[Novel] I Committed Suicide to Find a Way to Live (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1.

The value of one's own existence and that of others

[16]

“Come to think of it, I haven't told you my name yet. Call me 'Sae'.
This girl here is 'Mika'.

Sae pointed to the girl behind her.

Sae pointed to the girl behind her.

She looked to be about a third-grader in elementary school. She was a girl with beautiful blue eyes. Mika-chan seemed to be hiding behind Sae the whole time, watching me.

“Mika is my daughter. The reason her eye color is different is because of her father's blood.

Her father has passed away, though. Because of this eye color, she went through a lot and couldn't go to school anymore, so she helps me with my biology research.”

I said without thinking,

“'Went through a lot' because of her eye color... Could it be bullying or something?

...Why? Even though they are such a beautiful color.”

I said they were 'beautiful' without thinking too deeply, but when Mika-chan heard that, she widened her blue eyes behind Sae, and hurriedly pulled her body further behind Sae.

“Yes, bullying.

Humans are truly pathetic, aren't they... They can't accept existence that is different from their own, and they try to exclude it...”

I felt like I could see something like a pitch-black aura coming from behind Sae.

They must have had a really terrible experience as mother and daughter.

I was bullied too, so I understand the feelings of the 'excluded side' very well.

“Thank you for saying they're beautiful. See, Mika, I told you, didn't I? It's not like everyone you meet will say 'you're strange'.”

Mika-chan timidly peeked out
from behind Sae-san again.

Looking closely, she was quite cute.
I felt a bit embarrassed and
looked away.

Seeing me look away,
Mika-chan looked a little
sad.

If she thought I looked away
because I thought her blue eyes
were strange, she might be sad.

“...I was bullied because
my eyes looked mean.

Do you know what sanpaku eyes are?
My pupils are set high,
so it looks like I'm
always glaring at people.

I’m not actually
glaring at anyone.
But everyone would hit me,
saying, ‘You were glaring, weren't you?’

…I think it was probably just
a way for them to relieve stress.

Even those who didn't hit me
would just watch from afar
and laugh, saying,
‘Taro is getting picked on again.’

I often thought, ‘If only I didn't have eyes like these’...

But Mika-chan’s eyes,
unlike mine,
are incredibly beautiful and cute,

so I think you should be confident.”

…What am I saying?

That’s a bit embarrassing.

As I was thinking that,
Sae-san, with a stern look on her face,
pinched my cheek again.

“Could you stop hitting on my daughter
in front of her mother...?”

“Hya, I’m not hitting on her...!
Ouch, ouch...”
(No, I’m not hitting on her, ouch, ouch)

Seeing that, Mika-chan
laughed out loud.
Seeing Mika-chan laugh,
Sae-san let go of me
and laughed along with her.

“...Thank you, Taro-kun.”

Seeing the two of them smile,
I couldn't help but smile too.

Talking and laughing with people,
it’s been such a, such a long time.

[17]

So, it looks like you're okay with
returning to the town where we used to live
with us, right?

Sae-san said.
I nodded.

However, there was something
that had been bothering me a little.

This island is probably
forcibly balancing its living creatures
to be
"cat-rabbit-centric".
It's all set up that way.

A paradise for cat-rabbits
with no natural predators.
But is that really
happiness?

Because I now
wanted to leave
a "world without natural predators",
this bothered me a bit.

Mogemaru...
is it really okay for the cat-rabbits
to just stay on this island?

Like... wouldn't it be more...
natural to live in a world
where other creatures exist too...?

When I asked that timidly,
Sae-san made a slightly bitter face.

The world is essentially
a place where various ecosystems intertwine
to maintain a balance.

The food chain.
You understand that if you're in middle school, right?

There are insects, birds that eat insects,
there is grass, there are herbivores...

and then there are carnivores
that eat birds and herbivores.

Carnivores are often thought of
as scary, but...

if carnivores disappear,
herbivores will keep increasing,

and if herbivores increase,
the grass will stop growing.

If the grass stops growing,
herbivores will
run out of food and die,
and the entire ecosystem
will collapse.

That's why carnivores that eat herbivores
are actually
necessary.

The world is built upon
the cycle of life and death of various creatures.

...That's why this island,
which only has herbivores, is very unnatural.

I'm a biologist, so
I know that very well.

Sae-san picked up
Mogemaru, who was at her feet.

There are other existences
as unnatural as this island...
but...Taro-kun, do you knowwhat they are?

I somehow knew.
The most unnatural existence in the natural world.

It is human beings.

Humans... are they?

