Taking an interest in others seems to be the first step to conversation
"I'm not good at talking to people..." is something I always think. I found an article online that I was a bit curious about, which was just uploaded recently on 10/8.
It seems that R&G Co., Ltd., a staffing agency, conducted an original survey of 498 working adults who are "bad at conversation" regarding
"Situations/reasons why you are bad at conversation"
"Things you are troubled by because you are bad at conversation"
.
Looking at it in detail...
"Situations where you are bad at conversation" ranking
1st place: Talking to someone you are meeting for the first time
2nd place: Talking in a large group
3rd place: Conversation during a meal or lunch
4th place: Small talk/casual conversation
5th place: Talking to someone you are not very close with
6th place: Talking one-on-one
7th place: Talking to other parents/mom friends
8th place: Talking to the opposite sex
"I'm bad at talking to people I'm meeting for the first time" was the result that an overwhelming number of people felt.
It seems that people find it difficult to find topics or common ground, wondering "what kind of things should I talk about?" and worrying about how far they should pry.
Also, it seems many people feel they are bad at talking in large groups (especially 3 or more people) because they can't keep up with the conversation content or tempo.
Well, I'm the same, so it seems everyone is struggling with similar things... 😅
By the way, Mr. Masahiro Nakamura, Representative Director of Gentle Co., Ltd., who supervised this survey, left the following analytical comment.
What can be read from the above survey results is that there seems to be a fear of having conversations expand or deepen with people with whom a relationship of trust has not yet been built or with whom one has not opened their heart.
Ugh... I remember that all too well...
I have also recently started to feel a fear of getting enthusiastic about a specific person, and right now, the feeling of not wanting others to pry too deeply into my own affairs is stronger.
It's lonely to be completely isolated, but at the same time, I don't want to be clingy, and I feel that my ideal relationship is one where I can leave at any time if it comes to that... it seems. For now.
That's why, honestly, I don't really understand the feelings of people who are doing "oshi-katsu" (supporting a favorite person or character) by enthusiastically following a specific person or character.
In my case, I'm the type who feels more drawn to the works people create than to the people themselves.
No matter who the "singer" is, if the "song" is good, I'll listen to anything.
Even if the artist has a dark past, like Noriyuki Makihara or Chihiro Onitsuka, I will listen to masterpieces like "Donna Toki mo." or "Gekko" as many times as I want.
After all, the work itself is not to blame.
In the same way, if I see a note with a title that makes me think, "That looks interesting?", I'll read it.
It has nothing to do with the follower count or background of the creator who gave birth to that work.
To put it extremely, you could say I'm not very interested in "people".
I could still understand the feeling of being obsessed with "things" rather than "people"... but it's difficult...
Oops, I've strayed quite far from the topic. Let's move on.
Ranking of "Reasons why I'm bad at conversation"
1st: No topics to talk about, 2nd: Caring too much about what others think, 3rd: Cannot expand the conversation, 4th: Getting nervous, 5th: Cannot join the conversation, 6th: Not interested in others, 7th: Cannot organize what I want to say
"No topics to talk about" was the overwhelming majority.
Regarding this, Mr. Masahiro Nakamura offers the following observation.
I speculate that the number one reason for being bad at conversation, "no topics," and the sixth reason, "not interested in others," are essentially the same. In other words, there are "no topics" because you are "not interested in others." If you can take an interest in the other person, topics will naturally appear, and you will be less likely to feel like you "have to make conversation."
In other words, conversation cannot begin unless you first take an interest in others.
Ugh, that's a pretty tough order for me, especially since I just declared that I'm not very interested in "people"...!
Wait, seriously, what should I do... 😨
...Ah, well, for now, shall I start by properly listening to what people have to say?
When I looked it up, I found something called "6 tips for listening that show you are really paying attention".
Turn your whole body toward the person you are listening to
Nod appropriately and provide verbal cues
Acknowledge and empathize with what the other person is saying
Do not interrupt the other person while they are speaking
Summarize and confirm what the other person said
Ask questions about things you are curious or concerned about
...Yeah, I'll do my best.
Also, although it's not in the ranking, I think these might also be reasons why some people feel they are bad at conversation.
At least, this happens to me often.
Getting stuck on words because I keep overthinking, 'Is this really the right way to use this Japanese phrase?'
Having a self-conscious feeling about speaking in the first place because of poor articulation
The fear that 'once a word is spoken, it can never be taken back'
Hesitating because I don't know what words might be a 'landmine' for the other person
Blurting out the opposite of what I actually think because I'm in such a rush to reply
...Somehow, I feel like this all boils down to the number 2 reason, 'caring too much about what others think' 😅
That's why,
Rather than speaking, which demands speed and rhythm above all else, prevents me from saying what I really want to say, and carries a high risk of hurting others,
I prefer
writing, where I can take my time to slowly organize my thoughts, review them before sending, and have a lower risk of hurting others.
That's why I end up saying, 'I love writing more!!'
In addition, the article also includes a "ranking of troubles caused by being bad at conversation" and "ways to overcome being bad at conversation," so please take a look if you are interested.
Oh, by the way, please rest assured that I am not a shill for R&G Co., Ltd., which published the article! (lol)