Episode 18: As a Former Teacher, What I Can Say Now—The Reality of the Educational Field and the Importance of Protecting Your Heart

Introduction

Looking back on the time I worked as a teacher,
I only knew how to "do my best" back then.
For the children.
For the school.
For the colleagues I worked with.
I kept running with those thoughts in mind, but,
before I knew it, my own heart had been left behind.

What I can say now

The teaching environment was always busy.
Lesson preparation, grade-level meetings, event planning,
dealing with problems, and communicating with parents.
By the time one task was finished, the next mountain of work was right there.

As my years of experience increased, so did my responsibilities.
"I must raise their academic ability."
"I must raise the children to be healthy."
"I must create an environment where they can come to school with peace of mind."
I was constantly expected to actually reach those target areas.
But, the feeling of "for the sake of the children" was genuine.
I was facing the children with all my might in my own way.

What I wanted to aim for was "a classroom where everyone can spend time with peace of mind".
The reason lies in my own elementary school days.
I was bullied by older students back then.
I was made fun of for my appearance, excluded from playing,
and sometimes my belongings were hidden.

But, I was not good at expressing my feelings.
I thought it was wrong to use words like "I don't like it," "Stop it," or "Don't do that," and that it would cause more trouble for those around me, so I couldn't say them.
In the end, I just had to keep enduring and putting up with it.
That is precisely why I wanted to create a classroom where not a single child would have to feel sad, and where everyone could feel at ease.
That is what I thought.

As an adult, I was a sensitive person about everything.
(In today's terms, I might be an HSP.)
I would immediately pick up on the small shifts in the atmosphere between people,
and the awkwardness in human relationships.
In the teaching workplace, everyone was working as hard as they could in their respective positions.
Everyone was giving their all for the children.
That is why there were so many tasks where
"no one is at fault, but it won't end unless someone does it."
I would read the room, thinking that if I just worked a little harder, things wouldn't get messy.
So, without realizing it, I kept wearing myself down.

This was even more true for lesson preparation.
I believe that "there is no end to lesson preparation."
No matter how far I went, I would think, "I could do better."
My perfectionist self would not allow me to rest.
There were days when I poured all of my weekends into work.
There were days when I didn't, or couldn't, go home even after midnight.
And when I finally noticed, my mental balance had collapsed.

The time I spent blaming my "incompetent self" increased,
and eventually, I couldn't move anymore.
Looking back, I think I had been "fighting" with myself the whole time back then.

Summary

The job of a teacher is noble and responsible.
But at the same time, it is a job that wears down your heart.
If you think it is "for the children,"
you must first not forget to "cherish yourself."

Only now, I feel like I have truly understood
the importance of protecting my own heart.

📘 Closing

In my "Depression Diary," I write about my mental recovery and daily realizations.
If you felt anything or resonated with this, please let me know in the comments.