[Muttering] During a Panic Attack to Mid-Recovery

I ate a good breakfast, did my chores 🧽🧹🪣
and headed to the gym at a leisurely pace...

But as soon as I stood in front of the gym building,
it arrived...

My feet stopped,
and I turned on my heels to go home.

I wish for a good day every single day.
I stop pushing myself so I don't have attacks every day.
Even so, it won't forgive me.
It's as if I'm cursed.

It tries to destroy even my humanity.
That is what a panic attack is.

But I just don't want to lose.

Even when I despair for the future in the midst of pain,
I remember the voices of my late grandparents deep in my heart
saying, "We're proud of you,"
and the fact that someone I respected and who saved my life
acknowledged me,

so I struggle to my limit.
Even if the thread snaps suddenly someday,
I believe it won't be today.

First, I become aware of my present self.
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
It's okay.
It's okay,
I tell myself as I walk quickly.

I immediately take a Wyeth (alprazolam) 💊.

Alright, you monster!
Your HP will go down with this medicine!

During a panic attack,
my only strategy for now
is to seal the monster away with medicine.

Normal people are put off by the fact that I take medicine.
Put off?

When I was on a different medication,
taking it would make me look dazed,
"Are you okay? Are you feeling unwell?"
I almost got found out.

I hated that, so for years I've worked with my doctor
to try several 💊, and now my rescue medication is Wyeth.
I also change them from time to time.

I'm a professional mental health patient,
so I don't want to be found out and have people make a fuss.
People who don't understand pretend to worry out of hypocrisy.
I don't think carefree idiots could ever understand.
(That sounds harsh, but honestly, that's what I think.)

Because I can read their hearts, you see.

Back when I first developed insomnia,
when I told a friend at the time that I was taking medicine,
"Huh? Are you a junkie? That's messed up."
"Can you even work properly like that?"
I was greatly mocked.

I cut ties with that person!

That person later
became famous as a jinx who causes incidents.
Everyone who got involved with that person, whether celebrities or regular people,
all ended up in trouble with the police.

Idiots who don't understand human pain
always cause problems.
Even with just one word, you can easily tell
when someone is off like that.
That's why,
if you suffer from a mental illness,
you must thoroughly exclude them from your life!

Insomnia and all mental illnesses are "diseases,"
and there is medicine for treatment under a doctor's care.
I'm not a junkie or anything of the sort.

People who live like selfish idiots
don't care about others and cause trouble,
but they don't mind at all
because they have no pressure,
so they sleep soundly at night.

But people who are serious, kind,
and more capable than those around them
are under great pressure
and are always concerned about those around them.
That's why they carry anxiety and can't sleep.

Carefree people,
I hate them!
I really hate them.

Even when I was taking sleeping pills to sleep,
I won prizes in business competitions
and kept getting certifications one after another.
Some of them are psychology certifications.
(I have about 15 certifications, lol)

I stood on stage and gave speeches,
and I did volunteer work for the city.
I don't want to say it,
but I think I'm living a more decent and respectable life than them,
even though I'm sick.

Even if I'm praised by the police,
I'm not living a life where I'd get arrested like them.

Even though I suffer from mental illness,
for 10 years since the Tohoku earthquake,
I donated a fixed amount every month,

and whenever there is a disaster in Japan,
I donate to the Japanese Red Cross Society
in the names of each of my four late grandparents.

And,
to reach out to young people who want to end their lives,
I regularly went out into the nightlife district
and told them they could contact me 24 hours a day.

You know,

I used to help out with scouting for nightlife and adult entertainment businesses in Kabukicho.

Back then, the girls really looked up to me, and I listened to a lot of their problems. There were many who said they wanted to die, but quite a few told me that my presence helped save them.

If they said they were having a hard time, I would go to see them even in the middle of the night, and I always answered their calls.

I'm not bragging. It was just the norm in my world, my own set of values. Even if you have an illness, I believe you can become the person you want to be. It all starts with believing that you can.

At first, I couldn't. I was self-destructive and wanted to die, but I didn't want to die.

So, I did things my own way. I took the actions I wanted to take without caring what anyone thought. I made an effort to discipline myself by helping others. I won't let my illness be an excuse to degrade myself or engage in low-level behavior.

Also, people don't talk about it, but quite a lot of people are on medication. Even famous executives use sleeping pills and such. There are people with panic disorders and people with bipolar disorder. Of course, I don't talk about it because of confidentiality, but everyone has something they want to protect, so even if they are suffering from an illness, they are fighting desperately on their own.

I'm being honest here. In society, I keep my illness closed off. I have a mental illness and a disability certificate. I tell people that my monthly hospital visits are for a gynecological condition, but in reality, I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

I only feel good about one-fifth of the month, but even so, I can work. For some reason, I never miss a beat at work. In fact, I feel sharp. I love my work, and I'm good at supporting people.

Because I'm seen as someone who gets things done, there's no way it would be found out. But you know, I think it's precisely because of the illness that my work ability is high. DID has different abilities for each personality, and the memory medium changes. I've figured out how to link them, so no matter which personality I'm in, it feels like I can operate by downloading that content.

I think the movie 'The Matrix' is probably about me, lol.

Even without explanations or manuals, for some reason, I just understand... People call it a special ability, but I think it's just a common thing for people with disabilities.

You often hear that people with disabilities have exceptional abilities in limited areas, right?

When I was little, I was interested in dinosaurs, cars, and robots, and I still love them today.

I was a child who could immediately remember and identify car models. I'd be driving on the highway at night and identify the car model just by looking at the lamps in the rearview mirror, or even by the engine sound.

Oh, by the way, I'm deaf in my left ear. My ex-boyfriend beat me up... and that injury is the cause...

Even so, humans are amazing. When I focus completely, my right ear reaches a divine level. I notice strange noises in cars immediately. When I take it to the factory, it's usually just before a breakdown, and the mechanics call me the 'ear of God'.

Yes! This is me bragging, lol.

No, that's not it. I want to tell all of society not to underestimate me just because I have a mental disability. Besides, I can seriously hear the voices in people's hearts! I also want to say, 'Watch out!' (I think this part is a special ability, lol). (I want to write about that too, but besides the time, my writing ability is so crappy that I can't get it together.)

Ohhh!!

I'm starting to feel better now that I've written this down!
Thanks for keeping me company!

Proof that the excellent medicine is working

The ghost (panic attack) is about to retreat
There's somewhere I have to go now

Ah!
It looks like I finally managed to link it to X♪
I'll try posting my daily life on X

The medicine 💊 worked♪
Yayyyyy♪
Take that!
You panic attack

I think of
DID as a friend 🤝
but I'm not quite that close with panic disorder yet

Because of this guy
I almost got exposed for being sick
and it's always getting in my way

If anyone has managed to become friends with it, please let me know 🙏
It triggers for no reason and I'm struggling 💦
Still need to do more research 🧪