Fallen Leaves #UnrequitedLoveLiteratureClub

Something I dropped, as if it were the only thing.
Something I dropped.

No matter how much I swept with the broom,
like wet fallen leaves that wouldn't be gathered,
my heart remained stuck.

I fell in love at first sight.

Already,
as if my own heart were in turmoil,
this is how the writing begins.

Experiencing unrequited love all over again,
is this what it feels like?

It feels as though my delusions are expanding endlessly,
while the real me remains extremely small and confined.

The happiness of falling in love,
and the despair toward the person who likely doesn't know my feelings,
swirl together.

What a thing.

I want no part of painful things, but,
to be freed from them,
I must take the action
that seems the most painful of all.

A confession.

The more I think about it, the more difficult it becomes.

If, by mistake, she were to
drop a pen from her desk,
I would see it as a chance to talk to her,
pick it up, and want to hand it to her.

It was even such a trivial delusion.

Leaping far beyond any actual interaction with her,
my heart just swells.

I don't want to think of myself as miserable,
but I think of myself as so miserable,
that it cannot be helped.

No matter how much I come to know about her,
unless she turns to look at me,
I 'think' that everything will return to nothing.

Having somehow finished sweeping the fallen leaves,
as if to add to that,
I let out a long, deep sigh.

It was as if,
it were a stifling sensation,
desperately trying to suppress the helpless flailing inside my heart.

If I tell her sooner,
my mind will be much more at ease.

A month has passed.

I decided to take the plunge.

I thought of every realistic way I could
possibly contact her.

A letter? A phone call? Meeting in person?

I have a life of my own, and
although I had tentatively decided
to convey my feelings over the phone.

The moment I moved to take action,
was, if I had to compare it to something,
perhaps a state where my heart was half-dead.

What I wanted to say was simple,

I fell in love at first sight.
Please go out with me.

Holding my mobile phone in one hand,
I hesitated for a while.

The LCD screen went dark over and over again.

Watching that,
I felt like I was losing consciousness in a simulated way.

With just one fingertip.

I waited until I was in a state of mind where I didn't even know what I was doing,
and tapped it without thinking.

.......

To pick up the "thing I dropped" this time,
I had to bend down quite a bit.

It wasn't so much that it was hard on my back and legs, but rather
why did I have to go and pick up
the version of myself that had fallen so low,
it was a contradictory kind of heartache.

Picking up the important parts of who I am,
from looking down at the swept-clean ground,
I found myself looking up at the sky.

The destination of my unfulfilled feelings
drained away from my shoulders, leaving me limp,
and just when I thought I had fallen into ruin,
I found I had a surprisingly calm expression on my face.

The pain in my heart ended up being only a minor injury.

The unrequited love of my older self
was different from the unrequited love of my youth.

If anything,
unlike when I was younger and just wanted things,
now I am shifting toward a way of life that deals with
how to handle the things I desire.

Such is this instance of unrequited love.
I must awaken a new version of myself once again.

As if waking from a dream,
today too,
I return to the daily routine of sweeping up
the fallen leaves that have scattered unnoticed.

(The end. 1216 characters)

☆彡
Afterword

I would like to participate in the Unrequited Love Literature Club
with the theme 'Lost Item'.

Actually,
today just happens to be the day my unrequited love came to an end.

It is a humble work, but I hope you enjoy it.

Tsuru, respectfully

#UnrequitedLoveLiteratureClub