Novel Memories Vol. 1

"You are a late bloomer, after all."

The words my wife often said to me while she was alive come to mind.

My wife is a liar.

I have not achieved anything in this life.

The dreams I chased. The ambitions I held in my heart. The scenery I never saw.

I am ending my life without having reached anywhere.

But

I wonder why.

My heart is filled with an indescribable sense of happiness.

Why is that?

I am lying on my back.

I can see the dingy, cream-colored ceiling.

I am on the verge of death.

Do I feel the fear of death?

No, I didn't feel it at all.

I feel very peaceful.

Perhaps it is because the medication is working.

I don't even feel any pain.

I feel great.

To feel great on the verge of death is...

It is somehow strange and funny.

But since it is going so well, it cannot be helped.

I am, right now, supremely happy.

Memories appearing and disappearing in my brain one after another.

At this point, I do not even know if they are correct memories.

I do not know if they are dreams I had long ago or things that actually happened.

The scenes just vividly emerge, as if they were right there.

Seeing with my eyes, hearing with my ears, smelling with my nose, tasting with my mouth, and touching with my hands.

Days that are so nostalgic, gentle, and simply, earnestly dear.

My mother's warmth.

My father's peace.

My wife's eyes.

My children's voices.

I can see. I can hear. I can feel.

Right now, it is so vividly beautiful.

In this life, I have not

been able to accomplish anything at all.

I have been chasing after something for so long.

But I could not reach anywhere.

Something called reality, something called society, something called the world.

Nowhere, in no place at all

could I ever fit in.

It was a life filled only with regrets.

But

why is everything so dear to me

and why is it so achingly beautiful?

Why am I smiling?

Why are tears streaming down my cheeks?

I am a man who is dying.

A man who became nothing at all.

But now

I find even that version of myself so dear.

Thank you for being with me

until the very moment I draw my last breath.

Memories on the verge of death.

From now on, I will take a journey with you.

Even though there is little time left,

I am sure memories will transcend time.

The scenery I see from now on must surely be

what true life is, right?