Are you tired of convincing yourself with the words, "It's just because he's avoidant"?

"It's just because he's avoidant, it can't be helped."
How many times have I told myself that now?

I have the knowledge.
I understand in my head why he leaves messages on read or why he keeps his distance.

And yet, when a message is marked as read and no reply comes,
I still get hurt.
I still feel anxious.

"I know why, so why can't I just be okay with it?"
Thinking that, I end up blaming myself even more.

Today, I will speak honestly from a man's perspective about that feeling of "knowing, yet still suffering."

1. Why "It's just because he's avoidant" doesn't save you

After I learned the term 'avoidant,' I felt a little relieved.
"It's not that he's a bad person, it's just his type."
By thinking that, I tried to get rid of the target for my anger.

But after a while, I realized something.
Even though I understood, the part of me that was hurt hadn't changed.

This doesn't mean your understanding is wrong.
Because "knowing the cause" and "the pain going away" are two different things entirely.

Even if you know the cause of a cold is a virus, your fever doesn't go down immediately.
Just like that, even if you know the reason for his behavior, the current pain of being left on read remains exactly as it is.

2. Knowledge and feelings exist in different places

"Avoidants feel safe when they keep their distance."
"They run away even more when they are chased."

This kind of knowledge is useful for understanding him.
However, the more knowledge you gain, the more you might end up cornering yourself.

"I know this, so why am I getting irritated?"
"I know this, so why can't I pretend to be okay?"

Knowledge is information in your head.
On the other hand, the feeling of unease in your chest when you look at a screen with no reply is a reaction of your heart.

Even if your head understands, your heart is not yet convinced.
That is all it is, and there is nothing wrong with you.

3. Why do you go back and forth between kindness and giving up?

"Maybe he's busy, so it can't be helped."
A few minutes after thinking that,
"I wish he would just tell me clearly."
I end up feeling that way.

This range of emotions, while appearing contradictory, is actually a very natural reaction.

The kindness comes from your desire to protect your relationship with him.
The giving up comes from your desire not to get hurt any further.

Both are emotions that arise precisely because you cared for him.

There is no need to blame yourself for not being able to settle on one feeling.

4. Why "they might come back again" is the most exhausting reason

"I wonder if they'll just pop up and contact me again in a few months."

This prediction is actually what drains your heart the most.

If it were just the current pain, time might solve it.
However, the moment you think, "This might happen again,"
you can no longer see an end to the suffering.

Precisely because you know the avoidant pattern,
you get tired from anticipating the future, thinking "When is the next time?" or "It's going to happen again."

The more knowledge you have, the more you continue to be on endless alert.
This can sometimes be even more painful than having no knowledge at all.

5. Turning knowledge from "acceptance" into "the power to distance yourself"

Let's summarize what we've discussed so far.

The knowledge of what an avoidant type is is not for understanding him, but
originally for protecting yourself.

"It's not his fault, so I'll just endure it."
If you use your knowledge that way, you will only continue to be drained.

Instead,
"An avoidant person sometimes distances themselves. Therefore, I am allowed to distance myself just as much."
Please use your knowledge to protect yourself in this way.

Understanding someone and continuing to accept them are not the same thing.

If you are tired right now,
it may not be because you lack knowledge,
but because you have used all your knowledge only to forgive him.

Will you use your knowledge as a reason to endure?
Or will you use it as a power to protect yourself?

That fork in the road is your next step.

Here is a realistic depiction of what a person who doesn't reply to messages was thinking👇

You have become exhausted by the situation of being left on read.
I have written about how to change the way you deal with the anxiety within you.
This is recommended for those who are prone to anxiety👇