My mental health was supposed to have been worn down by work. So, what about my private life? [Depression Experience]

My mental health was worn down by work, especially by interpersonal relationships, leading to depression and a leave of absence.
When I look back at how things were in my private life during that process, I realize I was (and still am) carrying three major worries.

This time, I will introduce a part of that, focusing on the content and its relationship with depression. What becomes visible there?

(1) My daughter's growth

My mental health began to deteriorate at the same time the COVID-19 pandemic started, but my daughter was only two years old.
Even when I took her to gatherings before preschool, she couldn't endure picture book readings and would run wild; even when I took her to places like supermarkets, she would run wild.
She would walk around aimlessly, acting suspiciously as she pleased. And she was a magnificent troublemaker who didn't want to go home, lying on the floor and crying loudly.

Because she was that kind of child, at some point, a public health nurse at the health center recommended that we visit a developmental support center.
Fortunately, the city we live in puts effort into health, and it was lucky that there was a well-equipped facility nearby.

When we visited as a family, it was full of children just like her.
Children running around, children throwing things, children screaming; it was full of variety.
Seeing that, my wife and I agreed that we should take advantage of it, and she started attending.

What will happen to this child in the future?
Should she get a diagnosis?
My wife and I worried about it.

However, that is no longer a major problem for the time being. After a year and a half of attending, my daughter has shown dramatic growth.
When I ask her what she wants to be in the future, she replies 'a part-timer' (she just doesn't know what jobs are), but she seems like she will keep me excited and thrilled in the future.

Did this have anything to do with my depression?
In the sense of whether it was an environment where I could completely relax at home, I don't think it was zero.
However, if you ask me if it was a major factor, that is not the case.
Now she is just cheeky and makes me irritated from time to time.

(2) My own home and the mortgage

We built our house just before the COVID-19 pandemic.
It was after spending two and a half years looking for land. During this time, I spent my days staring at blueprints both at work and at home.

I had no intention of building a house.
Because I wanted to leave room to 'return home someday'.

I changed my mind because my wife wanted to buy a detached house after we got married. I understood well the idea of wanting a place where we could live safely for a long time.
After much conflict, I decided to build it as our final home. (I also considered used houses, but my wife was anxious about them, so that was rejected.)

It took time to find land, and due to the soaring cost of materials before the Olympics, we were well over budget. Although we cut and cut to keep costs down, we ended up with an endless mortgage amount. My down payment looks like trash.

Even now, I cannot forget the moment of the land settlement and the execution of the mortgage.
I signed the documents at the bank and spent 15 minutes chatting with the land agent and the judicial scrivener.
Before I knew it, a huge amount of money had been deposited and withdrawn from my account. The record remained in my passbook without me feeling like I had taken on a mortgage. Scary!

At some point, this huge number of digits became a silent pressure. Even now, every time I zone out, I think, 'Can I pay this back?'

This stress is greater while on leave.
I am somehow continuing to make repayments as before, but I am in the red with just the injury and sickness allowance. I am spending my savings day by day.
Because of that, I cannot stay on leave forever.

Does this have anything to do with depression?
It has an impact. Financial problems are inseparable from mental illness and developmental disorders. This is because no matter how much you rest your body, it has a major impact on your life.

(3) Having no world other than work and family

In a situation where I had worries in both my work and private life, I had no place to escape.
The only people I could consult were my wife or a close colleague. It didn't serve as a change of pace. I thought it was hard to jump into such a community.

I thought many times that I wanted to go back to my hometown.
There is a certain snowplow manufacturing company near my parents' house, and changing jobs might not have been a bad option.
However, now that we have our own home and my daughter has become accustomed to this living environment, it is not realistic to take my wife and child and move them to a land they are completely unfamiliar with.

And so, with no place to escape, I hit a dead end and started my leave of absence.
However, as I wrote in a recent article, I jumped into a third world called note because of this leave of absence, and that is where I am now.

In terms of the impact of depression, it was a 'happy miscalculation'.

Being able to jump into a new place for interaction, being able to organize my thoughts by summarizing the process that led to depression in the form of an article, and the exchanges where I could confide my worries and have them responded to were things that saved me.

I never dreamed that a grown adult would be excited and having fun with #TissueCharacterTest.

Summary

Mental illnesses, not just depression, are largely caused or triggered by continuous stress, with the exception of certain traumas.

In my case, work is clearly the primary stressor.
However, there may be other stressors lurking as well. In fact, it is more common to carry a combination of stresses.
Perhaps it is only after organizing these stresses as well that the path to depression remission becomes visible.

The worry of a loan is a problem you carry for decades until the payments are finished. It is possible that I might end my life without ever reaching remission.
In that case, I guess it's fine since my family will be taken care of by group credit life insurance.
(Is it really fine?)

I am not consciously aware of it, but some of the fog I am currently feeling might be rooted here.
If that is the case, perhaps the fog won't clear up completely unless I reach a situation where I have peace of mind, which means a stable income?

Once you have suffered from depression, your "capacity for stress" definitely becomes smaller. This means you need to pay attention to things you previously didn't recognize as major problems.

I think people who have achieved remission from depression or mental illness are amazing.
However, not all of their solutions will be useful. This is because the triggering stress is different for everyone.
And if you only look at the primary stress, you might be at risk of relapse due to unexpected stress.

This was a story about how I also need to come to terms with my stress.

Thank you for reading this article.
If you could give it a like or leave a comment, I would do a little dancewith joy.
by Tokotokote

Please refer to my self-introduction article for previous posts.

Jointly operated magazine "💗Heart Note📒" is intended for sharing worries and information regarding mental illness, developmental disorders, the gray zone, and therapy. If you are interested, please take a look.