What I Saw in My Mother's Gaze Was Kindness, Fear, and Love

My mother was, by nature, a person who cared deeply for her family.

My father had a chronic heart condition, and my mother was always more worried about it than he was. She strictly adhered to a low-salt diet for his meals and was extremely attentive to whether he forgot his medication or if there were any changes in his physical condition. I think she worried so much that she was constantly nagging him.

Beyond his health, my mother's attentiveness was thorough in other ways as well.

For example, our daily dinner. To ensure she could serve a hot meal when my father returned, she would calculate his arrival time based on the train schedule and work backward from there to prepare each side dish one by one.

Therefore, if my father didn't arrive at the time she expected—because the train was delayed or he missed a connection—she would immediately become irritable.

She would glance at the clock while stirring the miso soup, repeatedly turning the heat on and off. "He should have been at the station by 9:10, he's so late," she would mutter to herself, her words gradually becoming sharper.

As a child, I always felt that this wasn't attentiveness, but rather control...

Because of this, the gaze my mother directed at me was both a source of kindness and a source of fear.

There were days filled with warm smiles, but there were also many times when I felt a strong will that refused to forgive anything that didn't go her way.

I won't go into detail here, but in the past, there were several events that still make my heart race just thinking about them.

After reflecting on her various words and actions, I arrived at the thought, "Could my mother be a toxic parent?"

While watching various videos during the COVID-19 pandemic, I learned that the category of toxic parents includes not only those who cause physical or sexual harm but also those who exert psychological control.

Until then, I had never imagined that my own mother could be a toxic parent, so I was incredibly shocked. On the other hand, I also felt a sense of relief. It felt as though I had finally identified the source of the unease I had carried for so many years.

Because of that, I felt I could forgive myself for not being able to cry at all when my mother passed away later on.

As more time passed, when I delved into my mother's childhood family environment, I realized that she herself had been starved of affection from her own parents. When I think about how she raised me while carrying her own wounds, I even feel a sense of gratitude.

My mother is no longer in this world. Therefore, we can never understand each other again.

However, lately, I find myself remembering my mother's warm gaze more often.

When I find the sweets my mother used to love, when I visit the shops we went to together, or when I press my hands together in prayer before her memorial tablet... it is always my smiling mother who comes to mind. Since she has already passed away, perhaps I am just conveniently idealizing her.

Even so, I feel like the snow has finally begun to melt, and it feels somehow very ticklish.

#noteDeNoelLetter




▼ I am participating in Rin Kiki's note de Noël. Day 6 Theme: Gaze