What I wanted my parents to do when school was hard for me.

When I was a child, I hated school.
For me, home was the only place where I felt I belonged.
However, that doesn't mean my parents were people who understood me.

I had an opportunity to talk about that. When I was asked, "What did you want your parents to do for you?", I stopped and thought about it.

On the verge of school non-attendance. What I wanted my parents to do for me.

I think my parents perceived my feeling that going to school was painful as "being spoiled."
"You're soft, you have a weak will, you can't follow through on what you've decided."
This was the assessment of me by my parents and teachers at the time. Unfortunately, I cannot deny it. Because that was actually the case.

When I woke up in the morning, my head or stomach would hurt, and I couldn't get out of bed even though I didn't have a fever. I even thought about how to raise the temperature on the thermometer, and once I broke the thermometer in my bed after failing to create enough friction (they were glass thermometers back then).

I have said "I don't want to go to school," but I have never talked about the reasons why I didn't want to go.
Since I didn't tell them the reason, it couldn't be helped that they thought I was just slacking off.

As I wrote in this note, I didn't want to tell them the reason.
Just because you are a child doesn't mean you can tell adults everything.
"If you would just tell us"
is what adults think, but there are children who seriously think, "I'd rather die than tell you." I was more on that side.

"Since you won't tell us anything, there's no way we can understand you."

My parents probably think that. Now that I am a parent, I think that if my daughter didn't tell me anything, I wouldn't be able to understand her feelings either.

Then, what did I want my parents to do for me?

What did I, who didn't provide the materials for them to understand me, lied to cover things up, and just threw tantrums, want them to do?

I think I just wanted them to accept me.

I wanted them to accept me before they understood me.

People accept others after they understand them in their heads.
"So that was the reason. I see, then it can't be helped, let's take a break from school for a while."

To be convinced, to understand, and then to accept.
That is probably normal.

But I think I wanted them to accept me first. And then, I wanted them to slowly come to understand me.

Without being accepted, I couldn't have discussions to help them understand, nor could I trust them.

"I won't ask for the reason. But if you want to rest, just rest for now. When you can calm down and tell me the reason, try talking to me then."

Perhaps that is what I was hoping for.

It takes time to put reasons into words.

I think it is very difficult and scary to accept something without even knowing the reason.
You don't even know if you will ever find out the reason later on.
However, knowing the reason is just one way to move forward, and it might not be an absolutely necessary condition.
But accepting it is the very first step toward moving forward, and it is an absolutely necessary condition.
It seems to me that acceptance has a higher priority.

The answer to the question,
"What did you want your parents to do for you?"
is, "I wanted them to accept me."

I think that is it.

I wanted them to accept me before they tried to understand me.
Now that I am a parent, I feel deeply how difficult that simple thing is.
I also think that because it is difficult, it must be important.

However,it is even harder for a child to put those feelings into words. It takes a long time to express feelings in language.

When you only get vague answers even after asking, and you feel like you might stop believing in your child,
I just want you to remember that one thing.

See you tomorrow.