I'm so happy right now, I'm going to write it down so I don't forget!

Before I record my current happiness, please let me write about a few small things.

To the stalker... I do not want you to read my work. To keep your promise of not getting involved with me, please stop viewing my content from now on.

To the person who reported to my editor that I was writing about publishing troubles on note... The trust between my editor and me is rock solid. I wrote about it precisely because we have that trust. Since you, an outsider, went out of your way to report it, I assume you are prepared for the consequences. If any unexpected situations happen to you in the future, it will be the result of your own choices. Of course, I am not involved at all. I don't have the free time to try to bring people down, so it is not my doing. Please do not hold a grudge against me.

I apologize for such an eyesore. I feel refreshed now, so on to the main topic (^▽^)

"Work is hard." Having lived for 51 years, I had always thought that. Work is supposed to be hard, and you get paid because it's hard. If it's not hard, it's not work.

That was total crap!! I was cornering myself with such crappy assumptions!! There is fun work in this world!! There is work that is not only fun but also pays you!! I had been deceived!!

The ones who deceived me were my parents (;^ω^). My parents cast a curse on me, thinking it was for my own good. That curse was...

"What your parents say is never wrong." Being pure and innocent, I took these words at face value. I believed that as long as I listened to my parents, I would be happy. I was a fool (;^ω^).

I decided on my education and career by referring to my parents' opinions. Looking back now, I should have just charged ahead with my own ideas! I should have pushed through like a gorilla and insisted on my own opinions!

Because of my parents' belief that education is a waste for women (which is wrong to begin with), I went to a nearby high school because the commuter pass was cheap, and I struggled with computers (I was in the Information Processing Department), which I was bad at. Because my parents strongly recommended it for the sake of appearances, I became a hospital clerk and worked with dead-fish eyes (I am bad at clerical work). After that, I followed my own path, but my parents' curse remained in the back of my mind, and I unconsciously lived the life they wanted. When choosing a job or a husband, I chose jobs and partners that would please my parents and look good to society.

I should have been happy, but for some reason, it was painful (tears). When I consulted others about my pain, no one understood. "Machi, you're too spoiled!" "You're selfish!" "There are many people who are more miserable than you!" I understand now. If I didn't understand the cause of my own pain, there was no way others could understand it. From the outside, my life looked luxurious and comfortable enough, so it was no wonder I was scolded.

Something is wrong... I realized that around the age of 25. Since then, I have repeated a dizzying amount of trial and error. I've only been divorced twice (though that's still a lot!), but I think I've changed jobs about 20 times??

I'm going off-topic for a moment, is that okay? Sorry, as always!

Apparently, I look like a party girl. I am often misunderstood as having a lot of experience with men. And when I reveal the number of people I've been with, people are surprised at how low it is. I apparently look like I've been with a hundred or even a thousand men, but one hand is enough to count them. In fact, I have fingers to spare.

And going further off-topic. I'm sorry!

I don't understand the point of condoms. I wonder if it's appropriate for a pure, righteous, and beautiful children's book author to mention condoms, but I really don't understand the point. Why use a condom? If you aren't prepared to carry the other person's child, is it okay to do that kind of thing?? I only do it when I think, "I love this person! I want this person's child!" I don't understand the point of doing that with someone if it would be a problem to conceive a child. Therefore, basically, I don't use condoms. It's raw. I think it's wrong for a children's book author to say "raw," but it's raw.

Returning to the subject. Let me get back to the story.

I failed many times in marriage and work, and little by little, I corrected my course. It's a waste to be bound by the incomprehensible values of social appearances; sometimes what parents say is wrong; because it's my life, I have to take responsibility for it myself. You shouldn't blame others. What is a life that I can be satisfied with??

The answer was super simple! It's just one word.

Do you like it, or do you hate it?

That was all it came down to. I spent 51 years struggling just to find these few words!
If you like yourself, you can charge ahead! No matter how tough it gets, it won't be painful! And if you hate it, it's exhausting!! You'll want to die! And you might even try to actually die (← speaking from experience)!

Since I've gone to the trouble of being born, I want to be happy!! To do that, I only want to do what I love!!

I've reached where I am now as a result of thinking that way and pursuing what I love♪♪ I've caused a great deal of trouble for those around me. But, I'm sorry. Please forgive me, as I will repay the trouble I've caused to someone else, somewhere. I don't want to suppress myself for some vague, crappy reason like the possibility of inconveniencing someone.