...Yes. Humans. There is a place in Japan called Okunoshima.

It is a place where humans visit in search of healing, as an island where rabbits live.

When a rabbit comes to their feet, humans try to feed it.

Tourists who don't conveniently have carrots on them end up giving the rabbits whatever bread or biscuits they happen to have in their bags.

It's not a give-and-take relationship like the cat-rabbits have. It's also not the relationship one has with a pet they are responsible for raising themselves. When feeding wild animals, there is only an irresponsible sense of 'bestowing' there.

They don't even think about what the other party wants. 'I'm happy to give them some food and watch them eat it.'

I think that is a truly terrible mindset that looks down on other living things.

The rabbits on Okunoshima sometimes get sick and die from the food that humans feed them indiscriminately.

They don't even realize that they are causing the other party to suffer for their own self-satisfaction.

Not every living thing other than humans exists for the sake of humans. I wanted to protect the cat-rabbits, who have the wonderful habit of mutually recognizing the value of what they can do and what the other can do,

...I just didn't want to let such humans touch them.

I didn't want cat-rabbits to become mere 'healing' for humans.

I hate humans, but... ...but...

In the end, I suppose I am only thinking about my own feelings, too...

That is why I have confined these children to such a small island.

In the end, this island, too... is an island created by my own human ego.

Sae-san stroked Mogemaru's head, looking very sad.

I didn't really understand what was right.

[18]

"Taro-kun..."
you said you committed suicide
because you thought you had no value.

Cat-rabbits
do 'nothing' to those
who have 'nothing'.

The number of apples
lined up before you...
the number of cat-rabbits
that were sleeping
clinging to you...

To them, you were
a 'valuable' existence.

...Please, just remember that."

I have no value and nowhere to belong.
Thinking that, I threw myself
off that cliff, but

that wasn't the case.

The cat-rabbit... Mogemaru
taught me
that.

"I don't think human value
is something you decide
for yourself.

Actually,
what determines your value
is the others around you.

And,
the value you decide
is the others beside you.

'I'm glad you're here'

If there is someone Taro-kun can think that about,
value is born for that person
just from that.

And, if there is even one person
who thinks that about Taro-kun,
your value in the human world
is not 'nothing'.

When you return over there, Taro-kun,
I want you to find someone
who can prove your value.

If you look at the cat-rabbits,
you understand, right?
You don't have to possess
every ability.

Just one thing
that the other person lacks.

That is enough.

Just by having that,
Taro-kun should be able to become
a 'valuable existence'
to someone."

You cannot decide
your own worth.

I was the one who arbitrarily decided I had no worth
and tried to die.

In that other world,
did I truly have
no worth?

To confirm that,
I am going back to where I came from.

Well then, let's leave the island.

[19]

When I went toward the beach,
there was a small boat.

Once I board that,
it will be goodbye to this island.

Sensing something,
many Mogemaru
followed behind me.

A few of them clung
to my feet,

and it was as if
they were trying to stop me
from leaving.

Seeing that,
I felt a little
lonely.

"Can I..."
"come back to this island"
"again...?"

I asked
Sae-san.

Seeing me
surrounded by Mogemaru,
Sae-san smiled.

"If you can become"
"a 'person of worth'"
"to me..."
"I might bring you back."

A 'person of worth'
to Sae-san.

I still don't know
what kind of existence that is,
but

I want to meet
Mogemaru again.

[20]

I boarded the ship and looked at the island. The
small island where I spent about three months with Mogemaru.

On the shore of the island,
many Mogemaru
had gathered.

"I'm sure I'll
come to see you again."

I whispered softly.

The ship began to move slowly.

The small island
became even smaller
and

in the blink of an eye,
it disappeared from view.

*

It took about ten minutes by boat
to reach the land
where I was born and raised.

"It was surprisingly
close by..."

"Well, it's the kind of distance
you'd drift to by chance
after jumping into the sea, so this makes sense."

Sae-san laughed.

"Well then,
thank you very much."

I said goodbye
to the two of them.

"...Here."

Sae-san handed a business card
to me.

"If you find your own value,
contact me here.

...I'll be waiting."

I gripped that business card
tightly.

To meet Mogemaru again,
I will try to do
what I can.

Mika-chan,
from behind Sae-san,
looked at me and

"See you later."

was all she said.

Not goodbye, but
"See you later" is
a greeting for meeting again.

I felt like I would
surely meet them again,
so I returned the greeting.

"...See you later."

[21]

I honestly don't remember
what kind of face I had
when I returned home.

But, the fact that my mother
hugged me with a look
I had never seen before,

and that my father
apologized to me repeatedly.

