Getting angry easily doesn't mean you have a small capacity. A way of thinking to organize the primary emotions behind frustration

A way of thinking to organize the primary emotions behind anger

I get frustrated over trivial things.

I overreact to what others say, or
I keep getting frustrated as I recall unreasonable attitudes.

Even though it should be over, anger lingers in my heart.
At such times, many people tend to blame themselves, thinking, "Am I small-minded?", "I need to be more mature", or "It's immature to get angry over something like this."

It is true that there is a saying about having a "large capacity". Generally, it is perceived as an image of someone who doesn't get angry no matter what is done to them, someone patient, or someone tolerant who can let things slide. However, is that really true? Is not getting angry a sign of a large capacity? Is continuing to endure a sign of maturity? Is not being hurt by unreasonable treatment a sign of true strength?

Recently, I have come to think about this term "large capacity" from a slightly different perspective.

When you are prone to anger, your cup is already too full

Imagine that there is a "cup" inside your heart.

Emotions such as anxiety, frustration, a sense of injustice, humiliation, disappointment, and fatigue gradually accumulate there. If there is still room, even if something unpleasant happens, it won't immediately manifest as anger.

However, if the cup is already nearly full, a single word, or a trivial attitude or casual action by someone else, becomes the "last drop," and the anger overflows all at once.

At this time, if you only look at the surface, it might look like you "got angry over something trivial" or that you are "small-minded."

But in reality, that one word is not the only cause. It may just be that the things you have accumulated, the things you have endured, and the emotions you have pretended not to see have exceeded their limit.

Therefore, when anger arises, there is no need to immediately conclude that you are small-minded. The first thing you should look at is "what was accumulating in your cup".

Actually, anger is not necessarily the first emotion to emerge. Before anger, there is always another emotion.
For example, emotions such as the following:

• Anxiety or worry

• Frustration or a sense of injustice

• Humiliation or disappointment

• Fatigue or a sense of helplessness

Here, we call these "primary emotions".

Primary emotions are the honest feelings that are born in your heart first when you face an event. On the other hand, anger can be called a "secondary emotion" that appears when these primary emotions accumulate and overflow.

Even if you only look at your anger, you cannot see your true feelings.
This is because if you stop at thoughts like "I'm furious" or "I can't forgive this," your consciousness turns toward aggression against the other person.

However, deep down,

• "I was actually hurt"

• "I was sad that I was treated lightly"

• "I felt frustrated by the injustice"

• "I was shocked that something I cherished was broken"

there must be earnest primary emotions hidden there.

To organize your anger, you need to carefully look at the "primary emotions" behind it, rather than being swayed by the anger itself.

The "three perspectives" to re-examine when you feel anger

When anger arises, before blaming yourself, it is good to look at the following three things.

1. What were you hurt by?

Being treated lightly.
Not being valued.
Efforts not being recognized.
Dignity being wounded.
Trust being betrayed.

Behind anger, there can be such hurts.

2. What was unreasonable?

Only I am carrying the burden.
I am fulfilling my responsibilities, yet I am treated lightly.
The other person does whatever they want, while only I am enduring it.

Such unreasonableness can intensify anger.

3. What did you want to protect?

People do not get seriously angry about trivial things. To be angry means that there is something there you want to protect.

・Dignity
・Trust
・Peace of mind
・Effort
・Responsibility
・Time
・Important relationships
・Standards you have upheld

When people feel that these have been violated, they get angry.

Therefore, when you feel anger, try thinking about "what you wanted to protect."

Anger is not just a bad emotion.
It is also a sign that teaches you about your own values.

Summary

Getting angry easily does not necessarily mean you are small-minded. Before anger, there is a primary emotion. And when that primary emotion accumulates too much in the cup of your heart, it can overflow as anger.

Therefore, the first thing you should do when anger arises is not to blame yourself. First, look at "what was accumulating in your cup".

Anger is not proof of your weakness. It may be a sign that something within you has exceeded its limit.

Before blaming yourself by saying "I am small-minded," try looking at "what you were hurt by," "what you felt was unreasonable," and "what you wanted to protect."

From there, your true emotions will become visible.
The goal is not to erase anger.

It is to understand your emotions without being controlled by anger.
And to return to a state where you can choose your own actions.

I believe that is what is necessary before blaming yourself for getting angry easily.