haven't I been living wearing someone else's face somewhere along the way?'

What struck me most was the time the two spent constantly wavering between 'Is it okay to stay like this?' and 'Should I go back to how things were?'
At the age of 50, the option to 'go back' hardly exists in reality.
Changing jobs, moving, divorce, starting over—the hurdles are significantly higher than when I was young.
That is precisely why I have, in some way, forbidden myself from thinking, 'What if I had made a different choice back then?'

Even so, watching this movie, that seal is loosened just a little.
'What kind of life did I really want to choose?' 'For whom and for what have I been working so hard until now?'
Even though I was supposed to be watching a story about two people swapping bodies, I found myself facing my own 'what ifs.'

The title 'I Can't Cry With Your Face' hits differently now that I'm in my 50s compared to when I was young.
'The face of a boss,' 'the face of a parent,' 'the face of a veteran'—the older I get, the more 'faces' society expects of me.
When I am wearing those faces, it becomes increasingly difficult to vent, complain, or show my true feelings.
Behind the words 'I can't cry with your face,' I felt a hidden question: 'Can I cry with my own face?' or 'In front of whom can I cry?'

Another thing that resonated strongly because of my age is the obvious fact that 'time does not go back.'
The 15 years in the movie flow by in a digest, but my 50 years, looking back, also passed in the blink of an eye.
Prioritizing work back then, being harsh to my family, putting my own dreams on the back burner.
None of it can be undone, yet here I am, having managed to live until today.

This movie is not a story about redoing the past.
Rather, I felt it was a story that asks how to live from now on, while still carrying the 'time that cannot be redone.'
For me in my 50s, that was a very realistic and inescapable theme, but at the same time, it was also a form of salvation.
It made me think that maybe I can still choose 'what to do from here on out' for myself.

After the end credits finished, I was alone in the living room with the lights on.
I didn't touch my phone and just sat there for a while.
I wasn't crying, nor was I dying to talk to someone about it.
Just a slightly more honest question for someone in their 50s, 'How do I want to live from now on?', was quietly floating in my heart.

I'm sure I would have had a different impression of 'I Can't Cry With Your Face' if I had watched it when I was young.
But there was real meaning in watching it now, as I am in my 50s.
Even among the things I've told myself are 'too late,' there might still be things I can reach for.
Because it made me think that way, I believe this encounter with the movie became a modest opportunity for me, in my 50s, to 'choose again.'