[Soramame Life Essay] It is shameful but useful to wet yourself during the Common Test.

On cold days, I remember that day.

This year, my second son will be a high school senior.

A sense of tension has suddenly begun to drift through our home, but when this time in January approaches, I remember something.

About that time I had locked deep within my heart.

A memory I remember in the core of my body but want to erase.

I have wet myself only once in my life.

It was that cold winter when I was 18, a day I will never forget. It was during the math section of the Common Test, the Center Test at the time.

On the day of the exam, although I was struck by extreme nervousness, I was most confident in the first subject, math.

That was when I stumbled on the second question, and my thoughts stopped in disbelief.

When I realized it, I had spent more time than expected, and looking at the clock, I was stunned to realize I had completely messed up my pacing.

The human brain is a strange thing; it gets cornered and stops working.

Furthermore, my fingertips started to go numb, my urge to urinate became stronger and unbearable, and my thinking became hazy.

By the time I reached the last few questions, only a few minutes remained.

There was a 'cutoff' line where you couldn't advance to the second stage of the exam unless you scored above a certain point for the target national university, so I couldn't afford to fail a single subject.

What should I do?

The urge to urinate is also about to explode.

There is no time to go to the restroom.

I won't make it, I won't make it, I won't make it.

What should I do, this is bad, this is bad, what should I do, what should I do, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad.

Ah!

The moment I realized it, I had released everything.

It happened in an instant.

It was the first time in my life I had wet myself.

And in a public place, at that.

Moreover, it was during the actual exam that I thought was the most important in my life.

I thought, 'What have I done!', but I focused only on concentrating so I could finish at least one question.

It was impossible.

The exam time ended without success.

The last few questions were not finished.

During the break, I wiped the wet chair with tissues so no one around would notice, ran into a private restroom, took off my underwear, wrapped it in a handkerchief, put it in my pocket, and returned to the exam hall pale-faced.

It was an unexpected commando exam.

Perhaps because I had given up, I was able to finish the subsequent subjects without panicking, but honestly, I have no memory of the time until I got home.

When I arrived home, I was covered in a tremendous sense of loss.

I remember rinsing my underwear so my mother wouldn't notice, sandwiching it between clothes, and putting it in the washing machine.

When my mother asked, 'How was it?', tears almost welled up, so I looked down and said, 'W-well,' and went outside.

I cried for a while.

I don't think I've ever cried that much in my life.

This is the only experience of incontinence in my life.

After that, although I avoided being cut off, I failed to get into my target national university and ended up at the only private university I was accepted to.

There is a follow-up story to this experience.

It happened seven years ago, when my eldest son was taking his junior high school entrance exams.

I think he was extremely nervous as he was only applying to the one school he had dreamed of.

And by some twist of fate, he stumbled on the math section during the actual exam and made a huge miscalculation.

On the day the results were announced, my wife and I were praying that he would somehow pass because of his strong desire to attend that school.

Before he came home from school, the online notification arrived, and the two of us opened the computer with trepidation.

His examinee number was not there.

My wife wept silently, and as I was comforting her, tears also welled up in my eyes.

My eldest son had asked us not to tell him the results because he wanted to see them himself.

My wife reapplied her makeup to hide her tear-swollen face and tried to fix her expression.

He came home.

He sat straight down in front of the computer and opened the notification of results.

He stared intently at the screen, trying to find his number, and muttered in a low voice, "I knew it, I didn't make it."

Seeing the expression on my eldest son's face as he desperately tried to accept reality, my heart tightened.

Shortly after that, my second son, who had just returned from school, burst in full of brightness, asking, "How did it go!?"

Seeing my wife shake her head, he looked down with an expression as if he were about to cry.

After a moment of silence, I began to tell the story of how I wet my pants during my university entrance exam.

At first, my eldest son looked at me with a stiff expression.

But I spoke as cheerfully as I could.

Finally, when I said, "I never thought I'd end up taking the exam without underwear either!", my eldest son laughed for the first time, as if he had burst out.

After that, I told him, "It was a university I really wanted to go to, but if I had gone there, I wouldn't have met your mom. And you guys wouldn't have been born either."

When I told him, "So, thinking about it now, I'm really glad I wet my pants. I know you must be feeling incredibly frustrated and hurt right now, [Son's Name], but you never know what in life will become an asset to you. Your hard work over this past year will definitely pay off. You really worked hard!"

"Yeah," he nodded with tears in his eyes.

At that moment, my second son, who was in the third grade of elementary school, muttered, "Why wouldn't we have been born if Dad hadn't met Mom? We're born from Mom's tummy, so it doesn't matter, right?"

My eldest son grinned.

I brushed it off by saying, "We'll talk about that another time."

My wife also laughed while crying.

I still remember the scene that night where we all ate the yakiniku my wife had prepared in near silence.

I don't really know why I wanted to talk about this now.

It's just that by confessing it, I feel like the emotions I usually suppress are released and put to rest.

Beyond the embarrassment, I felt refreshed and relieved.

For a long time, having an accident during the entrance exam was a trauma, but since it became a topic that instantly made my eldest son laugh, I truly think it was for the best now.

Five years have passed since then, and two years ago, another year of trials arrived.

Moreover, it was a double exam year for my eldest son, who was taking university entrance exams, and my second son, who was taking high school entrance exams, all while facing the COVID-19 pandemic.

My eldest son passed his first-choice school, but my second son did not.

My second son was suffering from irritable bowel syndrome.

There were days when his stomach hurt so much he couldn't leave the bathroom for five hours.

He was unable to take the actual exam twice.

Perhaps his sensitivity is inherited from his parents.

I'm sorry you take after your dad.

I muttered that in my heart many times.

But he didn't complain.

He didn't give up until the very end.

That year, my wife cried a lot.

But exams end eventually.

Before long, spring arrived.

We overcame it together as a family.

My second son went to the high school he passed through a make-up exam for sick leave.

He has since left that high school and is now attending an online-focused high school. He seems happy now, too.

Next year is my second son's university entrance exam.

But no matter what happens, life is full of ups and downs.

Whether he succeeds or fails in the exam, we never know how it will affect his life.

There is only one thing I have decided for our family's final entrance exam.

Just to take in every emotion overflowing from my son

Accepting it all completely.

That is all I am thinking about.

To all the students taking exams,

To the parents supporting them,

I know there are cold and difficult days.

Even nights so hard you want to cry.

But as long as there is love wrapping you in your family,

Spring will surely come for everyone.

I believe that.

The cold days will continue, so please keep your body and heart warm.

Fighting!