I Wanted to Be Nami Kishida #day26

If anyone fits the description of being oblivious to their own limitations, it must be me.

Nami Kishida is, quite literally, a popular writer born from note.

The articles she wrote while working as a company employee caught the eyes of readers and caused a huge sensation. Before she knew it, her fans (followers) exploded in number, and she became an independent writer. Numerous essays she published on note were turned into books, and later became such a hot topic that they were even adapted into a TV drama (*). It is a Cinderella story straight out of a picture book.

I was sooooo jealous.

I was sooooo frustrated.

I was so frustrated that for a while, I couldn't even bring myself to read Nami's note.

If I may say so without fear of criticism, I even thought that the many hardships that befell the Kishida family might have been given to her by God so that she could become a writer. My heart was so clouded with frustration that I felt that way.

It has been about three and a half years since I started this note. I had written on a different account before that, so I might have been writing for nearly five years in total.

The reality is, as you can see, I don't even come close to Nami.

But, you know.

Even if I were in the exact same circumstances as Nami, I surely wouldn't have done the same things, nor would I have written the same things.

That is what I think now.

There is no way I would have had the courage to reveal my face and real name and write about my family like that.

charging at a professional writer while holding a rice paddle bigger than my own face or using the 100,000 yen special cash payment for COVID-19 relief as the seed money for the prize to host the Kinari Cup writing contest—I lack the planning ability and drive to do things like that.

It goes without saying, I suppose. There is a world that only I can see, and there is a place and a way of living that only I find comfortable.

Even if I worked myself to death and acquired the same skills as Nami-san, I could never be Nami Kishida, and I don't need to be.

Only recently have I been able to truly feel that way, not just in my head, but in my heart. When I did, the tension in my body just melted away, and I felt relieved.

There was a time when I hoped I could make someone happy or encourage them with my words. But even that started to feel arrogant, so now I write for myself. To entertain myself, to save myself.

Writing for myself might just be my starting point. Writing is simply fun. I have the same feeling lately that I had as a child, when I was absorbed in searching for the right words.

Come to think of it, back then, my dream was to "write a novel" and "publish a book."

I'm so busy with what's right in front of me that I usually keep that dream tucked away in the deepest corners of my memory, but I have never forgotten it. Someday, I want to make it come true, for my own sake.

And,by writing, I want to acknowledge "myself." The me who is nobody, the me who isn't imitating anyone else.

#WritingClub
#ThisIsWhoIWantToBeByWriting

*The drama "It Wasn't Because I Loved Them, They Were My Family" is currently being rebroadcast on NHK General every Tuesday at 10:00 PM. The protagonist, Nanami, is played by the currently trending actor Yuumi Kawai. The second episode that aired the other day made me cry... I highly recommend it, so please watch it!

Well then, see you tomorrow!

#66DayWritingChallenge
#66DaysOfDailyPosting
#day26