The Sky I Watched While Waiting to Depart Someday | Essay

I want to go far away. Because I have realized that I do not belong here.

It was around this time in my final year of elementary school. During the lunch break after finishing school lunch, I was alone, looking out through a window from the hallway on the top floor of the school building where the special classrooms were lined up, watching the vibrant playground.

Down on the ground, which was the outdoors, I could see children from various grades mingling and playing to their hearts' content. In one part, boys were engrossed in competing at soccer or dodgeball. In another, girls were gathered around playground equipment like the horizontal bars or the jungle gym, their conversations lively.

Even from more than ten meters above, I could hear their joyful voices, and the children, wrapped in vivid colors against the backdrop of ocher sand, were frolicking innocently. Looking down at the sight of that collective, I felt a sense of envy and loneliness.

There was a time when I, too, used to mingle and play within a circle, just like everyone else on the ground. Even if I wasn't good at sports, I would be a member of a group, chasing after a ball with all my might.

But at some point, I began to look down alone from a place where no one was supposed to come. I knew the reason for that myself. When I realized it, I faded away from the herd.

Eventually, I wandered through the school building, which felt like a cage for a bird, looking for a place where I could be alone. I avoided the playground where people were densely packed, and classrooms that included multiple grades. Furthermore, I did not go to the infirmary on my own, partly because I was not sick, and partly because I did not want to be thought of as a sick person.

The place of peace I reached in this way was a part of the school building lined with east-facing windows, a place that stood out for being dim and wrapped in silence. Usually, one would only enter such places for specific classes like music, science, or home economics. Therefore, as far as I can remember, I rarely saw anyone else there.

If I am here, no one will find me. But if I were about to be found, I could just hide and let it pass. Even so, I never dreamed at the time that I would end up spending most of my final year of elementary school, the culmination of my time there, in this place.

Looking back, except for most of my classes, I felt pain during these empty times. Why must I play together with everyone else? Why must I force myself to join in even when I knew we were incompatible?

If I have to endure unpleasant feelings just to blend into a group, it would be better to be alone from the start. I felt it was better to avoid being hurt by trivial conflicts than to have my heart crushed by loneliness.

Even thinking that, it wouldn't solve anything to keep playing this pathetic game of hide-and-seek forever. If I am to become free as time passes, I must prepare for my departure so that I won't feel lonely even when I am alone.

A preparation to head toward a place where my feelings are clear, without being crushed by sadness or trapped by memories.

A great many years have passed, but in a way, I think my past self did well to overcome it. While it is true that I think about it less than I used to, whenever I suddenly recall memories that I consider painful, it still does not feel good.

Ironically, having fully known the loneliness of being alone, I have perhaps gained the confidence that I can survive anywhere. Yet, on the other hand, it is also true that an indescribable loneliness suddenly wells up within me, especially when I am with a large group of people.

I have never been invited to major life events like reunions or weddings by classmates with whom I presumably shared both joys and sorrows, and in the first place, I hardly ever keep in touch with them at all.

However, this might be a good thing for me. I have no need for relationships that merely involve talking about the past and reminiscing. For me now, all I need is the strength to live through the present moment without being bound by the past.