Discovering a new side of myself?
Having safely finished moving and my final shift,
I read a book for the first time in a while📚
Saying goodbye to a colleague I was close with
was lonelier than I had expected😂
I was supposed to work with my peer on my final shift,
but due to a schedule change, we couldn't work together🥲
I cried my eyes out the day before,
so it seems my peer's presence meant a lot to me😌
I think I will summarize this
in another article later😌
Looking back on my life in the ward and the two years since changing jobs takes a lot of mental and physical energy, so🤷♀️
for now, I'll rest a little and face the things
I'm remembering one by one,
and while soaking in the lingering emotions, I want to write an article
and leave it behind...
I'm sure if I take in too many things, I'll just
forget it all, haha. Before I forget, I want to
leave it here😌
The introduction got long, but this time it's a book review!
By the way, the book I'm introducing is a collection of short stories,
and even though I've only read one story so far,
it feels like it applies to me, or rather🤔
I haven't finished it yet, but I already want to write about it!
I want to introduce it! So I'm writing this🌟
Cat's Prophecy Under the Tree by Michiko Aoyama
This time, I read a work by Michiko Aoyama
for the first time! I had been curious about her,
but never had the chance to pick one up,
so I got this at the Book-Off New Year's sale
and read it slowly in the bath yesterday😌
Unrequited love for a colleague and the heartbreak and parting
linked with my own situation,
and each line felt like it soaked in even deeper...
I'm going to look back on my own feelings
along with phrases from the book!
It's a long post, so please read it
when you have some time😌
"You're amazing, Miharu. Amazing, truly. Instead of moping around or venting by speaking ill of others, you run to forget. There aren't many people as earnest as you."
→ I do speak ill of others,
and I do mope around, but I also have an earnest side that is more than others, yet it feels like that isn't understood.
People say things like 'It's great that you're so level-headed' or
that it's good to move on quickly,
but I thought it was wonderful that someone would describe me as 'earnest' instead of just dismissing it with those words.
"Because, to love someone means that person becomes mixed into you."
I really love this expression.
Because they are mixed into you, you can't easily forget them,
or rather, in a sudden moment, I'd think, 'If it were Dacks, he would say this,' or 'He would do this,'
and I remember.
Things he praised me for, things he told me,
even really trivial things,
feel special somehow, and I remember them🤔
"Unfortunately, it doesn't disappear. You don't have to erase it. That pain doesn't disappear; it changes into something else."
"Something else?"
As I asked, clinging to her words, Tokiko-san chuckled.
"That depends on the person. Whether it becomes something wonderful enough to make someone happy, or something ugly and pathetic enough to drive yourself into a corner, it's up to you."
The more I think I want to forget,
the more I can't.
I want to get out of this quickly,
but instead, I feel like I'm sinking deeper into the swamp.
I really understand that feeling.
I want to turn the feelings I had for someone I loved but couldn't be with
into something wonderful enough to make someone happy.
Ah, I see. Surely, this is what it is. I felt proud that Sakuma-san was mixed into me. I'm glad I met Sakuma-san.
I'm also glad I met Dacks.
By the way, I'm about to cry while writing this article😂
I think that's how big of a presence Dacks was to me.
I'm the type who doesn't try to force myself to forget, and I thought I was the type who wanted to cherish the feeling of liking someone deep inside,
but maybe I was just pretending not to see it
or just acting tough🤔
Reading this work, I feel like I realized that about myself.
I also want to be proud of the self
that loved Dacks😌
I didn't know Tokiko-san thought of me this much. I had only seen one side of her and judged her, thinking, 'Tokiko-san is this kind of person.'
I reflect on the fact that I have that side to me too.
Sometimes people are surprisingly nice when you talk to them,
and the opposite is also true.
I decided not to try to force myself to forget, but to wait.
Until the day this pain in my chest, which still remains, changes into something wonderful enough to make someone happy.
I don't need to act tough or pretend not to see things,
and I need to properly praise myself for the fact that I'm still hung up on it (I can't really tell people because I feel guilty about liking someone who is married, so I haven't been able to process it well) and that I was able to put the brakes on my own feelings properly, right?🤔
It's free to love someone,
so I don't want to deny the time I spent liking Dacks inside me,
and I don't want to make it a bad memory.
Reading this book, I felt that it's okay to keep it inside me until this love turns into something wonderful,
and I feel like my love was validated😌
I've summarized the kind of love I wrote about this time in another article🌟 If you'd like, please check that out too🏰