[For Those with Depression] How to Recover Without Being Bound by Numbers: What I Want to Tell You Who Keeps a 'Leave of Absence Diary'

When browsing social media, I sometimes see posts titled 'Day X of Leave of Absence,' where people record their physical and mental state for that day.
Carefully weaving words to look back on how they spent the day and what feelings were in their heart.
I believe that in itself is a very important and meaningful act.

I myself have told people before that 'when you are struggling, it is good to write down your feelings to organize them.'
By putting the emotions and thoughts swirling inside you into words, the things accumulated deep in your heart gradually begin to unravel.
That is because it has such an effect.

However, I recently realized something.
The act of writing a diary while counting the days of leave may not be effective for everyone.
Especially during periods when recovery is not stable, those 'numbers' can sometimes weigh on you as an unexpected burden.

So this time, I would like to take a slow, fresh look at the act of 'counting' in a leave of absence diary.

Mental recovery cannot be measured by numbers.
That is precisely why, why don't you reconsider how you interact with 'numbers'?

1. The pros and pitfalls of a leave of absence diary

Writing a leave of absence diary and recording your daily thoughts and events is very useful for organizing your mind.
The act of writing has the power to make your inner self 'visible'.

For example, by putting things into words, you may realize for the first time, 'Was I hurt by something like this?' or 'I was working harder than I thought today.'
By putting it into writing, your feelings may be organized, and you might get the sensation of being able to take a slightly deeper breath.

However, while there are good aspects, the style of counting numbers also has another side.

A clear number like 'Day X of Leave of Absence' is originally just a record.
But the more mentally weakened a person is, the more they find 'meaning' in those numbers.

'So many days have passed, yet I haven't gotten better.'
'I only have X days of leave left.'
'Others have returned to work faster than this, so what am I doing?'

Numbers sometimes have a 'sharpness' that forces reality upon you.

When your mind is already unstable, that sharpness is felt more intensely.
That is why seeing the number of days of leave every day can sometimes wear down your heart without you realizing it.

Writing a diary is good.
But continuing to chase numbers is a different story.

I want you to try separating these two things gently.

2. The 'impatience' and 'comparison' created by counting

When you count the days of leave, the accumulation of numbers can sometimes feel like it represents your 'own state'.

For example, even if you are actually recovering little by little, it may seem that your progress does not 'match' the increase in numbers.
Unnecessary impatience can arise, thinking, 'It's strange that I'm still in such bad shape even though X days have passed.'

Furthermore, humans are creatures that inevitably compare themselves to others.
On social media, there are posts from people whose recovery is progressing smoothly, and words from people who have already returned to work.

Originally, since everyone's situation and personality are different, it is natural that the speed of recovery differs.
However, if there is an indicator like a number, you end up comparing those numbers with each other.

"I'm the only one being left behind."
"Everyone else is recovering so much faster."
"Will I be able to return at this pace?"

Such impatience and anxiety can sometimes be amplified by numbers.

However, mental recovery varies much more from person to person than you might think.
Even with the same diagnosis, the way symptoms manifest is completely different for everyone.
Environment, personality, past experiences, support from those around you—all these elements intertwine to change the speed of recovery.

It is something that simply cannot be measured by numbers alone.

3. Quietly remembering the 'purpose of your leave' once more

A leave of absence is 'meant for resting'.
It is an important 'safe zone' to calm your mind and ensure you are not hurt any further.

How many days have passed is, in essence, not that important.

What is more important is how much you were able to care for yourself during that time.
How much your body was able to rest.
How much you were able to lighten the burden on your heart.

The essence of recovery lies in the parts that cannot be expressed by numbers and cannot be seen by the eye.

The heart is not like a muscle.
It does not necessarily get stronger in proportion to the amount of effort you put in.
It is not something where you can say, 'I've rested this much, so it's only natural that I'm better now.'

In reality, recovery has its waves.
There are good days, and there are days when you suddenly feel down.
There are days when you feel like you've moved forward, only to be struck by the sensation of sliding back again.

But all of that, including everything, is part of the recovery process.

If looking at numbers creates impatience or guilt, perhaps you need to change the way you look at those numbers a little.

A leave of absence is not a 'race'.
It is not a competition where you 'must recover within a deadline'.
It is not a system designed to make you feel rushed, but a system designed to protect you.

4. How to deal with 'reflection' without numbers

So, how should you reflect on yourself without using numbers?
The answer is surprisingly simple.

What you felt that day, what you were able to do that day, what you couldn't do that day—
Focusing on the 'quality' of those things is what true reflection is.

For example, even if there is the fact that 'I couldn't go outside today,' it doesn't necessarily mean it was a 'bad day'.
It might have been a day where you shed tears and felt your heart lighten.
Even on a day when you couldn't cook and settled for a convenience store meal, there might have been a version of you that tried to get some nutrition.

Numbers won't pick up on these nuances.
But your own words can.

Reflection is not an 'act of judging good or bad,' but an 'act of watching over the movements of your own heart.'

Instead of numbers, use words to be there for yourself.
That alone will make your diary much kinder.

5. Your recovery can proceed at your own pace

Among those who keep a leave of absence diary, some may find that 'using numbers provides a sense of closure and feels good.'
Of course, that is a good method for that person.

However, if there is even a moment where your chest feels tight, there is no need to force yourself to continue the same method.

The pace of recovery is truly different for everyone.
And emotional recovery is something that is hard to see as 'visible results'.

You might not be able to do today what you could do yesterday, or you might feel more depressed than you did last week.
But that is by no means a 'setback'.

While repeating waves, you are definitely moving forward.
Because recovery with waves is the only true recovery.

You don't have to be too bound by numbers.
If numbers become a tool that blames you, it is okay to gently let them go.

What is important is how you felt today.
Whether you were able to cherish yourself even a little.
Whether you were able to listen to your own heart.

Recovery cannot be measured by numbers.
And it is okay to proceed at your own pace.