The Story of How I Stopped Trying to Be the Perfect Helper

Hello everyone! I'm Zeke, a personal assistant for independent living! Thank you all for reading my posts as always. ☺️

When I first started working in the field of severe disability care, I always felt like I had to be the "perfect helper." I wanted to be flawless—never making a single mistake in procedures, always anticipating needs, and being the kind of person the user would praise as "amazing." The more I thought that way, the more an invisible wall actually formed between me and the user.

As I gained more experience as a self-directed personal assistant, strangely enough, I drifted further and further away from the image of the "perfect caregiver" I once held. But at the same time, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I became able to face the user with a more balanced, open mindset.

Today, I want to talk about the comfortable atmosphere I discovered in the workplace once I let go of that need for "perfection."

💡 When I stopped chasing the "correct way to move"

When I first started working as a self-directed personal assistant, I was desperate to perform the "correct movements." I believed that following procedures without a single mistake and anticipating every move were the requirements of a good helper. But when I was chasing those "correct answers," my eyes weren't on the user's expressions; they were only on my own hands and the clock.

Even if the user was trying to say something, I would jump to conclusions and act, thinking, "Next is this, right?" I thought I was being helpful, but in reality, I might have been so obsessed with playing the role of a "capable helper" that I wasn't seeing the "person" right in front of me.

As I gained more experience in the field, I stopped obsessing over the "correct care" that society talks about. Instead, I focused on the sensation the user feels in that moment—the feeling of "this is good." Together, we work to bring that closer to the "correct answer." Through repeating that process, I feel like my own intuition has gradually been cultivated.

💡 The comfort of being the one who is "taught"

After working as a self-directed personal assistant for a long time, the feeling that "I am doing this for them" eventually disappeared. In fact, it became more common for the user to teach me things, like "Zeke, I'd like you to do it more like this here" or "That's not the right timing."

If it were the old me, I might have panicked every time I was corrected, thinking, "Oh, I failed" or "I have to be more perfect." But now, I feel that those instructions are actually important dialogues that connect the user and me.

I take the user's sense of "how I want to be" and incorporate it into my own actions. That process is by no means one-sided care. Being guided by the user and creating the atmosphere of the space together—being in that position of the one who is "taught" was actually the secret to building the most balanced, stress-free relationship for both of us.

💡 When I stopped trying to force-fill the "silence"

I used to mistakenly believe that the silence that occurs between care tasks was something I had to fill at all costs. I felt I had to say something clever, or always be moving and doing something useful... I would spin my wheels alone, desperate to liven up the space. But I'm sure that my tension was conveyed to the user, making them feel unnecessarily self-conscious.

Recently, I've become able to accept the quiet time that comes after a care task is finished. It's okay if we are doing different things, or just sitting in the same space doing nothing. I allow myself to be natural without trying to force-fill the silence with words.

I've taken off the armor of being a "perfect helper" and am just sitting there as a human being. By being able to have that time where I don't "try too hard" in a good way, I feel like the distance between me and the user has shrunk significantly.

💡 The reason why I, who am not "perfect," am here

While continuing to work as a self-directed personal assistant, I realized that there is no such thing as a "perfect answer" anywhere. In fact, it's precisely because I have gaps—because I'm a bit clumsy or because the user teaches me things—that moments of true connection are born.

By removing the frame of "I have to do this because I'm a helper" and gently blending into the user's life as a human being, I think that kind of flat relationship is the greatest thrill of working in severe disability care.

I want to continue building up "correct answers" together while being guided by the users. I feel like the current me, with the weight off my shoulders, is doing a much better job.

If you have any questions about the self-directed system or how it works, like "I'm curious about this" or "What's it actually like?", please let me know in the comments section. It will be based on what I've seen and my own experiences, but I'd be happy if I could be of any help. I look forward to exchanging information with you all! 😊