Tennis Improvement Memo 470. Hate the Sin, Not the Person—The "Most Important Point" for Understanding Self-Esteem

▶ Does praising yourself increase self-esteem?

Yahoo Topics featured an article on "methods for improving self-esteem by a psychological counselor."

Does this article really raise self-esteem?

To summarize the content:

I felt a sense of discomfort after reading it...

▶ You don't need conditions!

To praise, you need conditions for praise.

The counselor in the article mentioned "when you swim 1 kilometer."

Other than that...
When you wake up early?
When you didn't get angry?
When you were kind?

"Because I was able to do XX"

No matter how much you pursue these conditions for praise, your self-esteem will not increase.

Waking up early, not getting angry, being kind, etc., onlybuilds confidence in what you were able to do.

Even if you learn to ride a bicycle, your self-esteem does not increase.

That is onlybuilding confidence that you can ride a bicycle.

▶ Accept without conditions

Instead, self-esteem is a positive feeling toward oneself obtained through the acceptance of "as is," without conditions.

In other words, as long as it is accompanied by the "condition" of "because of XX," it can even be said to be the exact opposite of "as is".

Praise like "You're a good girl for helping out" isconditional on "being able to help out"so it is different from affirming the girl herself.

Rather, it even becomes a"prohibition"that says "a girl who doesn't help is no good," so you could say that praise is like setting a time bomb that will eventually destroy self-esteem.

If you want to show appreciation, instead of evaluating, I think you shouldjust convey the facts, such as "It helped me that you helped out".

▶ The "most important point" for understanding self-esteem

"As is" is a receptive way of looking at people and things, thinking"everyone has their own circumstances"even if they oversleep, get angry, or are unkind.

Of course, I am not saying that "it's okay to oversleep," "it's okay to get angry," or "it doesn't matter if you are unkind."

That is a separate matter.

This is the most important point for understanding self-esteem.

▶ Hate the sin, not the person

To put it simply, like the saying "hate the sin, not the sinner," it is"hate the sin, not the person"(*Note 1).

Even if there is a problem with their words and actions (as it subjectively seems), the background to why they had to say or do that—being exhausted from staying up all night, having trouble with children, having worries about nursing care, being in despair over a breakup and having no emotional room, or even the environment in which they were raised—issomething only that person knows (and even they may not know well), due to some circumstances.

When you can think about that, your way of looking at people and things changes a little more rationally, and the true value lies in"being able to be calm yourself"as you think, "Well, it's no wonder they did (became) that way."

▶ "Praise" is counterproductive

Therefore, it is completely different from affirming the "sin."

At the same time, it is also completely different from affirming the "merit."

This is the most important point for understanding self-esteem.

It is not that "it's okay to oversleep," "it's okay to get angry," or "it doesn't matter if you are unkind."

In tennis, it is not saying that it's okay to make mistakes, it doesn't matter if you lose, or that you are great because you won.

Setting aside those "merits and demerits," the focus is on accepting yourself and others "as is" by thinking about various circumstances.

Praise is not effective for increasing self-esteem.

You might be tempted to do it, but it ends up having the opposite effect.

This is because conditional affirmation like "because you were able to do XX" is positioned at the opposite end of "as is" self (or other) affirmation.

▶ Acting like a "good person" in search of "likes"?

Even if you give yourself a reward, your self-esteem will not increase.

Finding reasons to prepare rewards.

This is like saying "I cannot have self-esteem without a reward (a condition)."

"Keeping people around who will praise you on a daily basis" is out of the question.

It's as if you are treating people as objects to use for your own "praise," which is far from respecting the other person.

Of course, it is certainly grateful to have someone by your side who will listen to you without adding subjective advice, but that has a different meaning from "securing people to praise you."

Furthermore, that is"approval desire," not "self-affirmation".

In your search for "likes" and "praise," you end up acting like a "good person" and losing sight of your "as is" self.

In search of the pleasure of dopamine, you might even end up "lying" in some cases, and the brain's internal drugs can build up tolerance and escalate.

▶ When "difficulty in living" turns into "ease of living"

It is certain that without self-esteem, you will be plagued by "difficulty in living," such as prioritizing others over your own opinions, convenience, or physical condition, becoming exhausted from being overly considerate, becoming prone to snapping, or having a default state of being in a bad mood; however, you must be careful, as the wrong approach can actually exacerbate these "difficulties in living."difficulty in livingto which you are plagued, but you must be careful because the wrong approach can actually exacerbate these "difficulties in living."

In other words, I believe that having self-esteem leads to "ease of living," such as being able to cherish yourself, control your relationships, being less easily hurt, being able to remain calm, and being trusted because you are honest.ease of livingI believe it leads to.

And "difficulty in living" will change to "ease of living" at the appropriate time once self-esteem has taken root through "acceptance as you are," without any conditions..


*Note 1 Regarding "Hate the sin, not the sinner".
If you use the common phrase "Hate the sin...", "hatred wells up," so from the perspective of self-affirmation where "you become calm," it does not fit with rationality.

Instant Tennis Improvement Tips TENNIS ZERO
https://note.com/tenniszero

For inquiries, opinions, and consultations, please contact us here.
tenniszero.note@gmail.com