【The Habit of Thinking Based on Others】People Who Lose Touch with Their Own Feelings

Thinking patterns that keep you trapped in an other-centered mindset

Why is it that even though it's my own life,
my judgments are based on others?

Before I knew it,
my criteria for judgment were always based on someone else's eyes.

Even though I don't know what I really want,
the thought 'they'll probably think this' keeps popping up.

When choosing something, before my own feelings,
I imagine the reactions of others.

It's not that I don't want to make a mistake.
I just don't want to stand out.
I don't want to be disliked.

While thinking like that,
'What do I want?'
I understand that less and less.

Living with an other-centered mindset,
I think that's probably what it means.

🔳 What exactly is an other-centered mindset?

It's a phrase you hear often lately.

'Stop living for others and start living for yourself!'

But if it were that easy to switch,
no one would struggle.

An other-centered mindset is
a state where the criteria for your choices are always placed on what others think,
constantly focused on that.

In every situation, 'how I will be seen by those around me' is prioritized over 'what I want to do'.

Even though it's your own life, you don't have the initiative in your judgments.


I think there are more people living with that sense of discomfort
than you might imagine.

The tricky part is
that this isn't necessarily a 'bad thing'.

🔳 People with an other-centered mindset are actually kind

Let me offer some reassurance here.

People who live with an other-centered mindset
don't have weak wills, nor do they lack a sense of self.

It's actually the opposite; they are sensitive to people's emotions
and many are very observant of their surroundings.

They are good at reading the room,
have the ability to sense the expectations of others,
and can act in ways that don't disrupt the atmosphere.

I think those abilities
are definitely weapons for surviving in society.


The problem is...
that it becomes the only criterion for judgment.


Caring about what others think isn't bad in itself.

But when that's all there is,
your own outline starts to blur.

What you feel, what you want,
you stop knowing.

'What kind of person am I again?'

In a sudden moment,
that question starts to arise.

🔳 Why can't you break free?

The reason you can't break free from an other-centered mindset is
the 'result' of having prioritized others
because it has piled up.

Each one of those is a small choice.

But when that continues for years, or over a decade,
the 'sense of deciding for yourself' gradually dulls.


For example, when going out to eat with friends.

Even though you really want Japanese food,
you swallow your own wishes, saying,
'Everyone else says they want Western food'.

That moment is trivial.

But when situations like that continue,
before you know it, you stop thinking altogether.

The resignation that 'it's no use saying anything anyway'
becomes a habit of thought.

And then,
having your own opinion becomes a hassle,
and it becomes easier to just go along with someone else's opinion.

Before you know it,
you end up in a state where you've entrusted your life to others.

🔳 The fear of being disliked

At the root of living for others,
there is usually a fear of "not wanting to be disliked."

This is instinctive,
because humans are social creatures,
and we have an extreme fear of being excluded from the group.

Therefore,
trying to fit in with those around you is natural.

However, when that fear becomes excessive,
you try to fit in with others even to the point of erasing yourself.
Your imagination runs wild, and in the end, you can't say anything.

🔳 What is lost when living for others

When you live for others, what do you lose?

It is your own sense of self.

・What you like and what you dislike.
・What is fun and what is boring.
・Those feelings gradually become vague.


Even if asked, "What do you like?"
you cannot answer immediately.
Even if asked, "What are your hobbies?"
you can only say, "I don't really have any."


It's not that you have no interests.


As a result of suppressing your own "likes,"
your ability to feel has simply weakened.


You also lose track of what you want to do.


When someone invites you somewhere, you can't think, "I want to go,"
or "I don't want to go."

Only the thought, "Would it be bad if I declined?"
comes to mind first.

Even when given choices,
you answer, "Anything is fine."
Even though it's not really true that anything is fine.

And in the end,
you are struck by a sense of emptiness,
wondering, "What am I?"

You live to meet others' expectations, to fit in with those around you,
and to avoid being disliked.


But what remains as a result is...
only a safe version of yourself that no one dislikes.


You are a convenient existence for everyone, but
to yourself, you are no one.

I think that is the scenery you see
at the end of continuing to live for others.

🔳 The trap of the phrase "living for yourself"

So, should you just live for yourself?
That, too, is not so simple.

In the first place, the phrase "living for yourself"
is spoken of as an ideal.

That is certainly wonderful.

But I don't think a completely self-centered way of living
probably exists.

Because as long as humans live in society,
we cannot completely ignore the eyes of others.

Besides, there is joy and peace of mind
that comes from meeting the expectations of others.

Therefore, slogans like "Stop living for others and start living for yourself!"
are, in a sense, violent.

Since you are suffering because you can't do that,
being told "you should be able to"
only makes you blame yourself more.

🔳 The choice to shift slightly

So what should you do?

I think,
you probably don't need to escape completely.

Maybe you don't need to swing entirely
to either living for others or living for yourself.

Rather, I think it's more realistic to manage to live
while balancing both.

What's important is to be able to pause.

When choosing something,
check who the subject of that choice is.

Instead of "What will people around me think if I choose this?"
ask, "Do I want to choose this?"

Just by having that question,
the axis of your thinking will gradually shift.

People often say, "Have the courage to be disliked," but
this is also a high hurdle.


So, try thinking about it more lightly.


Instead of "It's okay to be disliked,"
a mindset of "I might be disliked, but let me try saying it"
is fine.


You don't need the courage to be disliked.


Simply put, stating your own opinion
is not necessarily equal to being disliked.

🔳 Continuing to notice

Rather than escaping from living for others,
I think continuing to notice is the realistic path.

It is okay if you don't have an answer,
but it is important to keep asking yourself these questions.


By continuing to ask, you will gradually see the outline of who you are.

Living based on others' expectations is not inherently bad.

However, when that becomes all you have, you disappear.

So, stop and pause from time to time.
Check in with your own feelings.
Pick up on those small feelings of discomfort.


I think that is enough.

Finally, I won't force you to be positive.


Whether or not you are aware of how you are living—
I think that is the only difference.


"I live my life only worrying about what others think."


Just by realizing that,
at the very least, you are not being swept away unconsciously.

Having that awareness means
that you have room to make a choice.


So, I don't think you need to change right away.

But when you eventually want to change,
that awareness will serve as your guide.