What is Necessary Rather Than Repeating Self-Questioning | Essay

(I had always assumed that someday, I would end up dying alone in some unknown place...)

Ever since I became conscious of the world, I have held a view of life and death within me, and I wonder how many times I have thought about those words to their very depths.

Recently, whenever I look back on the life I have led, I find myself suddenly remembering things. I wonder if the many paths I chose after thinking them through with my own will were truly the right ones.

For example, around this time last year. I was spending my days diligently visiting the public employment office, throwing myself into job hunting for a fresh start. I wonder if there was any point in going through such agonizing efforts to escape those days.

But at that time, there was no room to shed a single tear of frustration or to entertain any unnecessary distracting thoughts. No matter how many times I was rejected in document screenings, or how many times I couldn't express myself as I wanted during interviews.

And no matter how much harsh criticism or biting words were thrown directly at me by interviewers or staff at the employment office. Above all, I could not forgive myself for being weak.

More than anything, there was no time to feel depressed, thinking, 'What a useless person I am.' If I gave up halfway, it would be the same as admitting that my abilities were only at that level.

Even so, I must continue to move forward along the path I chose for myself without looking back until the end. Even if that path does not lead to a single exit.

From the moment I arrived there until now, I felt as if the speed of everything around me had been increasing. It was the kind of feeling where, if I wasn't careful, summer would arrive in the blink of an eye...

In the midst of all this, I recently celebrated my birthday. In previous years, I would always set some kind of major goal at this time and carry it out. But this year, for some reason, I had no intention of setting even a small goal.

'Rather than that, it is necessary to stop for a moment now.' That idea was unconsciously dominating my body, bringing my momentum to a halt.

Perhaps the many events that came to fruition in this short period went too well. And I think I felt that I was getting a little carried away. Or perhaps, if I kept running like this, I would encounter an unprecedented situation once again.

...I might be a little tired. I felt as if the brakes in my heart were engaged.

I don't think now is the time for me to keep repeating self-questioning about what is right and what is wrong in everything. At the same time, I have come to think that I need some rest for a while.

What should I do from here on? Where should I set my landing point? Perhaps it would be better to just cast aside and forget about these laments that have yet to be resolved for a while.

Even without certainty, things will surely work out somehow. Just as the path I have overcome so far has certainly proven.