[Trauma is etched into the body] A story of facing fear while sobbing.

The eternal theme of how to use the body.
Through yoga and psychological therapy based on bodily sensations, I have been exploring how to heal bodily sensations, the relationship between body and mind, and the wounds of the soul (trauma) etched into the body.

Last year, my physical and mental balance became very poor, so I took time off to establish the basics of daily life, such as sleep and meals.
In addition to support from an online therapist, I unexpectedly met a trainer who was a former professional American football player and started 'personal training,' which I have continued almost every week since.

In the field of performance for special skills like playing musical instruments, I have conducted research and training on 'challenging my own spirit and body,' but in this personal training, I experienced for the first time in my life what it means to reach the 'limit of life-sustaining functions where the body feels its life is in danger.'

The sensation of oxygen not reaching the body.
The experience of large muscle groups becoming completely exhausted and collapsing to the ground upon landing.
I have shouted the phrase 'I can't do this anymore' from the bottom of my heart with blood-curdling effort many times in my life, but I was moved even while gasping for air, realizing, 'So this is what a real
I can't do this anymore' feels like!!!!'Because I am a body sensation enthusiast. (lol)

What is very interesting is that as I am pushed to the limit in training, along with the physical hardship, an unfathomable 'fear' oozes out from deep within my body, and tears that are emotionally uncontrollable and inexplicable by reason overflow.

By processing all the pain and anger related to trauma within myself until now, I have become resilient, or rather, I am very good at accepting 'scary and unkind things' directed at me into a bottomless swamp of a mental world and continuing to live and work as is.
But I had never experienced becoming physically aggressive for the sake of self-defense.

I perceive that by experiencing movements and ways of using energy to 'confront threats' for the first time through physical training, something in my inner world was moved all at once.
I am good at 'releasing life and emotional energy through artistic acts.'
But the act of 'directing life energy outward through large muscles while gritting my teeth' was a first.
Confronting,
pushing back so as not to be crushed.
In a sense, a 'combat mode' physical state.
The way of breathing is also completely different from yoga or dance.

I taste tremendous fear through the actions of confronting and fighting, and I complete the sets while being a mess of tears.
To me in that state, the trainer says,
'Give it everything you've got!'

Even though there is nothing threatening my life or spirit,
the moment my body screams in fear.
It was a moment of conviction that fear is etched into the body, and also a moment of understanding that it is necessary to confront, unravel, and heal it.

While talking with my therapist, I have spent months passing through the storms of emotion experienced in such training.

I would like to deepen this story a little more in the future.

Work has become busy, so this will be a shorter article.
I will treat this as practice for expressing meaningful things in a small number of characters and work on it with care.

Thank you for reading.