A Couple's Opinions on Children's Extracurricular Activities Are Split! Is 'Asking the Child' the Right Approach?
I often present this problem in my housework-sharing workshops.
Flyers for extracurricular activities brought home from daycare.
English, swimming, piano, abacus.
A mom (or dad) who wants to let their child try various activities, saying that starting young is great because they absorb things so well.
On the other hand, a dad (or mom) who thinks it's fine to wait until the child is older and expresses a desire to do them themselves, preferring to raise them in a relaxed environment with hands-on parental care.
The opinions of the two are completely split.
What would you do if you were the couple?
Parents raising children, please take a moment to think about this. What would you do?
There are three major issues that cause conflict in child-rearing.
・Differences in educational philosophy
・What to do about smartphones and games
・What to do about extracurricular activities
These three are issues that can become quite difficult when a couple is in conflict.
In my seminars, I teach what is important for the dialogue when a couple's opinions are split, but that is for another time.
When I pose this question, there is an answer that many parents give. That is,
“Ask the child”
Today, I would like to think about this answer.
▶ Is “asking the child” really good?
Asking the child. I want you to think about this once more.
What does it mean to ask the child?
“Entrusting the decision (mostly) to the child”or“Observing the child's behavior”The approach is completely different even if the phrase “ask” is the same.
▶ You must not entrust the responsibility of a couple's disagreement to the child
Asking the child “because” the couple has different opinions.
I think this is really not good.
Trying to use the child's power to resolve a couple's conflict is too heavy for a child.
Also, what if the child says something you didn't expect?
“I don't want to do it unless it's the same as so-and-so.”
“I'll go if so-and-so goes.”
There are parents who were troubled because the child showed no interest in the content of the activity and only said they would do it if they could play with their friends.
From the child's perspective,
“If you are going to entrust the decision to me, I want you to properly consider whatever opinion I have.”
If the decision is not at a level where you are prepared to take that much responsibility, I don't think you should try to delegate the decision to your child.
This is not just because the child is a preschooler.
If you are going to involve your child in the conversation, I believe it is necessary to have them participate as an equal, on the same level as the parents.
▶ "You decided this yourself, didn't you?" should not be said lightly
"Letting the child decide" can also lead to parents shirking their responsibility.
"You decided you wanted to do this, didn't you?"
If you make them decide for themselves, and then use this ultimate weapon of a phrase when they want to quit, they have no way out.
Not limited to children, you should never take away someone's escape route. Because that can lead to the breakdown of a relationship.
It is so cowardly that the combo of "letting the child decide" followed by "you decided this yourself, didn't you?" should absolutely not be used.
▶ "Observe the child's behavior"
If the child is not at an age where they can participate in the conversation on the same level as the parents,
the parents will have to make the decision while accepting the child's state.
"What kind of experiences do I want this child to have?"
"How do I want this child to grow?"
Lessons and entrance exams are just means to achieve those ideals. That is why you should observe your child closely and have a dialogue as a couple.
When you only talk as a couple, it is easy for the child to be left out of the conversation before you know it.
To prevent that from happening, listen to what your child has to say.
I think this is extremely important.
"Asking the child"
There is a gradation within this phrase.
And even though it is the same "listening to what they have to say," it can lead to completely different approaches.
"Asking the child"
Asking in a way that forces the child to take responsibility for the couple's conflict is not good.
I think it is better to "ask" as proof that the couple is looking at the child in the same way.
Well then, see you tomorrow.
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