That said, it's difficult to go through life based only on a binary choice of like or hate (;^ω^). I realized this fact around last year. That's so late (;^ω^)

There is a deep, wide chasm between like and hate. How can I bridge this gap? I thought about it for years. And when I gave that chasm a name, the problem was solved.
[[phN_open]]That name is...[[phN_close]]

It's not that I like it, and it's not that I dislike it. It's neither.

I'm sorry, that's so obvious. You probably think I'm an idiot. I am an idiot. But being 'neither' is important!!

Basically, I judge things by whether I like them or dislike them. If I like it, I do it; if I dislike it, I don't. I only want to do work I like, and I only want to associate with people I like. But what is work I like? Who are the people I like??

However, I eliminate what I dislike with all my might! I run away from things I hate with everything I've got! But after eliminating everything I dislike, it doesn't mean only things I like remain. Things that are 'neither' remain. What am I supposed to do about this??

Let me give you a concrete example. Job hunting. I want to do work I like. But what on earth is work I like? I was worried about this until recently. Sometimes they won't hire me even if I like the job, and in the first place, I don't know enough jobs to even say what I like or dislike. I can't decide what I like or dislike based on my own tiny set of values.

That's when I thought of 'neither.' I don't like it, and I don't dislike it. It's neither. How about choosing a job from this category??

One thing I want to tell you is that 'you should avoid what you dislike with all your might.' When you approach something thinking you dislike it, there are indeed many things you end up disliking about it. Or maybe it's the other way around? It's because you think you dislike it that you do. Since it's painful to do things you dislike, I think it's better to avoid them.

When I was looking for a job, I thought of several conditions.

・Short hours, because I want to devote everything to writing.
・A job that doesn't require much brainpower, because I use my brain too much for writing.
・Light physical work to maintain my health, since I don't move my body while writing.
・I'd like to talk to people if possible, because writing is lonely.

I'm surprised at myself just writing this down. How much am I devoting to writing? (;^ω^)
Furthermore, my conditions were that it had to be within cycling distance and have decent pay. Will I find anything with such selfish demands??

For that reason, I gave up on looking for a part-time job based on 'like.' At worst, it's fine as long as I don't dislike it. I'll look for a job that is neither liked nor disliked. When I looked for a 'neither' job, I found one. It's a cashier job where I work short hours, don't use my brain (too much), do light work, and get to talk to customers. I've never been a cashier, so I don't know if I like it or dislike it. It's neither. Oh well. Let's give it a try.

Before I started the part-time job, I had a long-cherished wish! It was, 'I want to work while humming!!' Previously, I had high-pressure jobs involving domestic violence and abuse where people's lives were at stake, so I didn't have the luxury of humming! I want to work while casually humming♪♪

At first, I didn't have the peace of mind, so humming was impossible. But one day, I realized I was humming♪! I did it! I've become able to work while humming!!!!!!!!!! It took me 51 years to achieve this long-cherished wish!!
It's been a long road! I broke free from my parents' curse, repeated self-reflection, ran away with my tail between my legs many times, and thought it was all over! But I managed to make it work!!!!!!!!

I thought there couldn't be any happiness greater than this. It's not painful to go to work! I want to tell the version of myself from back then, who used to go to work crying and come home crying! There are jobs in this world you can do without crying!!

Yesterday was my day off from my part-time job. I woke up late, did my laundry at a leisurely pace, and took my time cooking a delicious meal. I spent the day in a good mood and felt happy♪♪ But if I'm alone for too long, I get bored. If that's the case... ,

I wish I could have gone to work instead (^▽^)

Aaaah!! I'm enjoying my part-time job more than my days off!! Until now, I worked with only my days off as my emotional support, and my life was one where I felt sad when my days off ended, but now I enjoy working!! I look forward to working efficiently while joking around at my part-time job!! And I even get paid for it!!
How happy I am!! This is a first for me!!

Before I knew it, I had become happy♪♪ I'm recording this here so I don't forget it♪♪

Huh?? Are you asking if the stalker and the unsettling things at the beginning of the article don't affect my happiness? Well, it's not just the stalker; the future of my publishing is also uncertain (;^ω^). But that's okay! I'm sure things will work out somehow (^▽^)/. Instead of worrying about the future, I want to focus on the small happiness right in front of me and feel happy! ♪♪

Thank you so much for reading this far (^▽^)/. I hope you have a wonderful time humming along happily too! ♪♪