I'm in an endurance battle every night with my daughter who says, 'I'm scared to go to sleep'
"Mommy, I'm scared to go to sleep."
My daughter has been saying this a lot lately.
The first time I heard it, I replied gently,
"Oh, you're scared, are you?"
I thought, maybe she's afraid of the dark.
Maybe she had a scary dream.
Maybe she's afraid of the feeling of losing consciousness until morning.
She must be thinking about all sorts of things in her own little way.
……That's what I thought.
But you know,
when it happens every single night, it's a different story.
I'm only human, after all.
—
9:00 PM, Mom's HP is already at zero.
Wake up in the morning, make breakfast.
Get her dressed.
Get ready while saying, "Hurry up!"
Make dinner, clean up, give her a bath, brush her teeth.
Finally, the bedroom.
Today's work is done.
……Not quite.
It starts from here.
Today's main event: getting her to sleep.
The moment we get into bed and turn off the lights,
"Mommy, I'm scared to go to sleep."
Yes, here we go.
"It's okay. Mommy's here."
"But I'm scared."
"I see."
"I don't want to sleep."
"Yeah."
"I want to stay up forever."
"That's a bit of a problem..."
I look at the clock.
9:10 PM.
Only 10 minutes have passed.
It feels like 45 minutes have gone by.
—
Logic doesn't work on 'scared'
Sleeping isn't scary.
When you sleep, it becomes morning.
Mommy is right next to you.
It's the same bed as always.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
My daughter probably knows that too.
But,
when you're scared, you're scared.
I think adults have this too.
Even if someone tells you, "There's no point in worrying about that," if you're worried, you're worried.
So I don't want to deny my daughter's "scared."
I don't want to, but.
"Mommy, I'm scared."
"Yeah."
"What happens when I sleep?"
"It becomes morning."
"But I'm scared."
"Yeah."
"Mommy, don't sleep."
"............Yeah."
No,
Mommy wants to sleep.
I really, really want to sleep.
In fact, I've been living my whole day just to get to this point.
—
The me who wants to be a gentle mother VS the me who wants her to go to sleep quickly
When she says she's "scared," I want to hug her.
I want to stay by her side until she feels safe.
I want to tell her "It's okay" as many times as it takes.
That's the kind of mother I want to be.
But the real me is thinking,
(Please... just go to sleep...)
While stroking my daughter's head, I'm giving a play-by-play in my heart:
(Is she asleep?)
(Not yet?)
(Did her breathing just get deeper?)
(...Her eyes are open!)
And then, from my daughter who just tossed and turned, comes a voice:
"Mommy?"
"Yes, dear?"
My voice is like a saint's.
But inside, I'm thinking,
You're still awake?!
Mothers are amazing.
The words coming from my heart and my mouth are completely different.
—
And so, 30 minutes pass.
On long days, an hour.
I think it's finally quiet, so I look over.
She's asleep.
The person who was just saying,
"I'm scared,"
"I don't want to sleep,"
"Mommy, stay awake,"
is now sleeping soundly.
Her cheeks are all puffy.
Her mouth is slightly open.
............So cute.
No, that's not fair.
I was just screaming in my heart,
"Just go to sleep already!"
But the moment I see that face,
I think, "You were scared, weren't you?"
And I end up tucking her in again.
What kind of creatures are mothers, anyway?
—
It probably won't last forever
Right now, every night,
my daughter says,
"I'm scared to go to sleep."
But surely, one day she won't say it anymore.
Eventually, the day will come when she gets into bed by herself,
says "Goodnight," and just falls asleep on her own.
When she gets even older,
she might even say, "Mom, you don't need to come in anymore."
............
That would be lonely in its own way.
No, no, no.
Now is not the time to romanticize the future.
She's not going to sleep today either.
Today, too, I'm in the darkness,
repeating,
"Mommy, are you there?"
"I'm here."
I want her to go to sleep quickly.
I really, really want her to sleep.
I want to be free as soon as possible.
But when I see her little hand gripping my clothes, I can't shake it off.
So I'm here again today.
This isn't some noble story about gentle parenting or the right way to put a child to sleep.
It's just,
a daughter who says,
"I'm scared,"
and a mother who says,
"It's okay," while praying in her heart, "Please, just go to sleep."
That kind of night is repeating itself in our home again today.
And probably tomorrow night, too,
it will start with,
"Mommy, I'm scared to go to sleep."
......Yeah.
I get it.
I get it, so.
For now, let's just go to sleep.
Here is a book my daughter has been enjoying reading before bed lately
(▶︎See on Amazon)
Out of all of Shinsuke Yoshitake's books, this is my favorite.
It's fun for parents to read too!
I hope that by reading this book, she'll start looking forward to bedtime.