[Leave of Absence Diary] The anxiety of 'having no productivity' and days spent getting by in the world of movies
Hello, this is Suika-atama Gosaku. Lately, I have been spending my days getting by with watching movies during the time that has opened up.
As my leave of absence gradually gets longer, there are moments when I am suddenly struck by an intense sense of helplessness. 'What can I even do right now?' I'm not working, and I don't have any particular productivity. Even though I know in my head that based on my past experience, there must have been one or two things I did that were useful to the world, when time spent doing nothing continues, that confidence quickly deflates.
The heart that feels anxious about 'having no productivity' even while happy
Of course, I'm not depressed all the time. I truly feel happy when I'm laughing with my family, and I feel like I'm really enjoying my time as a father. But in a fleeting moment, there is a part of me that calmly interjects, 'No, but I really don't have any productivity right now, do I...' Perhaps training this 'mental strength to endure doing nothing' while on leave is actually the most difficult and important mission.
The 'vicious cycle' brought about by a healthy lifestyle rhythm
'Well, I have time, so let's make losing weight a goal!' Thinking that, I pulled out the Ring Fit and the vibration machine the other day, but... actually, I am currently gaining weight.
The reason is simple. Since I started my leave, my 'lifestyle rhythm is too good.' I eat properly and I sleep properly. It should be the best state for my body, but as a result, my weight increases, and seeing that, I fall into a mysterious loop where I feel down, thinking, 'Ah, I'm no good again.'
Now is the turn for 'practicing not thinking'
When I feel bad, I inevitably get stuck in that loop of thinking. That is precisely why I think what I need right now is to 'just try not to think for a while.'
It's okay not to have productivity. It's okay if I've gained a little weight (it's proof of health!). My answer right now to the question 'What can I do?' is to decide that 'I don't need to come up with an answer right now.'
When I suddenly feel like blaming myself, I will dare to stop thinking and try to escape completely into the world of movies. Everyone, when you feel like you are about to get stuck in a loop of bad feelings, please try to rest slowly without pushing yourself.
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