And, that
my mother's cooking,
clean clothes, and
a warm bath

made me truly happy and blessed,

and that I finally realized
how blessed I had been
with things I had taken for granted,

I finally realized it
right then and there,

and while we were all
eating together...
before I knew it,
we were all crying.

I am truly sorry
for trying to throw my life away.

Thank you for everything.

I will live.

Epilogue

"Excuse me! You're the picture book author,
Taro Sato, right!?

I absolutely love your
picture books."

"I just bought your
newest one...
Could you... please sign
this for me...!?"

While I was shopping at the bookstore,
a woman suddenly
approached me with
sparkling eyes.

It was so sudden
that I was a bit surprised,
but I gladly
accepted her request.

"...Thank you very much.

If it's not too rude...
would you mind telling me
what it is you like
about my work?"

"At first, I bought them
thinking they were children's books.

But as I read through
the series,
I found myself hooked.

How should I put it...

"Living is wonderful."

After reading it,
I get that kind of feeling.

I couldn't help but
smile at the woman.

That is... exactly what I
wanted to convey most.

Through my work,
the fact that there is someone
who can feel that
makes me very happy.

Reading my work

Only when what I wanted to convey
reaches the reader...

does my work
gain value.

Thank you for
giving value
to my work.

When I gently returned the signed picture book
to the woman,
she held the book to her chest
with a dreamy look on her face.

If I read this new work,
I'm sure I'll have a wonderful
feeling again.

Saying that, she bowed
and ran off.

...That was the look of someone in love.

Beside me, my wife narrowed her blue eyes
and looked a bit annoyed.

Seeing my wife's angry face,
I remember the day she pinched my cheeks
and I can't help but laugh.

As the years go by,
you're looking more and more like your mother.

Why are you laughing?

If I keep grinning like this,
my wife might pinch my cheeks too.
I answered in a hurry.

No, the person she is
in love with is
'the work of me and Mika'.

Because Mika draws pictures
that are perfect for the world I depict,
I am able to create stories.

It's precisely because you understand
what I want to convey better than anyone
that you can draw those pictures, right?

It's okay.

To me, Mika, you have always been,
a very important person.

When I said that, my wife
turned bright red
and looked away.

...!

...How can you
so shamelessly
say things like that...

I gently
held Mika's hand.

"It's bad for the baby
if you're angry.

...Grandma will
scold you."

Mika said with an
embarrassed smile.

"Let's go visit the island
before the baby is born.

Our new picture book, Taro...
We have to read it
to the Mogemaru, too."

That's right, after all,
the protagonist of the picture book Mika and I are making
is Mogemaru.

I brought the Mogemaru,
who only exist on that island,
out into the world
in the form of a story.

In the blink of an eye,
Mogemaru's fans grew.

You guys really are
truly wonderful creatures.

Sae-san is still
undecided about whether to bring the Mogemaru
out into the world beyond that island.

The answer to that has yet to come.

I don't know what the right thing to do
with that island and the Mogemaru is.

...But

there is one thing I can say.

"Every life
holds precious value
to someone."

I will simply
continue to convey that through my work.

...I believe that is
my way of paying forward
the many apples and the warmth
you gave me
back then.

The End

Mini Afterword

To those who read until the end,
thank you.

I was driven by the urge to draw
the two of them looking happy as adults
in the final scene,
but I have so much to do,
so I'll give up on that this time--!

As Taro-kun says
at the end...

It is not the author,
but the reader,
who gives value to a work.

So, if you could leave some feedback,
it would mean you've recognized the value of my work,
even just a little,
and I would be very happy!

Also, support from the bottom of the page is possible starting from 100 yen,
so please feel free to support me
with the same casual feeling as buying a drink at a convenience store,

and I would be so happy...!

2022.5.10 16:00 Update

https://twitter.com/mizutanias/status/1523515908051783682

When I tried tweeting the novel as a continuation of the manga on Twitter, a surprisingly large number of people were able to read this story.
Until then, I think I only had about 10 likes, so I never expected to receive over 600 likes, and I am very happy.

I received many warm comments in the reply section, such as people being encouraged by reading the work or deciding to live.
For me, I am happy that I was able to move people's hearts with my clumsy work.

As a token of my gratitude, I drew a scene after the epilogue where the two of them went to see Mogemaru.
I hope that the happy atmosphere of the two and Mogemaru is conveyed even a little.

To everyone who read it, everyone who gave feedback, and everyone who supported me...

Thank you so much.

After that, I wrote about my feelings on note too...!
I really have nothing but gratitude...