I see, so that's what it was—12 to 18 years old, a time of great physical and mental change | Montessori | Development | Parenting | Child-rearing

Just knowing this changes how you see your child,
How you view your child
Developmental Talk Part 4

Hello, this is Totono-u Ouchi🌿

This series uses the developmental stages valued in Montessori education as a guide to
gently observe the nature of children.

In this fourth installment, we share content for those raising teenagers or
for families whose children are about to enter junior high school. You might find new discoveries if you read this while remembering your own teenage years.

Once again, a period of upheaval

Adolescence is a time like being reborn once more.

From birth until around age 6,
it was a period of upheaval where both body and mind changed significantly.

And then, from around age 12,
another big wave arrives🌊

Growing taller,
voice changes.
Not just physical changes, but
their tone of voice may become harsh or stronger.
Their mind also becomes prone to imbalance,
a time of great fluctuation.

Neither adult nor child,
not quite there yet

This period is
the time of transition from child to adult.

They are not yet adults,
but they are no longer children either.

It is a time when they are easily swayed by emotions they themselves do not fully understand.

Hormonal changes
affect not only the body but also the brain.
While the parts of the brain that govern emotions become sensitive,
the ability to judge calmly is still in the process of development.

From a parent's perspective,
they might say things that make you bristle, or do things that make you nervous.

They also care about their appearance.
And,
rather than how they are seen by their parents,
they become sensitive to how they are seen by their friends.

This is not immaturity,
but precisely because it is a process of development.

They are re-evaluating the "self"
they created when they were small.

For example,

values.
Human relationships.
The future.

How will I live my life in society?

While carrying such questions,
swaying and searching,
they gradually refine the contours of who they are.

Connecting while letting go

What is needed at this time is not
getting too close,
nor pushing them away.

Do not interfere too much.
But do not become indifferent either.

Do not give orders.
But remain an ally.

The balance is difficult, but
the attitude of "I support your choices"
is the greatest support of all.

What adults can do

Ages 12 to 18 is a time when, rather than providing answers,
we want to gently support them
so they can choose for themselves and walk their own path.

Children at this age
crave the feeling of gradually cultivating the strength to live on their own.

That is why what adults can do is
to gently support the experience of thinking, choosing, and taking responsibility for their own choices.

For example—

・Listen until the end without giving advice immediately
・Ask "What do you think?" instead of rushing to judge or evaluate
・Keep the home a safe place where they can return and say "It's okay" even if they fail
・Give them opportunities to make their own choices, even small ones

Adolescence is a time when self-esteem is very fragile.

That is why
the attitude of "I trust you"
becomes the most important foundation.

Do not interfere too much, but do not abandon them.

So they can walk on their own,
support them gently from a little behind.

Even if conversations decrease.
Even if the distance feels far.

The gaze that says "I trust you"
is conveyed more than you think.

And,
that home is a place they can return to.

That alone is enough support🌿

Summary

0 to 2.5 years old is a time to encounter the world and feel it completely.
2.5 to 6 years old is a time to touch the world, experiment, and begin to use it with one's own power.
6 to 12 years old is a time to think about and understand the world.
12 to 18 years old is a time to recreate oneself once again.

Even that appearance that looks intense,
while swaying delicately, is certainly within the flow of growth.

"I see, that's what it was"

When you can think that,
surely, your way of facing them will change just a little bit🌿

Even for my own children,
although it is still a little way off, when I think that it will surely come in the blink of an eye,
I wonder what kind of appearance they will show me,
and I feel a mix of excitement and a little nervousness.

Adolescence is
a time for adults to pull back and wait with trust.

May I be able to watch over them warmly today
as they go their own way while swaying🌱

What was your adolescence like?

What was your adolescence like?
Is there anything your parents did for you that made you happy?

If you'd like, please let me know in the comments.

For me,
I felt very annoyed when I was given orders.
Conversely,
when I was trusted and allowed to make my own choices,
with the words "I support what you want to do,"
I remember feeling very happy and, at the same time, feeling a sense of responsibility.

🔗Recommended reading

Happily,
Todoko-san introduced this article🥰

Todoko-san is a mother of three and a former nursery teacher.
She writes about the worries and realizations she feels in the reality of daily parenting in her own words.

Her articles about adolescence and parent-child relationships are impressive, and I often learn from them as well.

Thank you very much for introducing me this time🌱

You can also read the "I see!" for 0-2.5 years, 2.5-6 years, and 6-12 years here🌱

On X, I write about things I feel in daily parenting
and sudden realizations in life.
I would be happy if you could take a look🌿